Polarnost

(odlomek iz prihajajoče knjige Attha: Prebujanje v žensko esenco)

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Moškost in ženskost.

Moška energija in ženska energija.

Moška esenca in ženska esenca.

Moška statičnost, ženska spremenljivost.

Moška trdnost, ženska mehkoba.

Moška odločnost, ženska kaotičnost.

Veste, včasih se mi zazdi, da me pisanje, predvsem pa razmišljane in premlevanje o tej knjigi, o mojem prvem pisnem otročičku, preveč peha v moško energijo. Da postajam preveč po moško izključujoča, ko pravim, da je neko početje ali lastnost izrazito moško, kakšno drugo pa izrazito žensko. Da postajam preveč obremenjena z ločevanjem črnega od belega in premalo zavestna svoje ženske esence, ki priča o zaobjemanju, o vključevanju, o združevanju.

No, glede tistega »preveč« nisem povsem prepričana, je pa vsekakor res, da sam proces udejanjanja te knjige, torej prevajanja mojih plavajočih misli, občutkov in čustev v neko smiselno zaporedje besed, aktivira moško esenco znotraj mene. Moška energija je namreč prisotna venomer, ko fizično nekaj počnemo – in tukaj vam zares priporočam vdih – medtem ko o načinu, na katerega to počnemo, odloča ženska energija.

Ja, tako je. V današnjem svetu seveda ne moremo mimo tega, da nekaj ne bi počele (in, roko na srce, katera bi si sploh želela življenja brez delovanja, kaj?), toda če ob vsem delovanju ne želimo pozabiti na našo ženskost, poskrbimo, da same o odločamo o načinu, na katerega karkoli počnemo. Namesto naglice si zato izberimo preudarnost. Namesto več opravkov, si danes na svoje pleča naložimo manj in bodimo ob njih bolj prisotne, bolj radostne. Namesto tistega zloglasnega seznama, ki nam sporoča vse, kar moramo storiti, si danes zraven njega pripišimo tistega, ki nas bo opominjal na to, kako to storiti. To je tisto zaobjemanje, vključevanje, združevanje, o katerem sem prej govorila. Kako lepo je vedeti, da ni nič ni ločeno od ničesar drugega, kajne? Da je vse samo – v začetku morda res žongliranje, kasneje pa – ples dualnosti, znotraj katere živimo. Da ni početja brez načina, kako to počnemo. In da ni moške esence brez ženske esence. Nikjer. Niti znotraj nas nasmih. Prav zares.

Tantra uči, da smo fizične ženske v resnici pol moškega, fizični moški pa so potemtakem pol ženske. V vsakomur izmed nas bivata ta dva nasprotna in enakovredna pola. Nasprotna, ker se njune kvalitete in vrline dopolnjujejo. Enakovredna, ker ene niso boljše ali slabše od drugih, ampak zgolj in predvsem – drugačne. Ko spoznamo in sprejmemo oba naša obraza, lahko zaživimo v ekstazi, ki nas preplavi, ko se ženska in moški znotraj nas zlijeta v en tok, v eno strugo, v eno reko. Ta ekstaza je sok našega bivanja, ta ekstaza pomeni biti najden. Biti osvobojen vsega, kar mislimo, da smo, ali vsega, kar mislimo, da moramo biti. Dovoliti si svobodno izražati, dovoliti si svobodno živeti ta ples dveh nasprotnih kvalitet, pa je tisto, k čemer stremimo.

