On Being Real

If you have been following me at all up here, you know I’m taking this three-month course called Abundance Group, where we aim at developing our talents and gifts into abundance. It’s amazing. And it’s challenging to see that our acquired sense of self is often the jailer for all that we could be. That’s what I want to talk about today.

What I’ve come to notice is that I didn’t have any problems stating who I was. This is the question I’ve been dealing with fort he past decade:“Who am I, really?” And I’ve come to definitions and I’ve come to conclusions and I’ve come to internalize a set of beliefs about me that I hold dear to my heart and that make me feel right. For example, ever since I came to know the hippie movement from the late 1960’s in my early teens, I just knew: “Mom, I’m a hippie.” What got me about the hippies was their FREEDOM, but what made me stay was the prison that kept my mind believing: “It’s alright if I’m penniless, at least I’m free.” Excuse me, mind, but having a child and being penniless is no fun. Even the freedom, which was the reason that I signed up in the first place, turns to anxiety and rage when my son needs winter boots and I am in no way capable of buying a pair. I wasn’t, but luckily I always had family and friends who were. 

And then I started asking myself whether this was really who I was supposed to be? “Honestly, I’m here to be broke?”, I asked myself and paused.

The voice of the wise answered for me: “Well, if you’re buying this, I’m certainly not.” It was time to acquire a new sense of self. This sense of self made me describe myself as I did a few days ago.

I’m a woman and a mother who is aiming at balance of body, mind and soul. I am a researcher of life whose job is to find pleasure in every little step on the way. I am here to tell the truth about the way and I am here to be REAL.

Seeing the world that is fake and the people who fake in order to please or reach some sort of standards,  lights the fire on my way, because I’m here to question: “Whose standards?”. If you know the answer to this, right you are; if not, go deep inside and look for them for the answers always await until you come inside. We are our own standards and once we’ve caught a glimpse of ourselves, of our true light in being … that light is loyal enough to never let us go. Whatever we sense, or see, or feel, or hear, or touch inside – it’s all good. And if your mind can’t categorize that as good yet, know that that exact thing is a call for love; your love.

We are here to do pure magic, get it?

We are pure magic! From head to toe.

But in order to let the magic shine through, we must love and accept ourselves first. We have to come to terms with all of our pieces because none are better then others. None! Sure, we have come to accept the light and the dark, the up and the down, the left and the right, and yes, even the right and the wrong. But we have only come to know these because we live in a dualistic reality, where it’s easier to understand our different pieces as contrasts. There is no harm in that – as long as we also keep in mind that all of these contrasts can only apply to our particular viewpoints (that are unavoidably the products of our upbringing, education and experiences).

Try not to label your contrasts as right or wrong. If you do that, you will show the world only the pieces in you that you think are right and hide the rest. And that’s fake. And not only is it not REAL, but it will make the unloved, unappreciated pieces of you either sink in and hold a grudge – or (if you’re anything like me) rebel.

All of our pieces are right, because they are ours and because they are real and thus make us REAL. And if they’re showing you a part of yourself that you don’t like or try to ignore or deprive of love or starve to death … they are here because of that alone: to point the finger.

Today bathe the parts that you don’t accept in yourself with love. And let them be.

They make you REAL.

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Navdih

Med pobiranjem grozdja, katerega esenca bo čez tri leta povezovala iskrivi francoski šampanjec, sem dva meseca tega začutila, kako hvaležna sem, da lahko hodim po svoji poti. Seveda sem čutila mnogo vsega: od bolečih kolen in bicepsov in hrbta do občasne nejevolje in vrtoglavega navdušenja, ko sva v objemu Grape Team-a s Tjašo (večglasno) prepevali, ali z Dariem govorila po dolgem in počez o Indiji, ali z Diegom obdelovala terapevtsko naravo marijuane. Čutila sem vse to, predvsem pa sem čutila, da moje mesto ni med trtami Champagne brez mojega štiriletnika. Izkušnja, seveda. Krasna. Nepopisna. Enkratna … dobesedno … enkratna; enkrat je bilo dovolj. Fizično delo mi je izsrkalo vso kreativno energijo. Obožujem skakljanje naokrog in obožujem Francijo z njenim croissant au beurre konkretno, ampak bolj kot sem razmišljala, bolj sem videla, da ko pridem domov, bom pričela stvari zastavljati drugače. Sanjalo se mi ni, kako. Nisem se obremenjevala s tem. Vedela sem samo, da me čaka … novo poglavje.

