Transformation

I’m in the dark, in the wintertime. Not just this month’s winter, but the winter of my Abundance. I hit a rough patch there.

On the one hand, I’ve got my mother telling me that if she were me, she would go and clean toilets to offer her child more things. She is still the one to think that kids, just like many adults, need things to fill the emotional void inside and thus be happy. The things will set him free? She is still the one to think that only a real job offers the safety net that chasing after my dreams of being a writer and a singer never will. That’s right! Chasing after my dreams will never get me into a place of financial security. I must be the one to set the tempo of manifestation and my dreams will follow, not vice versa. However, being a mother and still following my soul’s desire seems outrageous and irresponsible. There we have it, example number 1 (of what, you’ll soon learn).

On the other hand, we’ve got a typical visit of our farmer’s market/ health food store/ local shop. My wallet may be pretty much empty, but I’ve always had this feeling that abundance is right around the corner for me. Honestly. I can feel it. I can definitely believe it. I just don’t know how to get from A to B, you see. “A little less conversation, a little more action,” may be a good advice. I can feel the abundance that’s waiting for me to take a step forward; it’s funny, unexplainable, and it’s leaving me perplexed when I go to the store, calculating and browsing for change in the holes of my pockets. And regardless of the impending abundance, I think to myself: “This ain’t no life, this ain’t no living.” There we have it, example number 2 … of my worthiness issues.

I’ve heard it said that money is the compensation for the value that you give out to the world. But if you don’t mind I’ll complete this statement by saying that the value that we are talking about always comes from the first person singular, the doer. For how could anything valuable come from a person who doesn’t value himself? Money is therefore the reflection of our self-worth. Huh?

Um, let’s delve even deeper. And deeper. Into the dark.

The dark is very welcoming. It makes us calm down, become present and take another perspective on our lives. It makes it possible for us to trace our moons and stars and all the other things and people and situations that shine and make our lives brighter. Can you recognize yours? By contrasting the light, the dark also helps us see what exactly doesn’t qualify in our lives anymore. And then it also gives space for transformation to occur, the alchemy, which is the natural ability of our cyclical nature.

I feel that I’m in the transformation from the Maiden to the Mother archetype. Sure, I’ve been an actual mother for the past three and a half years, but up until now I didn’t exactly know my place in our family of two. I was in between minds. I was either both, the mother and the father, or just hanging around, waiting for someone to come and partner me and father my son. But now I’m ready to take responsibility, for the Universe is kicking me to leave behind the girlish insecurity and rise as a woman.

The Maiden is so insecure and therefore afraid to commit to anything by fear of being marked as just someone who’s making these delicious energy bars for you. “I’m not just your f*** cook,” her surly temper’s got the best of her. This skin is becoming too tight. I think I’ll move on … to the Mother, who knows what she is and none of her descriptions of herself involve the demeaning words, such as “only” or “just”. She knows she’s got it all. She owns it. And she doesn’t give a flying f*** as to what others may think of her. She knows what she’s here to do and she goes and does it, because the world needs her loving presence. And the world needs her natural feeling of abundance, that she radiates forward.

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Commitment Yes, Commitment No?

Svarun is finally home! Boy, oh boy, did I ever miss that golden, fiery, talkative boy. Today we had an amazing day together; long and full, but amazing.

But after he’s gone to bed, the things that challenged me throughout the day surfaced. The things were many. I’m in the midst of my period. My mind is scattered all over, trying to figure a way out of what I would call “a mess”. I feel cranky and tired. I feel like there are things happening against my will. And I feel everything would be just fine if there were someone here to pat me on back. If there were someone here to say “there, there” or grab the reins when I need a nap.

Basically, what I’m feeling is very sorry for myself and just realizing it now. Whoa! Hello again, you, feeling. Feeling sorry for myself used to be my dominant way of feeling. It’s what I was brought up with. It goes something like this: I’ll take it if I get to complain about it. If I get to complain, I’m not happy. Not being happy is normal, so I’m in my comfort zone. All is well.

Being in the “poor me” is the easiest thing you could do, but it brings the least joy, if any at all. As my dear teacher Sara always says: “When nothing depends upon you, you needn’t take any responsibility for your life.”  Easy? Sure. Happy? Doubt it.

