On Showing up For Our Part

I was on the phone with a certain very wise sir the other day. We were talking about this and that when I cracked up open, telling him all my ferocious plans for the next year that really light my fire. What he responded I carry with me.

“Yes, well. The plans sound amazing, but then you have to let Life happen for you.”

His reply really provoked my deep, unsatiable need to control things. It provoked my once-knowledge that us humans only co-create this amazing, full, joyous, our life. We co-create it with all that is (which we are also part of). All that is can translate as god, Universe, Inteligence, Pachamama. And this highly compassionate Presence is aware of all our wishes and continues to readily fulfill them under the condition that it serves as the highest good for all. And ourselves as beings that dig to learn our lessons and deepen our connection to ourselves and life itself, practice acceptance along the way.

Acceptance of what is in trust that all is good, because life itself is good, and because we are deeply loved and guided, is the very essence of the female energy.

“And it harm none, so mote it be.”

Today seems like a good day to let go of my plans.

*Sure, I’ll have desires … but they won’t make me clench my teeth when not fulfilled the minute I want them too.

*And I’ll have wishes still … but never so big so as to prioritize them over my feelings or feelings of loved ones nearby.

*And I’ll continue to dream my dreams … ever so vast, ever so huge, ever so blue-skied and free.

I will show up for my part of the deal, and trust that the Universe will show up for its part of the deal, as it always does. I will rest assured that it will lead me – directly or over a few turns – to the Woman I Have Yet To Be.

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Femininity and Masculinity

All human beings posses both, the masculine and the feminine aspect – two contrasting forces that are drawn towards each other. The feminine aspect is charged with negative polarity, yin, that welcomes, draws towards herself all that she desires, whereas the masculine aspect is overflowing with positive polarity, yang, that righteously fuels a man to take action towards achieving his goals. The feminine aspect is bound to be more abundant in women, but present in men as well, while the masculine should prevail in men, but should also be found in women.

One look at the western societies tells us that the aforementioned structure has been shattered, since most people – both men and women – predominantly live in their masculine essence of action, action, action. This should not come as a surprise if you take into account our education, our upbringing and the values that were passed on from a few generations back. We have all been taught since very early on that striving, pushing it and making it happen is the way to get things done around here. Having no other model to look up to, us women took up the masculine dynamic, went out into the world, achieved … and got back home exhausted and needing to take care of the kids, home, and our partner.

While the masculine approach may well serve men in initiating and igniting their desires, it will only drain, wear out and bring women to their last legs. Funnily enough, as I was checking the synonyms for “exhausted” on the internet, the dictionary’s first example sentence for the word “tired” said: “She came home tired from work.” You don’t really believe it was a coincidence that she was tired, not him? If even dictionaries, written by men and women in our society, say that women are bound to come home tired from work, it must also be written in our collective consciousness that the feminine aspect was not designed to fit the masculine society’s tight schedule. Indeed, women are not meant to use up much energy and force in order to achieve, because we excel at attracting and accepting the energy that we have pulled towards us. And yes, we accept everything that comes our way, including the energies and outcomes we might not want. For instance, did you know that during a sexual intercourse the woman accepts into her literal body not only the man’s penis, but his emotional state with all the baggage as well? Everything we as women accept into our own energy field, into our own being keeps piling up in our wombs until our creative centre is brimming with feelings and beliefs that not necessarily serve us.

If we know that as women we will accept everything that comes our way, we can start now to be the judge of what’s coming. To be the judges of what’s coming, the magnificent creators of our own life experiences, we must learn how to live from the feminine.

But how?

By listening, not speaking. Now shhh; open your inner ear.

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Gotta Love Him, the Scorpio

Do you feel the Scorpio’s rule this year? It seems highly unlikely but this year, I felt immediately when the happy-go-lucky Libra set off and king of the shadow, Scorpio, took over. I know that because I started to feel more tension running through my veins than normally. That, and more visits to my shadows than usual.

My shadow emotion has got to be anger. It’s the first feeling I would get when something doesn’t go according to the plan. I’m not a particularly fearful human being, and I don’t get gloomy all that often – but I will get angry in no time. Anger is the one that’s using up the fire of my bright spirit – when I’m not tuned in. Into myself. Into my body and mind. When my head is calculating the earnings, the to-do list, the people I have to call, the articles I have to write … instead of noticing what’s here and now.

And what’s been here and now is my beautiful son, figuring out this world. This past week he didn’t go to kindergarten so we spent all of our days together all the time. For the first couple of days I didn’t even do my yoga or meditation, but when I saw where this has brought me (and consequently us) I quickly called a halt to the absence of inner-goddess-time. I need this time as I do my oxygen to stay alive – and I took that time as I do my oxygen … even if he regularly uses my downward dog for a bridge to climb under, and even if I use a non-harming cartoon with no commercials to relax into a meditation. Well, it’s called life!

