Ritualčki, moji cukrčki

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Kava; ja, prava kava.

Piškot; prvi v seriji, ker so bile pač te prasadam paličice božansko dobre, to se pravi dovolj dobre za bogove – in boginje.

In tale nasmeh, ki ga je ujela ljubezniva fotografinja Iva.

Ta nasmeh zrcali moje počutje ob vsakem ritualčku, ki si ga namenim. Ta nasmeh zrcali užitek – blagoslovljen, sproščen in srečen trenutek.

Že leta nazaj sem govorila, da bi rada v svojem življenju čutila več svetosti, kot sem jo imenovala. Saj veste, pomenskih, prisotnih, zadovoljnih, čarobnih, svetih trenutkov, ki ustavijo čas in nas v vsem tem vrvežu življenja spomnijo na brezčasje našega pravega jaza. Ampak dokler sem bila prostovoljno ujeta v prepričanju, da moram to storiti, da moram ono narediti, da moram vse opraviti preden si vzamem čas, ki ga je na svetu itak vedno premalo, mi ni uspelo najti tiste svetosti. Čudno? Niti ne.

Tudi če sem se že davno odločila v prid svoji ustvarjalni svobodi, tudi če sem že davno suvereno zavila na svojo pot, sem po njej še vedno stopala na edini tedaj meni znani način: tako, da sem se grebla za denarjem in uspehom in priznanjem. Pehala sem se za nekimi posvojenimi predstavami o tem, kako in kdaj in kje bi nekaj moralo biti. Pa sem mislila, da sem svetlobna leta stran od materialistke. Ampak je že tako, da nas navidezna nedosežnost tistih posvojenih iluzij o tem, kako (in koliko) bi nekaj moralo biti, pahne v obsedeno razmišljanje o pomanjkanju, kaj?

Povejte mi, kaj mi bo svoboda, če so moje misli še vedno ujete? Ujete v majhno škatlico, kjer se biznis dela samo in izključno tako, kot nam patriarhalna družba od nekdaj narekuje, zapoveduje? Takšna svoboda je vredna pol fige v žepu, pa prav nič več.

Vsa ta leta, odkar sem začela ustvarjati al-Iksirjeve dobrote, sem preživela v izključno moški energiji – v energiji delovanja, kjer ni časa za počitek in užitek. To pretirano gledanje na svet skozi oči moškega v meni me je izsušilo, izpilo, opustošilo, medtem ko je ženska v meni ves čas potihem, šepetaje vedela, da je življenje še kaj več kot delovanje.

Ženske znotraj vseh nas vedo, da je življenje še kaj več kot delovanje. 

Si mar vzamemo čas, da jim kdaj pa kdaj prisluhnemo? Mar zaslišimo njihovo šepetanje vsakič, ko se zalotimo, da hitimo – ne hitimo, šprintamo s tisto štafeto v roki od enega opravka do drugega?

Jaz sem svojo dušo, svojo attho, zares zaslišala šele, ko sem se popolnoma izmozgana zgrudila, dvignila belo zastavico in zasopla od nemoči in frustracije; frustracije, ker sem globoko v sebi vedelane samo, da se da živeti bolj lahkotno – od mene kot ženske je pričakovano in meni kot ženski je namenjeno živeti bolj počasi, bolj sproščeno, bolj uživaško. 

Ko sem se na tleh, z belo zastavico v roki, odločila prisluhniti ženski znotraj mene,  mi je zatrdila, da se mi ni potrebno boriti, saj me bo ona krila, in da mi ni treba več brzeti, saj imam bojda na voljo “ves čas na svetu”. In res. Nenadoma sem imela dovolj časa za vse in še za RITUALČKE. Ritualčki, ki bi jih nekoč opisala kot “brezplodni trenutki uživanja”, so moje trenutke posipali ravno s tistimi pisanimi cukrčki, po katerih sem hrepenela zato, da bi se počutila bolj živo, bolj žensko, bolj žlahtno, bolj žmohtno: s pomenskostjo, prisotnostjo, zadovoljnostjo, čarobnostjo.

