Gotta Love Him, the Scorpio

Do you feel the Scorpio’s rule this year? It seems highly unlikely but this year, I felt immediately when the happy-go-lucky Libra set off and king of the shadow, Scorpio, took over. I know that because I started to feel more tension running through my veins than normally. That, and more visits to my shadows than usual.

My shadow emotion has got to be anger. It’s the first feeling I would get when something doesn’t go according to the plan. I’m not a particularly fearful human being, and I don’t get gloomy all that often – but I will get angry in no time. Anger is the one that’s using up the fire of my bright spirit – when I’m not tuned in. Into myself. Into my body and mind. When my head is calculating the earnings, the to-do list, the people I have to call, the articles I have to write … instead of noticing what’s here and now.

And what’s been here and now is my beautiful son, figuring out this world. This past week he didn’t go to kindergarten so we spent all of our days together all the time. For the first couple of days I didn’t even do my yoga or meditation, but when I saw where this has brought me (and consequently us) I quickly called a halt to the absence of inner-goddess-time. I need this time as I do my oxygen to stay alive – and I took that time as I do my oxygen … even if he regularly uses my downward dog for a bridge to climb under, and even if I use a non-harming cartoon with no commercials to relax into a meditation. Well, it’s called life!

So yeah, it’s been wackadoodle around here. But I chose it because I wanted to see how far along am I in managing my roles as a woman, mother, mompreneur, single parent and constant teacher and student thingy – at the same time. What?! I’m getting better, though. My technique?  Try to remember as often as I can that:

  1. Life is not as serious as I tend to think of it. So laugh a little. Or a lot. Actually … don’t ever stop.
  2. All is good because I’m exactly where I need to be … I just need to come out of my head and notice where I’m being.

So even though I have had to try much harder to accept life’s situations with laughter, rather then with anger, I’m still here, bolder and brighter. And you know what?

There is nowhere else I’d rather be because

there is no skin that would better fit me.

I walking the feminine journey a step at a time

never forgetting that whatever is here to chew –

it’s fine, because it’s mine.

I’m focused on not forgetting that I’m here to shine,

and to turn all of the worldly things into my shrine.

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A Ten Second Ritual

I remember mentioning up here already that I have acquired a new habit of doing my morning sādhanā outside in the meadows of our Karst prairie. It’s the best decision I’ve taken in a while because it grounds me like nothing else, connects me to everything else and our beloved, loyal Bora blows all the negativity away. There were times when deer and rabbits were jumping not far away from me, and the top of the cliff with the view of the valley underneath, wrapped up by the immenseness of the Adriatic Sea is sure to reinforce the feeling of freedom within.

I started doing my Peace work outside when Svarun was away on holiday with my parents, but noticing how much better I felt if I started the day out in nature, I decided to keep the habit even when Svarun was back. So the weekends, when he doesn’t go to preschool, mean we’re out and about soon upon waking up, taking the breakfast that was prepared the night before, alongside.

But today was one of the days that we went out really late. My dearest spiritual running buddy came over first thing in the morning for the last chat, hug and a cultural culinary experience (as she put it) while visiting her homeland, so we didn’t manage to get outdoorsy until  almost noon (good thing the Bora was so strong today, so we didn’t feel the heat as much). I did my yoga, whereby Svarun used my Downward-Facing Dog as a bridge to go under, but I didn’t get to meditate; not because Svarun likes to use my silence as a profoundly valuable background for his powerful Bella Ciao* chanting, but because it was time for him to go to bed.

When we were leaving, it was very late, so Svarun’s stopping me every few steps didn’t help my keeping up the pace. First he needed to go pee and then he would order me to close my eyes and look away a few times. Although I knew he was doing that to bring me surprise gifts from the nature, I had been feeling a bit stressed out. I mean, I didn’t get to meditate in a few days’ time and all I wanted was some Peace of Mind. But when he told me to close my eyes and look away, a split second happened. Suddenly, I knew that I had a choice! I could either go on fussing around and wondering what time it was or I could take these ten seconds of time to my benefit. Right there and then, I was offered ten seconds of Peace for me. Peace is what I had longed for but my mind was telling me it was aiming at half an hour, as opposed to ten seconds. I chose to shush the mind.