So yeah, it’s been wackadoodle around here. But I chose it because I wanted to see how far along am I in managing my roles as a woman, mother, mompreneur, single parent and constant teacher and student thingy – at the same time. What?! I’m getting better, though. My technique?  Try to remember as often as I can that:

  1. Life is not as serious as I tend to think of it. So laugh a little. Or a lot. Actually … don’t ever stop.
  2. All is good because I’m exactly where I need to be … I just need to come out of my head and notice where I’m being.

So even though I have had to try much harder to accept life’s situations with laughter, rather then with anger, I’m still here, bolder and brighter. And you know what?

There is nowhere else I’d rather be because

there is no skin that would better fit me.

I walking the feminine journey a step at a time

never forgetting that whatever is here to chew –

it’s fine, because it’s mine.

I’m focused on not forgetting that I’m here to shine,

and to turn all of the worldly things into my shrine.

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Sadness

Two days ago I woke up feeling sad. I had had a very busy menstrual week that led to an exhausting weekend, and Monday when I didn’t take care of my spiritual needs but rather cleaned the after-party house. I got up, snuggled with Svarun, and went to the bathroom, where I found Her in the mirror.

»What are you doing here?« I asked Her. She didn’t say anything but I knew that she’s here for a reason. Sadness never came without one.

I tried to waltz her out: »Listen, I think you got it wrong. I’m having a great time, you see. And for the first time in history, I can feel that my life is going in the right direction. I can smell it and sense it and nearly touch it. And I can feel it’s good. It’s real good. So you can just leave because I’m doing alright. Besides,  I don’t have time to lay around and cry all day. I mean, why should I if I know everything is fine and I’m just a little tired, that’s all?«

»It’s not me who got it wrong. You did,« said She.

This made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to hang out with Sadness, I had huge plans for myself that day. So I started again, a little less patient, a little less calm: »Please leave, I’m busy.«

Svarun crawled into the bathroom to pee. We were late, really late, so I told him to hurry up and dress himself: »Nona will be here any minute now and it’s not fair to leave her waiting.«

My mum picks Svarun up every morning and takes him to his daycare because she works a few hundred meters away.

»I won’t be bothering you. I’ll just sit down and wait until you’re not busy anymore, ok?« she said, swinging herself on my red sofa and making herself very comfortable.

My mom came, and because we weren’t ready, I told her – barely sucking it up – that I will take Svarun to kindergarten.

»Look, I’m not going to be not busy anytime soon, so maybe we can agree to meet some other time. I have to take Svarun to kindergarten now and then I have a bunch of things to do because I’m going to be late anyway, this ride is going to take me at least an hour and …«

»I’ll go with you,« she reasoned and sneaked into the car.

I cried. And cried. And cried. And as I escorted Svarun to his daycare, I cried some more.

I cried for the past few years, when I related more with DOING than with BEING. I cried for that. I cried for all of us who got caught up in this patriarchal wound. When did doing become more important than being? When did our achievements become more important than how loving we are towards each other?

The more I cried, the better I felt. Me and Sadness were both very quiet, and yet we knew exactly what the other meant.

She was saying: »You’ve been ignoring me.«

I was saying, »I don’t want to be Sad.«

She was saying: »You’re making me feel like I’m bad or something.«

I was saying: »Well, you make me feel bad.«

She was saying: »That’s yours to deal with, not mine.«

I was saying »What do you mean? I’m not supposed to feel sad if I’m conscious of my path.«

She said: »Whoever told you that, hasn’t got it all figured out.«

I stopped my thoughts. I stopped crying. She was right. Whoever told us Sadness was bad? Whoever told us to stop being sad, because we should have thought before about it, when our favourite toy broke? Whoever told us that we’re not supposed to think about sad things because then sad things will happen?

Well, only Everybody.

And now it’s enough.

Feel your Sadness, she’s here to guide you somewhere.

Accept your Sadness, because she’s a part of your equation.

Rethink your relationship to your Sadness, because she’s not the bad that you need to steer clear of. She part of the story, your story. And it’s a real story, where positive and the negative live together in harmony. She is not here to lure you down into depression; she’s here to remind you of all the reasons that you have to feel good. She’s here with you all the time, to help you be the best you you can be at this point in time. She is you and you are her.  

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Renewal

This moon’s cycle is all about Renewal. Renewal of Trust.

Yesterday I spiralled down to the place where I felt hopeless. Is everything I used to believe a lie? Is this the kind of world where I want to raise my son? I went to bed with my mouth full of bitter ash and I had a hard time sleeping with all these pictures running through my mind. I didn’t want to feel what I felt but I knew I had to feel it. Once a month I allow myself to take the pains of the world as my own; I drown myself in the scars and sink deep … only to rise again stronger and lighter then before.

Today I rose again. I was blessed with time and space for me, as my boys were away. I was working on an inspiring project that I’m preparing for all of you, guys. Reminding myself of what I stand for, what I believe in, and what I praise and preach towards instilled in me a new sense of Trust. Trust into the World that I doubted yesterday. Trust into My World. This meant: no, I didn’t feel like cooking. I felt the way I feel every menstruation, and it is to spiral down, cuddle up and dig, dig. No, I didn’t feel like cooking, but instilled with the new sense of Trust into the world that wants to caress us … I knew we would be fed.