Včasih je za to potrebno, da samo prižgem svečico medtem ko delam. Spet drugič moja ženska duša, moja attha, želi posebno glasbo in določen ambient, točno tisto, po navdihu izbrano eterično olje in še češnjico na vrhu tega trenutka.

In zakaj sem se sploh odločila obremenjevati se s svečico in glasbo in eteričnimi olji in češnjico na vrhu torte?

Tudi jaz sem se dolgo spraševala, zakaj. Natančneje, spraševala sem se vsa tista leta, ko sem hitela in drvela in si medtem želela več svetosti, več preproste in pristne ČAROVNIJE v svojem življenju. Zakaj? Zato, ker mojo žensko dušo napaja užitek. Užitek je lahko  seveda marsikaj. Je v miru in tišini gledati sončni vzhod in zaplesati na glasbo, ob kateri nam vztrepeta srce. Je na ves glas pripevati melodiji, ki odzvanja iz zvočnikov in negovalen pogovor s prijateljico. Je obešanje perila, ki nam prijetno diši in obredno sežiganje tistega kosa oblačila, ki nas venomer tišči. Je smuk v kup jesenskega listja in horuk na vrh hriba, kjer se nam odpira bajni razgled. Je zavestno samozadovoljevanje na posebej zaspano jutro in je tista tortica iz bližnjega kafiča, ki nas malodane pahne v nezavest. Je meni to, tebi ono. In tu je zato, da ga izkusiva.

Užitek. Ritual. In povezava med njima?

Užitek postane ritual, ko mu namenimo čas. Ko si zavestno izklesamo tiste trenutke zase in za svojo prisotnost, zadovoljstvo, užitek, čarovnijo, pomenskost; ko vlagamo vase, ker se zavedamo, da je vlagati vase dolgoročna, modra in najbolj trajnostna naložba, kar jih lahko naredimo. Me, ki se zavedamo, da smo same odgovorne za vse svoje: svoje življenje, svoje počutje, svoje odnose, svoje sreče in nesreče.

In zato me, ki nam v srcu tli ogenj odgovornosti zase, tudi vemo, da nameniti nekaj trenutkov sebi in svojemu užitku ni luksuz. Ni luksuz, se ob njem lahko precej luksuzno počutimo. Kar dajmo se. Ker ta luksuz je naša pravica. In je naša dolžnost, do same sebe in do sveta, v katerem živimo. Dalaj Lama je nekoč dejal, da bodo svet rešile zahodne ženske. Tega pa ne moremo storiti prazne, izmozgane, bledikave, jetične. To bomo storile polne, prikipevajoče in s tisto s tisto zdravo rdečico, ki nam jo vsaka izkušnja užitka pahne na naša lička.

In ker mojo žensko dušo, mojo attho, napaja užitek, si bom užitek vsakodnevno večkrat pričarala, ne glede na to, kje se nahajam in kakšno življenje živim.

P.S. Morebiti še ena opomba za vse, ki se lotevamo ritualčkov, torej posvečanja časa sebi in svojemu užitku?

Užitek je tak, da se ne konča. Nima točno določenega začetka in konca, veste, on se kar nadaljuje. Užitek ni daljica, je premica, ki se je od nekdaj bila in za vedno bo. Užitek se je začel že zdavnaj in sega v neskončnost, in večkrat, ko si bomo same odredile čas za nas, za našo užitkarsko premico, lažje bomo užitek čutile tudi v vseh trenutkih vmes. Ha! In tako postane vse naše življenje ritual in tako postane vse, kar počnemo, pomensko, pristno, zadovoljivo in čarovno. Sveto, po domače povedano.

You're beautiful!(2)

Več o mojih ritualčkih in užitku lahko zaenkrat izveste v sklopu izobraževanja 44 korakov do izvira fontane obilja, kjer vse udeleženke prejmejo moj enotedenski program Rituali iz ženske esence, juhej! Prijave so še možne.