For example, me and Sara were talking for quite some time today. In the meantime Svarun found a two cups’ worth of oat flakes and got the inspiration to bake something on his own. He gathered oat flakes, organic baking powder, rice syrup, and water and came asking for permission to use each of the ingredients. I was like “yeah, yeah”, trying to divide my attention between the phone call and my son. Now, this may not have been the first time he decided to bake something, but it was the first time he committed to it. His commitment to pull it off, find a baking tray, put it into the oven and wait patiently for it to be done resulted in the very first time we got to eat his cake and, more importantly, a very excited and proud young man! It’s entirely edible and beyond – it’s delicious. But for me to see that took some strength. I could have stayed in the “poor me” and stick to my moth cashew tragedy, I could. But if I did, I wouldn’t realize how big this moment was for him. Seeing the victimhood game for what it was, I could shift the focus to the present moment and commit to being happy for my son’s rite of passage.

How do we take responsibility for our lives, then? By committing.

The other day somebody was asking me about my constant frequent updates here on the blog. I was asked about commitment and I remember using physics to explain my feelings. Now, I’m not a physicist or a left-brainer per se (two of my best friends are, though), but I swear I couldn’t find a more understandable explanation of what it feels like to commit than using centrifugal and centripetal forces to illustrate. Before you commit to your calling, you’re further away from the centre of the curve. You’re in the outskirts of the curve and don’t take responsibility for your life and your being. You have a job that doesn’t fulfil you and you complain about it, but feel you can’t do anything to change it. You don’t live your life, your life lives you. Then, once you realize you can’t afford such mediocre existence in this astonishing time-space reality, you commit to do whatever it takes to feel good and be the boss of your own life. You are then stepping on a whole new frequency, my friend. You’re coming closer to the centre of the circle, the rolling circle being you, your path and your calling. The closer you get to the centre, the more centripetal force you feel. The centripetal force stands for good feelings in the inertia that result from your decision to commit: fulfilment, calmness, happiness, feeling of being taken care of, and feeling of a cooperative Universe. Once you’ve had a sip of the fulfilment that you get when you carry out your soul’s desire, you want more and more of it because it just feels good. However, the more centripetal force you feel, the more centrifugal force there is. The latter is said to result from inertia and is “the tendency of an object to resist any change in its state of rest or motion”. There we have it, the perfect explanation of … fear. Right? The more you’re giving yourself in, the more fear you are feeling. Fear accompanies every creative venture, pushing us to either give in and commit, or give up and go back to the outskirts until we decide it’s time to commit to the inertia.

What will we do? What will ye do? Can you find something to commit to?

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On Our True Essence

I held the Universe in my hands.

It was looking back at me, curiously.

I was touched by the Eternity and the Now when I held a newborn in my hands yesterday.

My best friend gave birth to Eon Vitan a week ago and upon losing my wallet, I decided to hitchhike there. I was in that “baby mood” all day yesterday and finally, when I saw him in Nika’s hands, all helpless and profound and breastfeeding, I bursted into tears. The same way I’m bursting into tears now just thinking about it. He made me think of the Universe that I had in my hands almost four years ago; the Universe that’s been in my life ever since, but my vision gets blurred so I sometimes don’t recognize it as such. It made me see how much I’ve grown over the last years. And it made me grateful for it all.

As I was holding Eon and supporting his tiny black-haired head, I remembered the oneness. I remembered we were all once as fragile as he is now. I remembered. I remembered that we were all just these shining examples of pure light and goodness, making this world a better place. We were? Excuse me, we are. Present Tense. But somehow most of us forgot along the way.

“Well, when did it go wrong? What happened?” you might be asking yourself. Life happened. The life we ourselves chose had built layers and layers of conditions upon us. Why? So that we could get to the point where we are now and look back and unlearn and unleash everything that’s not serving us. And go on happily ever after, always aware of our light, always aware of the light of others, and always shining our light into the world.

For example, I had these two guys pull over when I was hitchhiking to Nika’s place. I could see they had probably downed one or two pints and they were heading to a local fair. And I could see the way the driver was looking at me, as though the pints had unleashed the beast. He wanted me to come along to the fair, but all I ever said was: “I’m going to see a baby. Thanks, but no thanks.” We got to talking about the music that they played rather loud in the car, and the co-pilot said: “I really like Rihanna. She’s my favourite.” And I said, for the sake of curiosity: “I see. Well, I think she’s pretty, too.” The driver then said: “I could use her up. And I could use you up, too. ” He looked at me expectantly and all I could think was: “Well, that’s too bad. Whenever did the men forget how to talk to a woman?”