As Svarun walked away, I closed my eyes and noticed my breathing. Immediately I felt Peace. And I felt teased by the sun that was warming up my face that was softening from the crankiness. And I felt my bare feet on the ground and the weight of the bag, the yoga mat and my flip-flops I was carrying. I checked in, and I felt me. I felt happy I accepted the invitation for this ten-second Peace ritual, and even happier when I realized I was given such invitations all the time. Every hour of every day, we are invited to take moments of Peace, just to plug in more often. Do we accept the invitations? Do we even notice them?

When we know that ritual is not something that requires a specific amount of time, but even seconds … we can make no more excuses.

Svarun returned smiling and shouting: “Surpriiiiiiiiiiise!!!”

He was holding a few flowers in his chubby little hand, and a juniper berry in the other. I felt royal and regal, not just because my soul flourished at the sight of the flowers that were picked for me, but because I had taken the moment for my little Ritual, which made life nothing short of Sacred.

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Spirituality and Mamahood

Spirituality and mamahood. Where do they intersect?

Svarun went on a week-long holiday with my parents on Saturday. While I do believe it’s healthy and desirable that we spend 7 days out of 365 apart, I miss him a lot. And I feel guilty, too. Guilt is probably the number one emotion all mothers worldwide experience. We were conditioned with the role of a perfect mother and when we don’t live up to it, we feel guilty, all the while forgetting we’re only human with strengths and weaknesses.

On our Saturday’s sweat lodge that I talked about here, I received a very profound message.

(I say received, because I didn’t hear or read it anywhere, it just came to me formed in words, through my mind, and in into the knowing. I usually get such messages in form of words, because words are my chosen form of expression, but you may get it as a vision, a voice, a set of numbers. Receiving such messages from the Universe is what I call divine inspiration; it’s how the recipe for my synergy bars came to be. It’s as if I was reading the book of Universe that contains all that is, all that was and all that is yet to be.)

Back to the sweat lodge. When we made the fire to heat the rocks and sat down, forming half moon around the circle, the following knowing came to me:

Your task is to turn all of the conditions that your mind sees as weaknesses into your strengths; they are here to serve you.

I knew exactly what we were on about. I’m very devoted to my personal growth and spiritual practice, as I have been on and off for the past six years, but never to such an extent as now. But considering I’m a single mother who worked and raised her son at home for three and a half years until he went to kindergarten this February, I was not given much time to harness my internal peace. For three and a half years it meant either waking up really early and risking the exhaustion of my body, or the exhaustion of my mind that was craving 5 minutes of me-time. But even when I was given the five minutes, I didn’t know how to use them because I was avoiding myself and my darkness. I conceptually knew I should meditate, but never took the time to sit on the meditation pillow. As soon as Svarun finally fell asleep for his midday nap, I ran away from me and went … to the kitchen, to the internet, to clean something unnecessary, to do anything that would prevent me from facing the stillness. I lived in such frenzy that honestly, I didn’t know how I remained sane.

Now that I do all of my peace work, I still sometimes experience the contrast (that I talked about yesterday). Then my ego mind would try to come up with an excuse to set me free of the responsibility: “Well, I’m a mother. If only I had all the time in the world to invest in my spiritual journey, I would be a spiritual leader by now.” Bullshit. Nobody has 24/7 to invest in their spiritual practice. Besides, every situation we find ourselves in it’s because it is here to support us; they are not something we need to fight. Yep, even being a mompreneur and trying to meditate. I had the feeling long before Svarun was born, that I will grow with my first child. But up until now I wasn’t very good at putting that feeling into practice. For example, I would witness his reactions that were pissing me off, and I knew they were actually my reactions. They were the part of me that I didn’t want to acknowledge, so I felt the need to fight them, condition them, uproot them.

I don’t feel bad about it. But I do see now how every single circumstance is a blessing. Our children are showing us the mirror 24/7. It’s just copy-paste, copy-paste, copy-paste. They are a reflection of ourselves and when there is something in them that bothers us, it’s because we have it, too, but trying to ignore it.

And I thought I didn’t have enough time to devote to my spiritual practice?! Time is not something we have. Time is something we make.

Right now, I can either go back to trying to have the time for my meditation, yoga, and reading, or I take the time that I’m given with this precious being as devotion to my spiritual practice, such as it is. Just being with Svarun is a seminar in the very next things in and about me that must be dealt with in order to life a happier and healthier existence. The best part, thought? I know he thinks I’m fine just as I am. Children don’t have a hard time forgiving, us adults do. One time I asked Svarun why he choose me to be his mother, and he said: “Because you seemed young.” I didn’t fully understand his response then, but I know now what he wanted to say. He knew he was going to be my teacher, and he knew his mother was going to grow as she went.