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Skrb zase

Odkar sem jo odkrila, rada veliko govorim o skrbi zase. Odkar sem poldrugo leto tega, ko je šel moj triinpolletni Svarun prvič v vrtec, ugotovila, da se kot mama samohranilka, ki trmasto, neomajno sledi svojim sanjam, svojemu Delu, samo razdajam in nikoli napolnim, sem začela. Počasi. Začela sem tako, kot sem najbolje znala, z jogo in meditacijo in rednim jemanjem časa zase; včasih je ta bil ta čas celodnevna samota, ko sem jo potrebovala, spet drugič pa zgolj deset sekund prisotnega dihanja, medtem ko mi je Svarun na travniku naročil, naj mižim, da bi mi lahko nabral rožice in me z njimi razveselil.

Mama mi je sicer vedno prigovarjala, naj poskrbim vendar malo zase. In včasih, ko me je videla v brezbrižno raztrganih pajkicah (ki jih v moji omari še zdaj ne primanjkuje), mi je po škorpijonsko zabrusila: »Tako lepa si, ampak zdi se mi, da delaš vse, kar je v tvoji moči, da bi se naredila grdo.« In četudi raztrgane pajkice meni še vedno ne pomenijo nujno, da ne skrbim zase, vem, o čem je govorila. Govorila je že, ampak besede, še tako dobronamerne, nimajo moči, če za njimi lastna izkušnja ne stoji. Svoje mame nisem nikoli videla, da bi predano skrbela zase samo zato, ker bi ji bilo mar. V svojem življenju nisem bila priča temu, da bi moja mama ljubeče, a odločno postavila meje svojim trem hčerkam, in rekla nekaj takega, kot: »Drage moje, veste, da vas imam neskončno rada, ampak zdaj potrebujem čas zase. Zdaj moram najprej sprejeti, da bi vam lahko še naprej dajala.« Razumem jo in sem sočutna do nje, kajti zavedam se, da najbrž tudi sama ni bila tekom svojega odraščanja priča čemu takemu s strani svoje mame, moje energične, garaške bake Mice, ki še dandanes zvesto prazni svojo kupico, brez da bi jo kdaj pridržala k izviru. In tudi njo razumem, kajti v naši s popolnostjo obsedeni družbi, se je od ženske vedno pričakovalo predvsem, da bo popolna žena, mati in gospodinja, tudi če se konec dneva komajda plazi po vseh štirih. Dandanes, ko se pa – nekateri bolj, drugi manj – trudimo, da bi zaobjeli in, kolikor je v naši moči, tudi zaživeli koncept enakopravnosti med spoloma, se od žensk pričakuje, da bodo poleg vloge popolne žene, matere in gospodinje, za nameček nonšalantno sprejele še vlogo tiste, ki prida svoj delež k družinski blagajni.

Ženska esenca, katere bistvo je sprejemanje, je tako v današnjih ženskah (in tudi moških) izvisela. In če ne sprejemamo, ne moramo dajati, vsaj ne zares. Vsaj ne iz srca, nesebično in ljubeče ob slastnem zavedanju, da je naša posoda polna. In če ne dajemo namerno, saj veste, tako, kot da to zares mislimo, zgolj previdno odtegujemo nekaj kapljic tu in tam ob grenkem zavedanju, da se bomo prej ali slej iztrošilo. Ker smo se doslej še vsakič.

Zato drage moje ženske, ki to berete: čas je, da začnemo polniti svoje kupice, redno in radikalno. Seveda, ljudje nasploh se moramo izuriti v polnjenju svojih kupic, vendar ob zavedanju, da smo ženske povečini bolj nagnjene k ugajanju in zadovoljevanju potreb drugih pred svojimi lastnimi, polagam to na srce predvsem nam: ženske moramo skrbeti zase. Kdo drug bo to počel za nas, če ne same? Čas je, da nonšalantno zaobjamemo skrb zase, na katero smo v naši družbi pozabili takoj ko smo razvrednotili, izbrisali boginjo ter tja, v vrhovno vizijo božanskega, namesto čudovitega prepleta dveh enakovrednih polov, ki sta vir vsega življenja, postavila zgolj boga z jajci.

Skrbeti zase pomeni (za vse, razen za mamice novorojenčkov) zadovoljiti naprej svoje potrebe, preden se voljno predamo potrebam ljudem okoli nas. Skrb zase je lahko celodnevni umik v samoto na prvi dan menstruacije, tista obrazna maska, po kateri čutimo, da naša koža hrepeni že ves teden, ali čas, posvečen meditaciji, ko bi v resnici morale početi tisoč in eno stvar.