“I’m a lady, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said and we all shared a laugh.

And the air in the car didn’t get thicker.

And the moods didn’t get tenser.

And the road didn’t get longer.

We moved on. The reason we could move on was in my ability not to play his chauvinistic game. That ability I got from yesterday’s “baby mood”. When he said he “could use me up”, I could think to myself “what a bastard, he thinks he has the power over me to do anything” and it could lead me into saying something like: “Oh, yeah? Who do you think you are? I don’t think so”. In that case I would be fighting him and what fighting ever does is exhaust the ones who are fighting. There are much better ways to avoid conflict, but the best way must be to “love your neighbour as thyself”.

Because I love myself I was very well aware who I am, where I stand and who gets closer to me, regardless of his remark. I didn’t have to fight to show the driver that; I just rested in my knowing, while the latter made him realize it, too, the minute I replied. And because I love my neighbour, in this case the driver, I nurtured him with my complete loving understanding of why he said what he said. I didn’t hold the grudge for I knew he didn’t mean any harm – he just ddidn’t have the ability to say things in a nicer, more sensitive, more appealing way. I could see he was a good man, but even more so, I could see the harmless little baby that he was once was, that he still is … although shadowed by layers and layers of conditions.

Thank you, dear Eon, for reminding me of our true essence yesterday.

Thank you, dear Svarun, for teaching me how to cultivate that essence on a daily basis.

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Light and Dark

Life is a balance of light and dark. Everyone gets to choose how much of each he’s willing to put up with … until he or she realizes that what we call dark is really just a cry for more light.

I have always been into experimenting with the darkness. I was drawn to people with a certain shadow quality that I wanted to … experience. I fell in love with boys and men with addictive patterns of damaging themselves because I wanted to … observe it. And I was delving deep into my insecurities, fears, anger. Although I was very intrigued by the darkness, I never feared it. It thought that darkness was just a good place to hide, and so I wanted to lift the veil for everyone, including me, to come out – shamelessly, painlessly, fearlessly. I learned the hard way that I couldn’t lift the veil for others; it’s not mine to lift. That was then. That was me as a Maiden.

Now, as a woman, I came to know that darkness is not just a good place to hide, it’s also a good place to rest, to restore, to meditate, to dream, and to be. It’s a good place. As we speak I’m sinking into my menstrual mode, the time of truth. The time to face my darkness and my light; to face what tools I’ve got in my hands to work with. Menstruation is the time of barren winter fields, the time of Death. I’m lifting the veil of that, which the rest of the month doesn’t get to see.

I said that darkness was just a cry for more light. We are the ones to shine that light. Darkness is a place where your fears reside, but when you shine your light of truth upon them, they disappear. The same way as a dark room is no longer dark when you turn on the light.

That is what happens during our menstruation. We delve deep into the underworld to nest the fears and once ready, we shine the light of understanding, of experience, of knowing upon them and they become transformed. It’s called alchemy and it’s what’s calling me to face it.

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Accept the Invitation

I thought I was going to write about the ego today, because I really delved deep into feeling the feels. You see, I promised my grandmother I would help her pick string beans from my parents’ garden, so we spent the whole morning together. My father’s mother is usually the first person to trigger me into reacting, but we ended up having a really nice conversation in the fields and it got me thinking what it takes to invite more flow into relationships. But since throughout the day my answer to just about everything was “I can’t say anything for I can’t find my wallet”, I just wanted to tell the Universe, here and now, that: “I accept your invitation, dude!”

You see, when Svarun was waving me goodbye, and I thought about the solo-week ahead, two things I want to in these seven days immediately came into my awareness. The first one is: “I’m not going to the grocery shop for the whole week ahead”. This doesn’t mean I was planning to starve myself, but rather to use up what I have in stock and the bounty from both mine, as well as my parents’ gardens. The second thing was: “I haven’t hitchhiked in at least four years, I want to do some hitchhiking!” Well, technically this isn’t true because me, my friend and Svarun did hitchhike in Tenerife last year. What I was probably after when the thought crossed my mind is: “I want that feeling of being open to an adventure and the feeling like I’m not rushing anywhere because I’ve got all the time in the world to get to my point B.”