Ja, v vseh nas se prepletata notranji moški in ženska. In to je zdravo in neskončno podporno. Kar pa ni zdravo ali podporno, pa je to, da vsi, tako moški, kot tudi ženske, večinoma živimo in delujemo iz svojega notranjega moškega. Ženske bi naj znotraj ženske esence preživele vsaj 70% svojega časa, pri čemer bi naj moški v moški energiji preživeli prav toliko časa. To seveda nikakor ne more biti univerzalna formula, saj smo si ženske med seboj zelo različne, pri čemer je darilo, da lahko vsaka zase ugotovi, koliko katere energije je zanjo najboljše. Dejstvo pa je, da kot družba rabimo več ženske energije, in za dvig le-te smo odgovorni prav vsi. Ko gremo v akcijo, ko gremo v svet, da realiziramo stvari in postavimo nove paradigme, se še naprej poslužujmo moške, navzven usmerjene energije delovanja, ker je ta njena strast čudovito ognjena. Za kompenzacijo in harmonizacijo tega moškega principa, pa prav tako redno kakor delujemo navzven, delujmo tudi navznoter: negujmo svojo notranjo žensko z lepoto, z mehkobo, s počitkom, s sproščanjem, z užitkom. S praznovanjem, ki okrona naše delovanje. S praznovanjem, ki nam omogoča, da si za svoj vložek čestitamo in s tem svojo notranjo kupico napolnimo radosti.

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Izkušnja Tebe

Ko prihajajo misli k meni v rimah, vem, da sem na dobri poti. In zadnje čase se to dogaja vse pogosteje. Ja, zadnje čase veliko pesnim. Navadno je tako, da se pesmi nalagajo brez mojega zavedanja, toda nazadnje, v izkušnji, ki jo povzemam v spodnji pesmi, sem se v popolnosti zavedala, da pišem pesem medtem, ko sem z njim. Bila sva na mojem balkončku in se pogovarjala o psihoterapiji ter hipnozi, ki ga zelo zanimata. In ker nisem hotela zamuditi niti trenutka z njim in ker sem bila odločno preveč lena, da bi šla po svoj zvežčič, sem se odločila uporabiti hipnozo in si misli, ki me obiskujejo, zavestno vtisniti v spomin; jih uporabiti kot sidra, takorekoč. Vsako misel, ki me je obiskala, sem samo nekajkrat zavestno ponovila in si jo vtisnila v spomin s pomočjo čutnih dražljajev, ki so pisali izkušnjo večera. Potem sem se naprej predala izkušnji, v popolnem zaupanju, da me besede ne zapuščajo. Ko sem vendarle prišla do zvežčiča, sem pesem resnično uspela izpisati, po trenutkih, ki sem jih podoživela. Neskončno hvaležna sem za to izkušnjo!

Ta ep sem uglasbila v ritmu kizomba in upam, da ga lahko čimprej podelim tudi z vašimi ušesi … ampak do tedaj ga delim z vami v takšni, črno-beli natipkani verziji.

Da lahko napišem tole pesem

se znajdem tu,

kjer se potapljam vate.

To, kar s prsti delaš,

ko mi božaš dlan

me hipnotizira.

Dotik je v bistvu to,

kar sem potrebovala,

da sem ob nekom.

Da čutim bližino tvoje kože,

da mi zadišiš.

 

Plešeš z mojimi dlanmi.

Vedno bliže siliva.

 

Pomagaš mi osvoboditi se jope,

moja gola ramena ljubiš.

Tista nevidna sila je tu

in naju vleče skupaj.

Ko sklonim se, da bi te poljubila,

ker danes se še nisva poljubila,

vzvaloviva,

vzvaloviva,

vzvaloviva.

 

Tako tvoja sem.

Tako si te želim sprejet.

 

Domov, domov,

v eno hitiva, se v eno mediva.

Domov, domov,

Saj ne morem verjet, da sva kar na balkonu.

Vse bliže se bližava (sopihava),

Vse više se višava (sopihava),

Vse niže se nižava (sopihava),

Medtem mi veter šepeta: »Vzemi ga!«

 

Slečeva se v enem valu

in srečava se brez plasti,

potapljam se v mehkobo tvoje kože,

ko prodiraš vame, mmm.

Še včeraj je bila dilema:

»Naj vzamem, kar lahko mi daš?«

Ta trenutek ljubezni ni “vse”, kar želim,

no, očitno bom pač “vse”

iskala drugje.

 

A s kom se sploh jaz vse ljubim zdaj,

ko se nežno porivava v raj?