Nenazadnje je skrb zase lahko tudi slovo, ko je čas za to. In včeraj je bil moj dan za točno to. Za slovo, kot ga še ni bilo. Za čudovito, ljubeče, boleče, nežno, razumevajoče, zavestno, sproščeno slovo od njega, ki ga je tako preprosto imeti rad.

S tem slovesom sem sami sebi izkazala več ljubezni kot s čimerkoli poprej. Ja, tudi če me v tem trenutku ta dopis nenehoma pošilja v krčevit jok, s katerim sem včeraj zamenjala tudi dobršen del svoje noči. Toda ta krč je tiste sorte, ki se pojavi vselej, preden se rodi nekaj novega, prav tako kot popadki, ki intenzivno napovedujejo prihod novega človeškega bitja v ta svet.

Ta krč je tiste sorte, ki rojeva svobodo sprejemanja same sebe.

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Abracadabra

I can feel my period approaching. My body just wants to rest because the lower back is in its monthly pain. My mind wants to lure me into mellow thoughts upon waking up in the middle of the night – furious – due to Svarun’s kicking; I was raging and since this is not my usual response, it is a clear sign of tension building up inside of me. But my soul, however, just wants to feel joyful. Both for no reason, and for a good reason.

Remember how I told you I had lost my wallet about a month ago? Well, today I went on my meadow to do my peace work. The barefoot walk alone woke me up and put a smile on my face, as it always does. I put down my yoga mat and looked at the serenity of the sea, when all of a sudden a thought hit me: “The wallet is in the couch.” You see, the sitting part of my blood red couch can be moved forward and thus offers a storage place within the framework. That’s about the only place I haven’t checked, and that’s exactly where my wallet was hiding from my sometimes splurging self. Joyful, joyful! But that’s not all I wanted to talk about today.

Lately, stuff has been happening. Good stuff, amazing stuff, actually. The Universe has sent me technological angels that help me round up my talents into what I’m here to offer to the world, while they do the “computer paperwork”. The latter used to bore me to tears and sucked out all of my zest for life and mission, so I call it a miracle that I now have two amazing business ladies, helping me out with my weak spot. I can now finally grasp a picture of the coming months, both in terms of my wellbeing and creation. I can now see where I’m going professionally, which from the plateau I had hit a few months ago, seemed highly utopic. Boy, oh boy, do I like this picture!

How did this happen? I set an intention.

I wholeheartedly intended that I wanted more clarity in my life, my business, and my relationships, and – viola – clarity came to me. That’s where these two angels came from: a clear vision of the brightest future that takes into account all of my values and needs (that are thus far known to me). Similarly, last Friday I intended that I shall find my wallet this week, and – violà – the wallet came back to me. It’s as though I had said the words that the so-called magicians performing tricks in front of children always say: “Abracadabra.” And while you may think that this is a nonsense word, let me suggest to you otherwise.

Abracadabra may come from old Arameic, the language that Jesus and Mary Magdalene spoke, where it translates as “I create as I speak” or “I create as the word”. In Hebrew, which belongs to the Canaanite language group alongside Arameic, the word translates as “it came to pass as it was spoken”. It was said to possess healing powers and was used as a magical formula by the Gnostics to invoke the help of beneficial spirits against misfortune.

Surprised? Not anymore, if we know that a word has more substance than a thought. This is the reason why it is advised to write down everything you desire on a piece of paper, instead of just thinking it through in your mind. The mind is airy, but the word is watery – it goes deeper than you may know. And although I may not have inspired you to use “abracadabra” when you are invoking something into your life – make sure you use words that are beneficial, flattering, positive, healing.

What shall I do about my back pain, then?

“Abracadabra, I will feel joyful all day long; and when my mind floats, and when my back pains, I will come back to the joy that I find in my breath, with my eyes closed.”

