Taking Responsibility

The past week has been a roller-coaster.

Do you know the feeling when you know you’re doing the right thing, but everything you keep bumping into are obstacles upon obstacles upon obstacles? I sure do. I sure know how to feel sorry for myself. My mantra used to be: »I knew something was gonna go wrong.« I really liked that mantra. For a long time, it served me, because it saved me from responsibility. I hated responsibility and I never learned how to take responsibility … for my life. What does that even mean?

I liked my mantra, although the statement wasn’t actually true. I didn’t literally know what was going to happen, but I did always happily consider everything that could go wrong before everything that could go right. I was in the state of mind that Sara, my dear teacher, calls »God’s mercy«: when you think about the obstacle and you realize you really don’t want it to happen, but you feel like there’s nothing you can do to prevent it. You feel like somebody else is navigating your boat, while you sit silently under the deck; you’re small, yet you’re safe. And if the going gets rough, it’s not your fault.

I fell into that state a few times this week. I just stopped something and launched something new. I oh-so-know that what I started is the right thing. I can feel it in my body; I feel twinkles of excitement whenever I think about this project, and rushes of excitement when new ideas unfold and upgrade and reveal. It’s so right that it scares me.

So I go on … showing up late, not handling things, manifesting Svarun’s one-night-stand diseases, spilling chamomile tea all over the car, forgetting my laptop, forgetting the essentials, buying the wrong camera that the program doesn’t accept. There were approximately a million things why I could give up. But strangely my insistence seems to override my resistance. There have been a million instances when I could simply say: »The Universe is testing my persistence.« But I know that’s not the case. And another thing I know … I am responsible for my life. I take full responsibility for my life by always being in tune with what I feel. And I know that the obstacles I created are just my inability to accept … abundance. Abundance does not have one face alone. All that happened and nearly made me cry but in the end made me crack up open, is colorful and varied and very abundant. Oh, yeah.

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Happy Feast Day, Everyone!

Today is the 2nd time we get to celebrate St. Mary Magdalene’s Day since Pope Francis raised her memorial last year. Once considered a prostitute by the Church, she was now proclaimed a saint. There is nothing more terrifying to men in position than an awakened woman, says Dale Allen Hoffman, who has been studying the topic of Biblical mysticism for decades now. I encountered his work a few weeks ago, and I just can’t get enough of the inspiration. He is a “civilian scholar”, mystic and energetic healer, who works with sound a lot. At the beginning of each of his events, he does the arameic (the language that Jesus and Mary Magdalene spoke) toning, because he says that us humans we can feel the sound vibration of words better then understand the meaning of them. Amazing.

I consider Mary Magdalene one of my guardians, which simply means that I keep her energy close to my heart at all times. The sacred feminine is something that I’ve been drawn to embody for the past six years, and I got in touch with Mary Magdalene’s archetype via a dear friend. As a priestess of the Temple of Isis (the ancient Egyptian virgin goddess, whose story suspiciously resembles the story of Mary, mother of Jesus), her biggest quality in my opinion is drawing together women of all colours and sizes, but with the same burning desire within their hearts and their yonis. This desire is to embrace the sacred feminine energy into our bodies, minds and souls and to live it. Mary Magdalene draws together priestesses, and this quality is highly necessary nowadays, because us women need sisterhood. We need it just as men need brotherhood, none is more important than the other. But up to this day, it has been easier for men to “join in circle” (ha, men would never say that) because in most cases women are the keepers of the home and thus … well, stuck home. Women need sisterhood not in order to survive – although this is debatable – but to thrive and grow and expand beyond the imagination of our minds and into the limitless potential of our souls. Because all we are really up to is grow and expand. Grow out of yesterday’s skin and expand through the experience of a new day. Now just imagine what it would be like if you knew that there was a circle of women, a circle of sisters standing behind you and cheering your way every time you faced a challenge?

The world needs women who are stepping out and into the world, to give that precious gift that only they can give to help our planet thrive. Giving is the most natural thing to women because of our innate knowledge that the well of love cannot be emptied. But if this giving is not in balance with receiving, we are left tired and unkept. So what the women who are stepping our need is to receive support and acknowledgement and respect. And if this patriarchal society won’t give it to them, then their sisterhood will. Won’t we?

If there is a women’s circle where you live or nearby, go attend, or have a girl’s night out. I’m just heading out to join women at a sweat lodge, where we’ll have a ritual. I am really looking forward to it, because there are a lot of things that are no longer serving me and I need to let go and give them to Mother Nature, trusting that she will transform them into something that serves all of us. As ever. If there is no such thing taking place, at least go listen to one of Dale’s amazing lectures and tone with him in the ancient language that cannot leave you stoic.