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Getting Warmed Up

This post usually starts downloading in the morning.

When I come out of my meditation and start to run errands, the inspiration comes flowing down, so I’m taking notes with one hand while making breakfast with the other. The inspiration always comes from the Universe, Source, God or whatever you want to name it, but I can hear it via many different routes: in a talk or an interview that I’m listening on YouTube while working, in a book that falls out of the shelf, in a social encounter, or in a memory. I really like it when downloading takes place throughout the whole morning, because then I really feel like I’m nesting in the energies of the daily topic. And when I nest in a specific topic, that’s when more and more pieces of information come and round up the message. You know, like attracts like.

So today I got the inspiration to talk about how to get going: how to get on a path of personal growth, spiritual development and self-discovery.

  1. Loosen up + Laugh

I used to be so serious because I thought that if I wanted to grow as a person, I needed to be stuck up most of the time. The truth is quite the opposite, actually. All of the people who are of inspiration to me laugh constantly. They laugh at life, at themselves, and they laugh at jokes; brace yourselves – yes, even the nasty and black humour ones. I used to feel so bad when I would laugh at nasty jokes. And while I will not say you need to embrace black humour, I will however encourage you to laugh more, whatever the cause. That doesn’t mean you need to be happy-go-lucky all the time; I am after all a woman, and a Pisces at that, so the amplitude of emotions is my primary navigational system. Just … embrace happy and funny into your day to day life. Like, right here, right now.

There is this joke that I’ve felt guilty to tell or laugh at, although I think it’s witty. And before I tell you about it, I need to explain it because it only works in Slovene. It involves thyme. I’m sure you know thyme, the herb, right? Ok, so there’s this species of wild thyme here in the Mediterranean with tiny pink flowers, that we call materina dušica, which in literal translation means mother’s soul. Me and Svarun were just picking it yesterday, and we need to take another foraging trip very soon because it’s in bloom right now. Now you know, here goes the joke: What do you get if you put a baby into a cup of boiling water? The materina dušica tea. “Ha, and you call yourself a mother,” my mind is telling me and trying to lure me into guilt as we speak. But I know better than to go that way. I’m loosening up and having a laugh, that’s all.

  1. Breathe

I’ve talked about breathing before and I will do more because breathing is always up to date, isn’t it? It’s the very fact of our existence. It is the first indicator of our aliveness. It is also the indicator of whether we are living or not, which is not the same as alive,  because to live means to take full responsibility of our experience. The way we breathe tells the story of our lives. If our breathing is shallow and fast, we are surviving. If we take deep and long breaths, we live our lives. Your breath is your birth right, and besides, a conscious breath is the best tool to bring you into the here and now. If you are aware of your breathing, you are present. If you are present, you live your life from moment to moment. If your breathing is on autopilot, the events of your life pass you by, and before you know it you’re old and alone and wondering:”Where did everybody go?”

I’m not going to tell you to start breathing, because if you’re reading this, the odds-on are that you are already doing it. The question is, are you conscious of your breath? Various disciplines like yoga, meditation, tai chi, chi gong (and many more) really help you focus on the breath, so you might want to undertake one or more. I really like practising vinyasa yoga, a dynamic yoga flow, where your movement follows your breath, and yin yoga, which in my opinion is the most meditative yoga, because you hold postures for up to 5 minutes and in that time, you really need to let go of the mind and just – breathe. If you’re not yet practising, I highly recommend meditation to everyone. It not only clears your mind, but also catapults you to a creative universe, where all of the magic happens and you get to be the boss of your existence. Not for you in this moment in time? In case you don’t want to get into yoga or meditation just yet, at least commit to your breath by regularly taking me-breaks throughout the day. Whenever you catch yourself breathing shallowly, start taking deep relaxing breaths with eyes closed, and check up on yourself by asking yourself: “How do I feel?” Shallow breathing can be the result of big emotions or the autopilot you had turned on. Notice it, thank it. Then imagine inhaling golden rays of positivity and exhaling all of the negativity that has gathered in your body. This visualisation alone will do wonders, I guarantee.

I’ll be talking about this more, and until I do, I wish you all good night.

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