 

To, da dovolim,

da me zanos preplavi (tudi na balkonu),

užitek, ki me vabi na ples

dveh teles in duš.

To je najbližja izkušnja Boga

v tem telesu,

to je resnična izkušnja Boga –

in to je moja molitev.

 

A s kom pravzaprav jaz molim zdaj,

ko se čutno porivam s tabo v raj?

 

Domov, domov,

v eno hitiva, se v eno mediva.

Domov, domov,

Saj ne morem verjet, da sva kar na balkonu.

Vse bliže se bližava (sopihava),

Vse više se višava (sopihava),

Vse niže se nižava (sopihava),

Medtem mi veter šepeta: »Vzemi ga!«

light

I am Enough

I’m sitting on Svarun’s bathroom step stool (you know the little steps they make for children to reach bathroom sink) while the computer is resting on our bamboo laundry hamper, dancing throughout my typing. I just washed my hair, something I was looking forward throughout the day, and I love how the water is freely dripping on my back and ass. I’m sitting here because I have nowhere else to go; namely, the floor in the rest of the flat is still wet from cleaning. I cleaned the entire flat because if there’s something I know about myself it’s that I like to return to a fresh and tidy home. So I decided to make myself happy. I’m the first one to take care of that. It’s just me after all.

During the day while I was preparing vegan treats to sell at a weekend festival here in Slovenia, I felt really good … but confused. I had this conversation in the morning with my friend and we were talking about running a business and making in happen and while it left me inspired for a while, it all melted down into these existential questions like “who am I” and “what is real” and “do I have to pick one thing to be, or can I immerse into everything that my heart desires”. I liked the existential nature of the questions I was asking myself because I think that once in a blue moon (or rather every moon) it’s good to redefine ourselves. Like, from head to toe. That’s one of the qualities of the darkness; of digging deep into oneself.

Who am I, then?

My friend Attila from Arambol’s jungle in India sums it up perfectly, when he says: “When we switch off the mobile and all the information and the news, suddenly it’s awakening by itself. It’s what we are all dreaming of, to be nobody again – it means ourselves, not this or that.” In the darkness, the etiquettes that we’ve attached to ourselves dissolve and what is left is what we really are.

What I learned today, is that I’m enough. I’m enough to do all the work that I need to do. I’m enough to go to a festival alone with my son. I’m enough to keep my son company. I’m enough to set up a tent, think of all we’re going to eat in the following days. I’m enough to do it all by myself.

Mind you, I didn’t know this before. I was always taught that a woman, let alone a mother, needs a man to help her out, so I gladly accepted the help that was lying around. I had been counting on it, so it always came. But with time I’ve learned that by accepting people’s help to do just about everything, I was disempowering myself. When I would break up with my boyfriend for the hundredth time, I’d call a friend because I couldn’t handle my emotions; when I would need to pay a bill, I’d call my father to do it for me because I couldn’t do it via the internet but didn’t feel like going to the post office to do it physically. The list goes on. And while I’m not saying it’s bad to ask for help or accept it when offered, I am saying: don’t count on it. The only person I can count on is myself. And this I’m not saying with my a mouth full of bitter ash of disappointment, but with pride and a full heart that knows – I am enough.

It’s always just me … which I mean in the most empowering way possible.

Go girl!

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Invitation: Let’s Do This Together

I’m not perfect. I’m not. Quite honestly, I’m highly imperfect. You can ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you how my insecurity gets in the way of my strength and will oftentimes. Or how my fears dare me to trust. Or how the hole from a belly button in my navel literally exploded when I was pregnant with Svarun and now looks like … well, as though it had exploded. So yeah, pretty much imperfect.