Smešno in dragoceno, kako mi na potovanjih vedno uspe stvari pogledati z drugega zornega kota. Dve leti tega, ko sva s Svarunom šla v Apenine, sem prišla domov polna navdiha in ognja in začela ustvarjati energijske ploščice in granole v okviru al-Iksirja. Lani sem s Kanarskih prišla polna vtisov in se lotila še pisati … ker je pač beseda glas in glas moje darilo svetu. In sedaj sem se s Francije vrnila popolnoma trezna in fokusirana in z jasno vizijo, kam naprej. Kam?

Tja, kamor sem si želela od časov, ko je bil Svarun še mali fižolček v mojem trebuhu.

Odkrivat ta Planet, v njem spet in spet Navdih sprejet in ga delit naprej v Svet.

In vedela sem: »Če hočem v svet, če hočem, da se moj sin uči od sveta in njegovih ljudi, da se drugačnosti ne boji, in da lahko pogleda vsakogar v oči – potlej se bo potrebno organizirat malo drugače; se bo potrebno spoprijateljit s prvo čakro denarja in moči, ki sem se ju tako izogibala. Čas je. Pripravljena sem bolj, kot sem si kdaj mislila.«

In sem se v sklopu Abundance Group, trimesečnega online izobraževanja, kjer svoje talente razvijamo do stanja Izobilja, v raziskovanje svojih želja. Oddelali smo šele en teden, pa se mi je vidno polje razširilo že za 200%. Vsaj. In najboljši del? Končno lahko upravičeno sanjam. J

Vedno so mi govorili, da sem sanjava. Res. Bila sem v oblakih in neprisotna večino časa. Tedaj sem sanjala … v zraku. In ko je prišel čas za akcijo, sem se umaknila, ker v sebi nisem bila dovolj, da bi lahko nosila vse. Sedaj je drugače; sedaj sem drugačna. Sanjam, ker vem, da se pri sanjah vse začne. Ne sanjam več v zraku, da bi pobegnila od zemeljskih stvari. Na zemlji sanjam in ogenj kreacije me podpira.

Kako to izgleda v praksi, se morda sprašujete med mojim zračnim navajanjem štirih podpornih elementov?

V petek smo, na primer, morali zapisati številko svojega željenega letnega prihodka. To se pravi: morali smo se dati v najboljši, najvišji občutek radosti, ko bo naša kreacija že tukaj, otipljiva, in zaslišati, koliko bi tedaj želeli s to kreacijo zaslužiti letno.

Najprej sem bila skromna. Najprej sem vzela mojo znano mentaliteto pomanjkanja za izhodišče. Potem pa me je zamikalo ali drugače povedano – duša si je zaželela izkušnje … vsaj razmišljanja o tem, da bi bila številka lahko višja in kaj bi to pomenilo. Zame in za svet. Dala sem si duška in razmišljala. In kmalu seveda prišla do vprašanja: »Ampak – kaj bom jaz s toliko denarja? Saj ga ne rabim.«

In potem, v odgovor, mi je prišlo zavedanje, da ni ključ v tem, kaj bo zame … ampak za svet. In prsni koš se je začel širiti ob sami pomisli, koliko ljudem bi lahko nanudila opore, ki sem jo jaz dobila – in tiste, ki sem jo pogrešala; koliko ženskam bi lahko dala priložnost, ki sem jo jaz dobila – ali pa sem si je želela; koliko samohranilkam bi lahko omogočila sočutno varstvo, ki sem ga jaz za Svaruna dobila – ali pa samo rabila; in nenazadnje, koliko projektov zagretih ljudi z iskricami v očeh in svetlobo v srcu, bi lahko podprla … in s tem pomagala delati ta svet lepši. Za nas. Za naše otroke. Za njih otroke.

Ker, roko na srce, v tem je ključ. V tem je definicija uspeha, merilo radosti in NAVDIH, ki hrani dušo. V tem, koliko lahko DANES prispevam k lepšemu, svetlejšemu, nežnejšemu, lahkotnejšemu svetu … tiči bistvo mojega obstoja. Saj veste, ker smo Vsi Eno. In to sedaj še bolj čutim, kot kadarkoli prej.