So I finished work, and went for a ten minute barefoot walk on my meadow before picking my boys. I followed the sun’s invitation and cuddled up with golden grass beneath the top of the hill, where the Bora couldn’t get me, and soaked in the last autumn rays … when my mother called. She seemed excited to invite us all for dinner because she was blessed with beginner’s luck to find three big mushrooms on a walk through the woods.

Mushroom pasta for dinner? Thank you, heavens, for guarding my descent to renew my Belief into the world.

I knew we would be fed. And I knew, even in the darkest hour, when I had trouble sleeping, that everything would be okay. Everything is always okay, if there’s Trust in the okay. It’s the same kind of Trust that the story will come; even if it is 8 p.m., when I slowly unplug myself from the World.

If I Trust that there is a story to come, the story will come.

If I Trust that everything will be okay, everything is always okay. The question is … are we okay with the okay, or are we aiming at something else?

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Hey, guys, I’m in …

… France.

We arrived last Tuesday to do some seasonal work of grape-picking in Champagne. As soon as I learned about the possibility of it this year, I knew this was something I wanted to pursue. I heard a lot of warnings about it being a really hard work and I didn’t want to be away from Svarun for two weeks, but if I listened closely, I could hear my soul clearly, telling me that this was the experience she wanted. This would be a unique opportunity to earn good money in a short while, to spend some more than 24 hours’ worth quality-time with my boyfriend alone; this is something we haven’t done in eighteen months of knowing each other. And it would be a good time to recalibrate myself within the relationships I have with the people I love the most: my son, my boyfriend, my parents, my friends and my sisters. The Universe agreed, so we took off on Monday night.

Thus far I can’t tell you what the work is like and – maybe even more important – what the payment amounts to, because we start the work tomorrow. But I can tell you about

Being in an intimate relationship that works for me is hardest thing ever. I am certain I have come here to learn how to make it work, while being me, and being happy and whole all the way through. They say that the ego is the price for true love and I have come to think that it might be true, because being here with my loved one is boiling my stubborn self onto the surface big time. My stubborn self tells me I’m the captain of my boat, and I am eternally grateful for being able to hear the echo of these words on the inside. She mostly acts as my cheerleader, who gives me the faith in myself that I need if I want to do things that matter. Sometimes, though, she will make me believe that I should always come up with my own solutions, even though others’ ideas may serve me better. You see, my stubborn self considers taking an advice to be a failure, because it’s not mine enough. My stubborn self is doing everything to protect me from getting hurt she’ll even say things like:

You’ve come this far to get a glimpse of who you are that I’m afraid you might forget what being you is all about if you follow the path of least resistance.”

Come to think about it, that does not serve, but imprisons me into thinking that I should always do it on my own. And “on my own” sometimes feels like a very lonely place. Basically, it is just like saying: “I’ve travelled 1200 kilometers to get a glimpse of what a vreiment croissant beurre (the real deal butter croissant) tastes like that I’m afraid I might forget the taste when I get home. So whenever I want a butter croissant, I should travel 1200 kilometers because purchasing it at a local French bakery doesn’t cut it.” What?!

Aren’t we here to learn to distinguish what works and what doesn’t? Aren’t we here to learn to recognize the path of least resistance and follow the signs onward?

Doing my own thing, even when I recognize is not working, is not the path of least resistance, while dissolving the attachment to “mine” is. While I still believe all of the answers are dug deep inside of us, I have come to accept that I’m not less of myself when I follow an advice. I’m not less of myself if I can admit I’m wrong, or I’m being mean, or I’m being insulting; I’m on the way to more. And expansion is what my soul loves to do.

The path of least resistance is the one we can follow only if we’re done believing what we’ve been told; that live is a struggle, that we ought to fight to do it right, that most of our energy should be used to make a living … not a life.

Life, anyone?

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Buttons

Svarun has the ability to press all of my premenstrual self’s buttons. If anyone, he has a gift of finding those hidden ones that catapult me into a wretch. One such button that really opens up my head is obeying. Or rather, disobeying, his tendency to do the exact opposite of what I tell him to. Of course I can thus conceptually understand that what I should do is tell him to do the opposite of what I want him to do and make a joke out of it, but it’s like this non-behaving thing puts my roof on fire. I know I should invite more easiness into this situation, but it still has me in its claws. I don’t believe in punishment as a way to cease the unwanted behaviour. I don’t believe there is anything about Svarun that is to be fixed; he’s perfect as he is and a perfect mirror of what he sees most. Me.

I mean, how can I expect my child to do what I tell him to if he’s never seen me do anything anyone else told or even advised me? How can I expect him to trust me if he’s spent his life watching me “fight” my parents for what I believe in? How could he even know how to obey without struggle if the only thing he’s ever seen is me opposing the supposed authority?

I don’t believe in fixing the child. I believe in fixing me and fixating me upon peace in relationships.

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