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Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abracadabra

Further reading: https://mosaicmagazine.com/observation/2015/07/are-the-origins-of-abracadabra-jewish/

A Ten Second Ritual

I remember mentioning up here already that I have acquired a new habit of doing my morning sādhanā outside in the meadows of our Karst prairie. It’s the best decision I’ve taken in a while because it grounds me like nothing else, connects me to everything else and our beloved, loyal Bora blows all the negativity away. There were times when deer and rabbits were jumping not far away from me, and the top of the cliff with the view of the valley underneath, wrapped up by the immenseness of the Adriatic Sea is sure to reinforce the feeling of freedom within.

I started doing my Peace work outside when Svarun was away on holiday with my parents, but noticing how much better I felt if I started the day out in nature, I decided to keep the habit even when Svarun was back. So the weekends, when he doesn’t go to preschool, mean we’re out and about soon upon waking up, taking the breakfast that was prepared the night before, alongside.

But today was one of the days that we went out really late. My dearest spiritual running buddy came over first thing in the morning for the last chat, hug and a cultural culinary experience (as she put it) while visiting her homeland, so we didn’t manage to get outdoorsy until  almost noon (good thing the Bora was so strong today, so we didn’t feel the heat as much). I did my yoga, whereby Svarun used my Downward-Facing Dog as a bridge to go under, but I didn’t get to meditate; not because Svarun likes to use my silence as a profoundly valuable background for his powerful Bella Ciao* chanting, but because it was time for him to go to bed.

When we were leaving, it was very late, so Svarun’s stopping me every few steps didn’t help my keeping up the pace. First he needed to go pee and then he would order me to close my eyes and look away a few times. Although I knew he was doing that to bring me surprise gifts from the nature, I had been feeling a bit stressed out. I mean, I didn’t get to meditate in a few days’ time and all I wanted was some Peace of Mind. But when he told me to close my eyes and look away, a split second happened. Suddenly, I knew that I had a choice! I could either go on fussing around and wondering what time it was or I could take these ten seconds of time to my benefit. Right there and then, I was offered ten seconds of Peace for me. Peace is what I had longed for but my mind was telling me it was aiming at half an hour, as opposed to ten seconds. I chose to shush the mind.

As Svarun walked away, I closed my eyes and noticed my breathing. Immediately I felt Peace. And I felt teased by the sun that was warming up my face that was softening from the crankiness. And I felt my bare feet on the ground and the weight of the bag, the yoga mat and my flip-flops I was carrying. I checked in, and I felt me. I felt happy I accepted the invitation for this ten-second Peace ritual, and even happier when I realized I was given such invitations all the time. Every hour of every day, we are invited to take moments of Peace, just to plug in more often. Do we accept the invitations? Do we even notice them?

When we know that ritual is not something that requires a specific amount of time, but even seconds … we can make no more excuses.

Svarun returned smiling and shouting: “Surpriiiiiiiiiiise!!!”

He was holding a few flowers in his chubby little hand, and a juniper berry in the other. I felt royal and regal, not just because my soul flourished at the sight of the flowers that were picked for me, but because I had taken the moment for my little Ritual, which made life nothing short of Sacred.

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The Need for Rituals

I’m not a creature of habit, and I have never really made friends with routine. If anything, I found it scary because I usually felt so comfortable with change. But one thing is change, and the other is chaos and I was definitely leaning more in the direction of the second.

My best friend once told me: “Your middle name should have been Chaos, you know!” I don’t actually have a middle name, nor do I think Chaos would sit exceptionally well beside Tamara. However, if I take into consideration the meanings of both names (Chaos and Tamara, which in Hebrew means “date”, the fruit of the date palm), I come to think that I might just be here to find the sweet spot within my thunder, the calm within the storm.

*How do I do that? Daily rituals.

I’m not necessarily only talking about the morning routine, but a night one, and maybe a midday one, and before and after meals. What I’m talking about is Sādhanā. The word comes from Sanskrit, where it means “spiritual exertion towards an intended goal”. I have witnessed Hindus make poojas several times per day, each day, but I never really thought about the whys, until recently. It’s to keep the connection with God/ the Universe/ all that is/ Earth/ yourself/ life at arms’ length. It’s just that. No matter what your religion or no religion is, everyone’s “intended goal” is to be happy, right? In other words – peaceful.