Happy sisterhood day, loves.

Hasta mañana.

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Getting Warmed Up

This post usually starts downloading in the morning.

When I come out of my meditation and start to run errands, the inspiration comes flowing down, so I’m taking notes with one hand while making breakfast with the other. The inspiration always comes from the Universe, Source, God or whatever you want to name it, but I can hear it via many different routes: in a talk or an interview that I’m listening on YouTube while working, in a book that falls out of the shelf, in a social encounter, or in a memory. I really like it when downloading takes place throughout the whole morning, because then I really feel like I’m nesting in the energies of the daily topic. And when I nest in a specific topic, that’s when more and more pieces of information come and round up the message. You know, like attracts like.

So today I got the inspiration to talk about how to get going: how to get on a path of personal growth, spiritual development and self-discovery.

  1. Loosen up + Laugh

I used to be so serious because I thought that if I wanted to grow as a person, I needed to be stuck up most of the time. The truth is quite the opposite, actually. All of the people who are of inspiration to me laugh constantly. They laugh at life, at themselves, and they laugh at jokes; brace yourselves – yes, even the nasty and black humour ones. I used to feel so bad when I would laugh at nasty jokes. And while I will not say you need to embrace black humour, I will however encourage you to laugh more, whatever the cause. That doesn’t mean you need to be happy-go-lucky all the time; I am after all a woman, and a Pisces at that, so the amplitude of emotions is my primary navigational system. Just … embrace happy and funny into your day to day life. Like, right here, right now.

There is this joke that I’ve felt guilty to tell or laugh at, although I think it’s witty. And before I tell you about it, I need to explain it because it only works in Slovene. It involves thyme. I’m sure you know thyme, the herb, right? Ok, so there’s this species of wild thyme here in the Mediterranean with tiny pink flowers, that we call materina dušica, which in literal translation means mother’s soul. Me and Svarun were just picking it yesterday, and we need to take another foraging trip very soon because it’s in bloom right now. Now you know, here goes the joke: What do you get if you put a baby into a cup of boiling water? The materina dušica tea. “Ha, and you call yourself a mother,” my mind is telling me and trying to lure me into guilt as we speak. But I know better than to go that way. I’m loosening up and having a laugh, that’s all.

  1. Breathe

I’ve talked about breathing before and I will do more because breathing is always up to date, isn’t it? It’s the very fact of our existence. It is the first indicator of our aliveness. It is also the indicator of whether we are living or not, which is not the same as alive,  because to live means to take full responsibility of our experience. The way we breathe tells the story of our lives. If our breathing is shallow and fast, we are surviving. If we take deep and long breaths, we live our lives. Your breath is your birth right, and besides, a conscious breath is the best tool to bring you into the here and now. If you are aware of your breathing, you are present. If you are present, you live your life from moment to moment. If your breathing is on autopilot, the events of your life pass you by, and before you know it you’re old and alone and wondering:”Where did everybody go?”

I’m not going to tell you to start breathing, because if you’re reading this, the odds-on are that you are already doing it. The question is, are you conscious of your breath? Various disciplines like yoga, meditation, tai chi, chi gong (and many more) really help you focus on the breath, so you might want to undertake one or more. I really like practising vinyasa yoga, a dynamic yoga flow, where your movement follows your breath, and yin yoga, which in my opinion is the most meditative yoga, because you hold postures for up to 5 minutes and in that time, you really need to let go of the mind and just – breathe. If you’re not yet practising, I highly recommend meditation to everyone. It not only clears your mind, but also catapults you to a creative universe, where all of the magic happens and you get to be the boss of your existence. Not for you in this moment in time? In case you don’t want to get into yoga or meditation just yet, at least commit to your breath by regularly taking me-breaks throughout the day. Whenever you catch yourself breathing shallowly, start taking deep relaxing breaths with eyes closed, and check up on yourself by asking yourself: “How do I feel?” Shallow breathing can be the result of big emotions or the autopilot you had turned on. Notice it, thank it. Then imagine inhaling golden rays of positivity and exhaling all of the negativity that has gathered in your body. This visualisation alone will do wonders, I guarantee.

I’ll be talking about this more, and until I do, I wish you all good night.