The Universe said: Check. And Check.

And I say: I’ll play your game. Besides, thanks for setting this up for me. As ever.

With my wallet and my credit card being gone, I obviously cannot go to a shop or spend the money in any possible way. And with my wallet being gone, I obviously cannot drive, because I keep my driver’s licence there. So this is taken care of. Gee, thanks. I take the challenge, gladly. I’m going on a hitchhiking trip on Saturday to meet my sister at the seaside, and then I’ll turn 180° and go the other way to visit my best friend and her brand new baby boy, who was born six days ago. Sounds like a plan, doesn’t it?

Besides, if you’re getting worried – because I know a lot of people feel uneasy about hitchhiking – relax, please. It is perfectly safe to go hitchhiking here in Slovenia. Actually, I will go so far as to claim that it is perfectly safe to go on hitchhiking anywhere in the world, as long as you’ve tended to your mind beforehand. If you have a belief system that tells you that this world is a dangerous place, where bad things happen to people, I think you’d be better off buying that bus ticket. If your belief system is telling you that women are weaker and get hurt more easily, you’re better off staying at home. And if you think that hitchhiking is a great way to meet your next teacher in this life, I’d say sticking out that thumb is completely in order!

This reminds me of our last hitchhiking adventure in Tenerife last year. Me, my friend and Svarun went for a day trip to the other part of the island. We were showing up hitchhiking back pretty late, because Svarun had tantrums the whole day, so naturally the crying and the fussing were slowing us down. We were far up north and it was getting dark, when suddenly this dreadlock pulls over.

“Hi! We’re going to La Caleta,” we said.

“Sure, come on in,” he says.

We get to talking in the car and we were just telling him that we were staying on a beach and did fires everyday, when suddenly he stops: “Wait, which Caleta are you going to?”

“The beach, of course,” we said. He cracks up open and explains that the Caleta we are going to is in the other direction, but there is another Caleta nearby. Naturally he thought we were after the second one. He invites us to his place, where we can spend the night, he ends up cooking us dinner, and the next day he takes us all the way to our Caleta, where we spent the following couple of days camping together. And you may think that his invitation was a no-brainer, but actually I wanted to go on hitchhiking and reach our camp that same day.

I had a boyfriend over there and wanted cuddles, but then my friend said: “You can get cuddles tomorrow. I mean, look at this place, it’s amazing. And I really think this is calling for an adventure.”

I took a deep breath and said: “Yes”. I knew it was the Universe inviting. I accepted its invitation and went with the flow only to be left with feelings of gratitude, being cared for, being nourished, being loved and inspired. My acceptance turned into one of the best memories from last year’s trip.

Imagine we were accepting the things that are coming our way all the time. Well?

 

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This is him. Gabriel, thank you so much! You’re a teddy bear! Besitos a Luana.

 

 

Highs and Lows

Yesterday was Mary Magdalene’s memorial and my desire to spend it in a women’s circle came true. I went to an Indian sweat lodge at a friend’s place. It was held exclusively for women and each and every one of us felt the strong, natural, raw feminine energies that are present when women gather in a circle, sing and share. The feminine energy has a lot to do with the feeling of support that I was talking about yesterday, and it has nothing to do with shame, comparison, or jealousy. The sisterhood means we are all equal in front of The Great Spirit, Wakan Tanka, God and/or Goddess, the Universe, and at the same time every one of us has a special flavour to her essence.  At one point in between our chanting, our fire-keeper (also a woman) went from sitting to lying down on her mat, opened her legs and showed her yoni to the sacred fire in the middle of the circle. Can you imagine how relaxed she must have felt? Being natural is what happens when you shave off of shame.

As this was my first sweat lodge ever, I didn’t know what to expect and I felt a bit of tension. However, everything turned out amazing, though: Svarun visited me and talked to me about our mission, and at a certain point I even had a totally unexpected vision of a totem animal. All of this was possible because of surrender. During the second break, where we delved deep into the relationships with fellow humans, I felt the urge to run outside and lie on the ground, tummy side down. In the moment when the cold, humid grass kissed my hot body, I had this transcendental experience of not being totally in the body anymore, but somewhere in between. It was then when it crossed my mind: “The Indians really knew how to push their bodies to the limit and make them surrender to the experience, so that the soul could have a spiritual experience.” All in all, we had an amazing time.