Hvala Sari za čudovito izobraževanje, ki mi premika meje znanega in odpira neznana obzorja že po enem tednu.

Hvala Vesolju, ker mi je tako lepo tole izobraževanje pripeljalo v objem.

Hvala Vam, ker skupaj soustvarjamo Svet, v katerem si želimo živeti.

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Gotta Love Him, the Scorpio

Do you feel the Scorpio’s rule this year? It seems highly unlikely but this year, I felt immediately when the happy-go-lucky Libra set off and king of the shadow, Scorpio, took over. I know that because I started to feel more tension running through my veins than normally. That, and more visits to my shadows than usual.

My shadow emotion has got to be anger. It’s the first feeling I would get when something doesn’t go according to the plan. I’m not a particularly fearful human being, and I don’t get gloomy all that often – but I will get angry in no time. Anger is the one that’s using up the fire of my bright spirit – when I’m not tuned in. Into myself. Into my body and mind. When my head is calculating the earnings, the to-do list, the people I have to call, the articles I have to write … instead of noticing what’s here and now.

And what’s been here and now is my beautiful son, figuring out this world. This past week he didn’t go to kindergarten so we spent all of our days together all the time. For the first couple of days I didn’t even do my yoga or meditation, but when I saw where this has brought me (and consequently us) I quickly called a halt to the absence of inner-goddess-time. I need this time as I do my oxygen to stay alive – and I took that time as I do my oxygen … even if he regularly uses my downward dog for a bridge to climb under, and even if I use a non-harming cartoon with no commercials to relax into a meditation. Well, it’s called life!

So yeah, it’s been wackadoodle around here. But I chose it because I wanted to see how far along am I in managing my roles as a woman, mother, mompreneur, single parent and constant teacher and student thingy – at the same time. What?! I’m getting better, though. My technique?  Try to remember as often as I can that:

  1. Life is not as serious as I tend to think of it. So laugh a little. Or a lot. Actually … don’t ever stop.
  2. All is good because I’m exactly where I need to be … I just need to come out of my head and notice where I’m being.

So even though I have had to try much harder to accept life’s situations with laughter, rather then with anger, I’m still here, bolder and brighter. And you know what?

There is nowhere else I’d rather be because

there is no skin that would better fit me.

I walking the feminine journey a step at a time

never forgetting that whatever is here to chew –

it’s fine, because it’s mine.

I’m focused on not forgetting that I’m here to shine,

and to turn all of the worldly things into my shrine.

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You’re Already There

Today was a good reminder that I don’t have to get anywhere – because I’m already there. I used to live in a very conditional state of mind where I would have to be thinner in order to go out in high school, wiser in order to start exposing my truth and my beliefs, older in order to feel better in my own skin or even calmer in order to call my attempts at trance – meditation. Who said that?

Isn’t it time to expose my truth when I feel that aching feeling in my chest and I know the words are going to rip me open if I don’t speak or write or sing them out immediately? Isn’t meditation supposed to be about accepting the state I’m in, no matter what that might be?

Yesterday me and Svarun went for a lovely autumn walk with my best friend and her baby boy. After a while of walking, Svarun starts asking when we are going get “there”. My friend answers: “Don’t worry, we’re already there.”

He looks at me, puzzled, and I confirm. Sure, we’re already there.

We’re right in this moment where we need to have this exact experience we’re having. And yes, we might feel tense, we might be overflowed with chores and calls, and we might need a lot of energy to squeeze that smile out instead of a hiss, but we’re here for a reason. The reason is to remember what keeps us going at all times and always act with respect upon it.

In that split second that you have, choose respect. Embrace your tension, your sadness, your anger, your fear, your disappointment, your impatience … but choose respect.

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Flexibility

A wanderlusty weekend is past us.

I have arranged to crash one of my friends’ couch in Ljubljana on because I wanted to go to Posočje the next day to hang out with our beloved river Soča again after awhile. She cancelled. Surprisingly, I wasn’t angry or disappointed as I would normally be. I let it go and said to myself that I always managed to fix it, so I will fix it this time, too. Then another friend cancelled because she got her period. I wasn’t angry or disappointed.