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A Goodnight Story

I had very intense days lately. There has been a lot going on, a lot of jumping around, and a lot of communicating. While these are all the things that I love, I did feel like my creative juice was missing. I felt like there was nothing I could put out here, both because my mind was too tired to express itself, and because my spirit was too distraught to hear what I should write about tonight. Well, this was true until five minutes ago. As I was telling Svarun a goodnight story, I got a message to share. A reminder, more like. So my dear ones, since telling you to close your eyes and listen to the story would be absurd, rather keep your eyes open and keep on reading.

There once was a mother goat that had two little goats: billy goat named Rudi, who was three and a half, and a baby goat called Alice. One night after dinner, mother goat said to Rudi: “My dearest boy, it’s getting late. Go pee, put your pajamas on and brush your teeth.”

Rudi looked at his mother and nonchalantly said: “No.”

His mother looked at him, and said: “I beg your pardon?” Rudi repeated: “No, I won’t.”

His mother looked at him and said nothing, but took Alice into her arms and started breastfeeding her, while Rudi went to play with his Lego’s.

After a few minutes, mother goat said again: “Rudi, it’s time you went to bed. Go pee, put on your pajamas, brush your teeth and go to bed.”

Rudi didn’t even look at his mother, but said: “No.”

His mother looked at him, and said: “I beg your pardon?” Rudi told her again: “No, I won’t.”

His mother looked at him and said nothing, but continued to breastfeed his little sister. At some point, Rudi asked his mother: “Mommy, can you give me some water?”

Rudi’s mother said: “No, I can’t.” Rudi didn’t like her answer, so he got a bit angry. He stood up fiery and started marching towards the kitchen, when he stepped on a Lego. Now, anybody who ever stepped on a Lego knows it’s no fun. But Rudi’s anger made his step a bit too heavy and the accident much more painful. Rudi shrieked, crashed down on the floor and started crying over his accident.

He said: “Mommy, come help me. I’m hurting.” But his mother said: “No, I won’t.”

Rudi cried: “Why won’t you help me? Don’t you love me?” His mother replied: “My dear Rudi. Why didn’t you do the things I asked you to? Don’t you love me?” Rudi said nothing.

His mother kneeled to him and in the most compassionate way said: “My dear, don’t you know that everything I tell you to do is for your own good? If you did what I told you, the accident wouldn’t even happen, because you would be lying in bed by now, where there are no Lego’s to step on. What I’m here for is to protect you and what you are here for is to learn to trust me.”

I went on to tell the story until the final hug and kiss, but I’m stopping here now. I feel that in a lot of ways, we are all like billy goat Rudi, while the Universe is the mother goat. All of us are constantly given gentle guidance from the Universe in form of feelings, the sequences of angelic numbers, the songs we hear on the radio, our “mistakes”. The answers are given before we ask, but do we listen? Are we willing to receive and trust?

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Having to Decide? 

There is this subject in my life upon which I constantly feel the need to decide. Am I willing to put up with this or not? How will my life unfold if I walk away? There is this something that’s still keeping me from doing what I know I should and I don’t know what it is. Correction: my soul knows, but my mind is not ready to accept it. Which leaves me between a rock and a hard place. Indecisive. And every time I do take a decision and make it official, a new test is on the rise, checking up on me and having a good laugh: “Are you sure this time around?”

Whenever we are trying to decide upon something, we become stiff. All of the flexibility, which is the primal characteristic of our soul, vanishes and makes it impossible for us to dance and move and be. What to do instead? Let go.

Our soul is expansive beyond our imagination. It is constantly seeking new experiences, because those help our soul to realize itself in new ways. When we try hard to decide upon something, what we are really doing is caging our soul. Svarun is the perfect example of this; for one, he is a child and on top of that a libra, which probably makes his mind weigh things a bit further. What I noticed is very profound. Whenever I give him two or more options, he becomes frustrated, restless and willing to pick a fight. This is no wonder, since his soul wants all of it, but the mind is trying to convince him he only needs one of the two. Bollocks.

When our mind is not in alignment with our soul it is because the latter wants expression, while the first just wants control, at least most of the time. So in order to “decide”, let’s stop deciding right now. This very moment let us give our souls the experience of all of it by giving our minds the experience of nothing. No thing, no think, no thinking. Ha! When the soul is given the chance to experience everything within arm’s reach, it is sure to guide us, saying “this is me” when it finds fascination, and “this isn’t me” when it doesn’t.

Inspiration is the main food for our soul. When our soul experiences something fascinating, inspiring, exhilarating or exciting, you will know you’ve make the right decision. And the right decision is always the same: expand. Getting to know more makes it possible for us to be more.

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