As we were closing the circle this morning, one of the women said: “I wish I knew how to keep this elevated feeling forever, but it always vanishes after a few days.” I remembered my experiences of flying high and then crashing down low when reality hit in with bills to pay and things to take care of. It’s a contrast. One day you’re all centred, calm, hyped up and blissfully aware of all and everything, and then the next day you’re back in a non-tidy home, back in all of the relationships and back running out of time to do your yoga. Abraham says we should love this contrast, but sometimes it seems like a really hard thing to do, doesn’t it? I mean, who wouldn’t want to be high-flying all the time? The thing is, if we were flying high all the time, it wouldn’t even seem that high anymore. Until there is a contrast, we can’t really grasp how high we actually were. Life doesn’t go straight down the road, it goes in circles so that we are able to: a) appreciate how high we can get, and b) train ourselves how to go back up as quickly as possible. Practicing how to get on a higher vibration gives us power, gives us strength, and it convinces us that we are the captains of our boats.

How do we do it? The best way is to be mindful when something awesome is happening by closing our eyes and becoming aware of everything that we are feeling. A tingling in your nose? Mouth corners up? A beating excitement in your chest? Stardust on your crown chakra?

Consider it all.

Memorize how it feels when you are flying high, and where in your body you feel it.

Practice applying the indicators when you don’t feel on top of the world anymore. The will is the key.

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With my dear sister Nika, who took piano lessons with me in third grade. Our friendship started thus 20 years ago.

Happy Feast Day, Everyone!

Today is the 2nd time we get to celebrate St. Mary Magdalene’s Day since Pope Francis raised her memorial last year. Once considered a prostitute by the Church, she was now proclaimed a saint. There is nothing more terrifying to men in position than an awakened woman, says Dale Allen Hoffman, who has been studying the topic of Biblical mysticism for decades now. I encountered his work a few weeks ago, and I just can’t get enough of the inspiration. He is a “civilian scholar”, mystic and energetic healer, who works with sound a lot. At the beginning of each of his events, he does the arameic (the language that Jesus and Mary Magdalene spoke) toning, because he says that us humans we can feel the sound vibration of words better then understand the meaning of them. Amazing.

I consider Mary Magdalene one of my guardians, which simply means that I keep her energy close to my heart at all times. The sacred feminine is something that I’ve been drawn to embody for the past six years, and I got in touch with Mary Magdalene’s archetype via a dear friend. As a priestess of the Temple of Isis (the ancient Egyptian virgin goddess, whose story suspiciously resembles the story of Mary, mother of Jesus), her biggest quality in my opinion is drawing together women of all colours and sizes, but with the same burning desire within their hearts and their yonis. This desire is to embrace the sacred feminine energy into our bodies, minds and souls and to live it. Mary Magdalene draws together priestesses, and this quality is highly necessary nowadays, because us women need sisterhood. We need it just as men need brotherhood, none is more important than the other. But up to this day, it has been easier for men to “join in circle” (ha, men would never say that) because in most cases women are the keepers of the home and thus … well, stuck home. Women need sisterhood not in order to survive – although this is debatable – but to thrive and grow and expand beyond the imagination of our minds and into the limitless potential of our souls. Because all we are really up to is grow and expand. Grow out of yesterday’s skin and expand through the experience of a new day. Now just imagine what it would be like if you knew that there was a circle of women, a circle of sisters standing behind you and cheering your way every time you faced a challenge?

The world needs women who are stepping out and into the world, to give that precious gift that only they can give to help our planet thrive. Giving is the most natural thing to women because of our innate knowledge that the well of love cannot be emptied. But if this giving is not in balance with receiving, we are left tired and unkept. So what the women who are stepping our need is to receive support and acknowledgement and respect. And if this patriarchal society won’t give it to them, then their sisterhood will. Won’t we?

If there is a women’s circle where you live or nearby, go attend, or have a girl’s night out. I’m just heading out to join women at a sweat lodge, where we’ll have a ritual. I am really looking forward to it, because there are a lot of things that are no longer serving me and I need to let go and give them to Mother Nature, trusting that she will transform them into something that serves all of us. As ever. If there is no such thing taking place, at least go listen to one of Dale’s amazing lectures and tone with him in the ancient language that cannot leave you stoic.

Happy sisterhood day, loves.

Hasta mañana.

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