I said: »Alrighty, we’ll just go home and that’s that. No biggy.« But then Svarun’s grandmother invited us over and we gladly accepted.

Sure, why not, I said, »I’ll even get to work a little at night if the two of them hang out, which is perfect because I really wanted to finish describing the workshop I’m giving next month. Of course I didn’t manage to do it, but I still went to bed calm and happy – and not frustrated because I hadn’t done what I wanted.

The clock changed that day and so I woke up at half past five, because I’m used to waking up before seven during the week, to get Svarun ready for daycare.

»Wouldn’t it be amazing if Svarun slept some more and I could meditate and finish what I wanted to yesterday. No, wait, wouldn’t it be amazing if I could go on a downing walk around Ljubljana? Ah, that would be a gem.« I thought to myself while peeing, but when I got back to bed, Svarun had already woke up. Okay, change of plans.

»We either go back to bed or we go together for a walk. Playing is out of the question because I don’t want the kid downstairs, Svarun’s grandmother’s little roommate, to wake up because of us.« We tried with the sleeping thing, but got hungry and shared a persimmom instead. I started liking the idea of us going for a walk together so I mentioned it to Svarun. He didn’t think it was such a good idea, which at first I didn’t really like … but then decided to accept the gift of a solo walk. My legs took me to the bridge under which I used to sing some five years ago because the echo is just amazing. I went there to receive a gift.

As I was approaching it, I trembled. It’s been a long time! But as I stood up and walked there to greed the holy space … I noticed something very profound. I noticed the change in me. Once I used to go there to sing songs for somebody who couldn’t hear me; I used to go there to long. This time, I couldn’t feel any longing within, but I could feel a lot of creative fire. How I wished back then to be whole, to be at peace with myself and the world, to be a woman. How good it feels to realize I have become just that. There is nowhere else I’d rather be than in this life, bringing dream seeds to life. It’s magic.

It’s truly inspiring to take a look at the path we had already walked. When was the last time you did that?

Ole to you.

Ole to us.

And ole to everyone who dares to go back and receive the gift of realization.

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Sadness

Two days ago I woke up feeling sad. I had had a very busy menstrual week that led to an exhausting weekend, and Monday when I didn’t take care of my spiritual needs but rather cleaned the after-party house. I got up, snuggled with Svarun, and went to the bathroom, where I found Her in the mirror.

»What are you doing here?« I asked Her. She didn’t say anything but I knew that she’s here for a reason. Sadness never came without one.

I tried to waltz her out: »Listen, I think you got it wrong. I’m having a great time, you see. And for the first time in history, I can feel that my life is going in the right direction. I can smell it and sense it and nearly touch it. And I can feel it’s good. It’s real good. So you can just leave because I’m doing alright. Besides,  I don’t have time to lay around and cry all day. I mean, why should I if I know everything is fine and I’m just a little tired, that’s all?«

»It’s not me who got it wrong. You did,« said She.

This made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to hang out with Sadness, I had huge plans for myself that day. So I started again, a little less patient, a little less calm: »Please leave, I’m busy.«

Svarun crawled into the bathroom to pee. We were late, really late, so I told him to hurry up and dress himself: »Nona will be here any minute now and it’s not fair to leave her waiting.«

My mum picks Svarun up every morning and takes him to his daycare because she works a few hundred meters away.

»I won’t be bothering you. I’ll just sit down and wait until you’re not busy anymore, ok?« she said, swinging herself on my red sofa and making herself very comfortable.

My mom came, and because we weren’t ready, I told her – barely sucking it up – that I will take Svarun to kindergarten.

»Look, I’m not going to be not busy anytime soon, so maybe we can agree to meet some other time. I have to take Svarun to kindergarten now and then I have a bunch of things to do because I’m going to be late anyway, this ride is going to take me at least an hour and …«

»I’ll go with you,« she reasoned and sneaked into the car.

I cried. And cried. And cried. And as I escorted Svarun to his daycare, I cried some more.

I cried for the past few years, when I related more with DOING than with BEING. I cried for that. I cried for all of us who got caught up in this patriarchal wound. When did doing become more important than being? When did our achievements become more important than how loving we are towards each other?

The more I cried, the better I felt. Me and Sadness were both very quiet, and yet we knew exactly what the other meant.