I’ve been thinking about “perfect” lately. What is perfect anyway? It means separate, actually. I had a boyfriend with a golden heart, a lot of compassion and an awesomely working mind, who could make a wonderful leader one day. But because he considered himself perfect, he was always in conflict and everybody eventually ran away from him. Us humans can’t relate to perfect because being perfect as we know it is not humane. I said “as we know it” because we use the word perfect as an outside evaluation of an internal criteria. Etymologically, the word perfect comes from the Latin word perfectus, which meant “to bring to full development”. What happens when we bring something, including ourselves, to full development? The end. When we are perfect, there is nothing more for us to do or be, and when that happens, there is no aim, no inspiration, and no path for us to walk. Nothing. Perfect is the ultimate end of the road.

And being human is about the road, it really is. Just think: what happens when you get somewhere you were dreaming or you get something you really desired? There is that initial flow of excitement, sure, but after that? You want something else. And the way you are going to get it will outweigh the thing, or place, or a relationship you’re going to get. It always does.

Before I became a mother, I would turn my back and go away whenever I felt restless. I’d go somewhere else and when the initial excitement there burnt off, I was left with myself, again. And then I’d go somewhere else, but nowhere else was fine, because everywhere else would tell me the same old thing: where you really want to go is INSIDE. And at first, I was left terrified at what I may find. But I’m here now. Are you?

Are you ready to dig deeper? The way within is the way to happiness, wholeheartedness, harmony. To love, to expression. And I’m here, inviting you on this journey with me, because we’re all in this together. Haven’t you noticed that the people around you go through many similar things? The fact that we’re all so intrinsically connected so as to bring into fruition the same sort of things at present … both amazes and inspires me. And forces me to stand up and stand out and share my experience of self-discovery. Through my writing, through my songs and music, through my motherhood, through my food and movement. Through all of it and more, but right here – through my writing. Sara, whom I take for my teacher, says: “Whatever I recognize in others, it’s because I own it, too. There are pieces of me in everyone else. When I realize this, I can be free.”

So. Do you wanna grow with me? Right here, ritually, every day?

 And you know what? Let’s ditch the word perfect for true. True is being able to look at the places in us that we’ve tried to hide. I’m talking about really looking, confronting the shadows. And then alchemically transforming them into … light.

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Bathing in the sunLIGHT at the river Dragonja. Photo courtesy of my dear soul sister Anja Orian, who made the wonderful linen skirt I’m wearing. You can check out her masterpieces on https://www.etsy.com/shop/InteriorHandmade?ref=l2-shopheader-name.

Having to Decide? 

There is this subject in my life upon which I constantly feel the need to decide. Am I willing to put up with this or not? How will my life unfold if I walk away? There is this something that’s still keeping me from doing what I know I should and I don’t know what it is. Correction: my soul knows, but my mind is not ready to accept it. Which leaves me between a rock and a hard place. Indecisive. And every time I do take a decision and make it official, a new test is on the rise, checking up on me and having a good laugh: “Are you sure this time around?”

Whenever we are trying to decide upon something, we become stiff. All of the flexibility, which is the primal characteristic of our soul, vanishes and makes it impossible for us to dance and move and be. What to do instead? Let go.

Our soul is expansive beyond our imagination. It is constantly seeking new experiences, because those help our soul to realize itself in new ways. When we try hard to decide upon something, what we are really doing is caging our soul. Svarun is the perfect example of this; for one, he is a child and on top of that a libra, which probably makes his mind weigh things a bit further. What I noticed is very profound. Whenever I give him two or more options, he becomes frustrated, restless and willing to pick a fight. This is no wonder, since his soul wants all of it, but the mind is trying to convince him he only needs one of the two. Bollocks.

When our mind is not in alignment with our soul it is because the latter wants expression, while the first just wants control, at least most of the time. So in order to “decide”, let’s stop deciding right now. This very moment let us give our souls the experience of all of it by giving our minds the experience of nothing. No thing, no think, no thinking. Ha! When the soul is given the chance to experience everything within arm’s reach, it is sure to guide us, saying “this is me” when it finds fascination, and “this isn’t me” when it doesn’t.

Inspiration is the main food for our soul. When our soul experiences something fascinating, inspiring, exhilarating or exciting, you will know you’ve make the right decision. And the right decision is always the same: expand. Getting to know more makes it possible for us to be more.

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