There are certainly different paths to happy. In fact, I will go thus far as to claim that there are as many ways as there are people. It’s true. Blessed be our uniqueness, blessed be our equality.

I said Sādhanā was a spiritual practice. What that means is it’s a life practice, because all of life is spiritual, even taking out the trash, washing the dishes, freaking out, crying out loud, having sex. This only goes to prove that your rituals might include a warm cup of tea drank before going to bed, a blog that you read daily right before you start working, the walk that you take over to the grocer’, a stare at a night’s sky, a massage of your breasts at dawn, listening to that song, pulling those oracle cards, looking yourself in the mirror and saying out loud how much you miss yourself, going to pick up wood for fireplace, a green smoothie, a combing of your hair, a dance to the dark goddess. It may be anything and everything. The only thing that’s important is that you recognize it, and cherish it for it’s here to aid you.

It’s not like we lose the connection if we don’t pray/ meditate/ do breathing exercises regularly. The connection is always here because we are a part of all that is and that cannot be undone. However, if we don’t keep our rituals regular, we tend to forget about the connection more easily because there’s less (no) things reminding us of the sacredness of life.

I think that is what brings us peace in the first place: seeing, and feeling, and smelling, and touching, and tasting the sacredness of life and of ourselves.

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Invitation: Let’s Do This Together

I’m not perfect. I’m not. Quite honestly, I’m highly imperfect. You can ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you how my insecurity gets in the way of my strength and will oftentimes. Or how my fears dare me to trust. Or how the hole from a belly button in my navel literally exploded when I was pregnant with Svarun and now looks like … well, as though it had exploded. So yeah, pretty much imperfect.

I’ve been thinking about “perfect” lately. What is perfect anyway? It means separate, actually. I had a boyfriend with a golden heart, a lot of compassion and an awesomely working mind, who could make a wonderful leader one day. But because he considered himself perfect, he was always in conflict and everybody eventually ran away from him. Us humans can’t relate to perfect because being perfect as we know it is not humane. I said “as we know it” because we use the word perfect as an outside evaluation of an internal criteria. Etymologically, the word perfect comes from the Latin word perfectus, which meant “to bring to full development”. What happens when we bring something, including ourselves, to full development? The end. When we are perfect, there is nothing more for us to do or be, and when that happens, there is no aim, no inspiration, and no path for us to walk. Nothing. Perfect is the ultimate end of the road.

And being human is about the road, it really is. Just think: what happens when you get somewhere you were dreaming or you get something you really desired? There is that initial flow of excitement, sure, but after that? You want something else. And the way you are going to get it will outweigh the thing, or place, or a relationship you’re going to get. It always does.

Before I became a mother, I would turn my back and go away whenever I felt restless. I’d go somewhere else and when the initial excitement there burnt off, I was left with myself, again. And then I’d go somewhere else, but nowhere else was fine, because everywhere else would tell me the same old thing: where you really want to go is INSIDE. And at first, I was left terrified at what I may find. But I’m here now. Are you?

Are you ready to dig deeper? The way within is the way to happiness, wholeheartedness, harmony. To love, to expression. And I’m here, inviting you on this journey with me, because we’re all in this together. Haven’t you noticed that the people around you go through many similar things? The fact that we’re all so intrinsically connected so as to bring into fruition the same sort of things at present … both amazes and inspires me. And forces me to stand up and stand out and share my experience of self-discovery. Through my writing, through my songs and music, through my motherhood, through my food and movement. Through all of it and more, but right here – through my writing. Sara, whom I take for my teacher, says: “Whatever I recognize in others, it’s because I own it, too. There are pieces of me in everyone else. When I realize this, I can be free.”

So. Do you wanna grow with me? Right here, ritually, every day?

 And you know what? Let’s ditch the word perfect for true. True is being able to look at the places in us that we’ve tried to hide. I’m talking about really looking, confronting the shadows. And then alchemically transforming them into … light.

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Bathing in the sunLIGHT at the river Dragonja. Photo courtesy of my dear soul sister Anja Orian, who made the wonderful linen skirt I’m wearing. You can check out her masterpieces on https://www.etsy.com/shop/InteriorHandmade?ref=l2-shopheader-name.