She was saying: »You’ve been ignoring me.«

I was saying, »I don’t want to be Sad.«

She was saying: »You’re making me feel like I’m bad or something.«

I was saying: »Well, you make me feel bad.«

She was saying: »That’s yours to deal with, not mine.«

I was saying »What do you mean? I’m not supposed to feel sad if I’m conscious of my path.«

She said: »Whoever told you that, hasn’t got it all figured out.«

I stopped my thoughts. I stopped crying. She was right. Whoever told us Sadness was bad? Whoever told us to stop being sad, because we should have thought before about it, when our favourite toy broke? Whoever told us that we’re not supposed to think about sad things because then sad things will happen?

Well, only Everybody.

And now it’s enough.

Feel your Sadness, she’s here to guide you somewhere.

Accept your Sadness, because she’s a part of your equation.

Rethink your relationship to your Sadness, because she’s not the bad that you need to steer clear of. She part of the story, your story. And it’s a real story, where positive and the negative live together in harmony. She is not here to lure you down into depression; she’s here to remind you of all the reasons that you have to feel good. She’s here with you all the time, to help you be the best you you can be at this point in time. She is you and you are her.  

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I am Awake

I’m awake on the eve of 19th of October, just as I was awake exactly four years ago. Back then, I had just been awakened by labor contractions, fortelling my son was about to come earthside. I went to bed really late because I went on a late night walk to watch the starts, selected the music that would sway our forcoming birth, took a long hot bath and a cup of cocoa afterwards. I went to bed peaceful. After about half an hour of so-called sleep, I woke up in the midst of what I would only later realize was a full blown contraction. In a haze I recalled waking up with contractions many times that night, so I decided it was no use to pursue lying in bed. I sat on the ball and started circling with my hips, being as present as I could, every time I would sense the familiar rushes at the bottom of my henna-tattoo-ed belly.

I could swear I felt the exact same contraction in my womb just as I thought about those rushes four years ago. Sure, it’s the first day of my period, but now again I have found myself to be birthing something into this world yet again; I’m baking a cake for my son’s kindergarten birthday celebration. It’s the second one I’m making because the first one turned out watery enough to be called – a pudding.

Now, I really don’t like late nights. They get me every time, honestly. It was late when I started, but when I realized the pudding thingy was not going to cut it, I almost felt the need to cry. Wait, I wholly truly did. And the need to feel sorry for myself kept creeping in: »Oh, man. It’s the first day of my period, the time when I should be resting, and I’m not even going to get a good night’s sleep and tomorrow I’m going to be out and about the whole day and why do I always do this to myself on my period, it’s always the same …«

But then I realized what I was doing. I stood up. I thought about my son. I thought about how much I wanted him to have a surprise cake for his birthday. So I looked up, and prayed. I prayed to the goddess to give me the strenght to pull this off. And I sat down in my car, started it and drove to my parent’s house a few miles away to pick up the eggs that I need to make the cake (try one was a vegan experiment that failed).

I came back, bursting with energy and commitment. And I noticed it. And I thanked it. And I meant it. And I trusted her when she said I had made the right decision. And I trust her when she says that this is only the start of the best day ever.

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Discipline

I have long decided to invite more discipline into my life. Correction: I have long decided to invite more discipline into my working life. Being a mother, that means those five to six hours in the morning and early afternoon while Svarun is in kindergarten. Being a mompreneur (a mother who is an entrepreneur), that has meant: all day every day.

It’s utopian to think that I’m going to be able to do all that I want/ should/ must/ desire in a mere few hours, especially because … well, I’m a woman. I don’t do things linear; I do a little bit of this here, and a little bit of that there, and then return to this, and then continue that bit over there. Just as I’m typing this, the granola is in the oven and washed clothes can’t wait to hang out in the balcony in this hot, orange, autumn sun. But being a woman, I also posses a lot of creativity that just wants to see the light of the day. However, being a woman alone does not make me highly chaotic; what makes me such is thinking that discipline would bore me to tears.

I’m willing to shift this now.

I’m willing to see things differently.

If we take a look at the word discipline, it shares the root with the word disciple. I’m not going to go into some religious lagacy, but just consider the meaning of the word disciple or bhakta, which is how the same person is called in Hare Krishna tradition. A disciple is someone who has surrendered his will to the coach.

For me, the coach is myself … or rather the part of myself I have yet not named, but it’s a she. She is the divine feminine that is waking up inside of me. She is my primal nature; she is Nature itself. Her gift is to find wisdom within her cycles; her gift is to descend and ascend, and give to the world all the love and beauty and softness she has gathered along the way. And what she needs in order to do all of that is … inspiration.

My idea of discipline? Surrendering to the inner guidance and feed it well with a lot of inspiration.

Again, my idea of discipline? Every day I take time for things that inspire me; I take time form y yoga and meditation, I take time form my barefoot walk, I take time to spend in Nature, and as of today … I take time for my kitchen playtime. That means I take time for the new app I’ve created, called Igralnica Kuhalnica in Slovene (but coming in English as well) and for sheer plain experimenting in the kitchen. When I’m throwing things together I fill like a kid again, wide eyed, barely managing to wait what’s going to … become.

That way, I’m becoming anew every second of every day. And that, my friends, is a gift.

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I am RICH

The past ten days were quite intense. I know, I am fully aware of the fact that I often say this. It’s because I often feel this, too. And I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the decision that I made many a year ago: I will never be bored in this life. And although I still agree with this, I reject the notion that if’m not bored, I have to feel the exact opposite of »bored«. I reject the notion that we live in a boring, linear, either-or reality, because the world that I want to experience is jucier, richer, vaster, deeper, more abundant than that.

I have felt the need to dig deeper for as long as I can remember. The »why’s« seemed to have no end. And although I looked for answers in many places, I was more often than not – dissasitsfied. I didn’t conceptually know the answers to my questions, but the answers I was getting didn’t seem right; they didn’t click. They were what was know nor accepted within this linear society, but they weren’t the answers to my questions. In this society we are taught to see things white or black, good or bad, light or dark, up or down, and we are taught to favour only one: the white, the good, the light, the up. We are taught, many would argue, right, while wrong would mean … seeing things for what they really are?

Shakespeare said: »Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so.«

It is time to learn ourselves subjectivity. Things are what they are, it’s just that. Yes, they stir emotions inside of us. Yes, we are here to feel all of the feels … but we are not here to dwell in them. We are here to use them as guidelines. If something stirs a feeling within us, let it come, for it’s here for us to gain from it.

No, I will never be bored in this live, I’m a single mother after all. What I will be is RICH with all of the abundant feelings that a powerful, creative, passionate woman’s life can be.

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Taking Responsibility

The past week has been a roller-coaster.

Do you know the feeling when you know you’re doing the right thing, but everything you keep bumping into are obstacles upon obstacles upon obstacles? I sure do. I sure know how to feel sorry for myself. My mantra used to be: »I knew something was gonna go wrong.« I really liked that mantra. For a long time, it served me, because it saved me from responsibility. I hated responsibility and I never learned how to take responsibility … for my life. What does that even mean?

I liked my mantra, although the statement wasn’t actually true. I didn’t literally know what was going to happen, but I did always happily consider everything that could go wrong before everything that could go right. I was in the state of mind that Sara, my dear teacher, calls »God’s mercy«: when you think about the obstacle and you realize you really don’t want it to happen, but you feel like there’s nothing you can do to prevent it. You feel like somebody else is navigating your boat, while you sit silently under the deck; you’re small, yet you’re safe. And if the going gets rough, it’s not your fault.

I fell into that state a few times this week. I just stopped something and launched something new. I oh-so-know that what I started is the right thing. I can feel it in my body; I feel twinkles of excitement whenever I think about this project, and rushes of excitement when new ideas unfold and upgrade and reveal. It’s so right that it scares me.

So I go on … showing up late, not handling things, manifesting Svarun’s one-night-stand diseases, spilling chamomile tea all over the car, forgetting my laptop, forgetting the essentials, buying the wrong camera that the program doesn’t accept. There were approximately a million things why I could give up. But strangely my insistence seems to override my resistance. There have been a million instances when I could simply say: »The Universe is testing my persistence.« But I know that’s not the case. And another thing I know … I am responsible for my life. I take full responsibility for my life by always being in tune with what I feel. And I know that the obstacles I created are just my inability to accept … abundance. Abundance does not have one face alone. All that happened and nearly made me cry but in the end made me crack up open, is colorful and varied and very abundant. Oh, yeah.

jesen2