On Being Real

If you have been following me at all up here, you know I’m taking this three-month course called Abundance Group, where we aim at developing our talents and gifts into abundance. It’s amazing. And it’s challenging to see that our acquired sense of self is often the jailer for all that we could be. That’s what I want to talk about today.

What I’ve come to notice is that I didn’t have any problems stating who I was. This is the question I’ve been dealing with fort he past decade:“Who am I, really?” And I’ve come to definitions and I’ve come to conclusions and I’ve come to internalize a set of beliefs about me that I hold dear to my heart and that make me feel right. For example, ever since I came to know the hippie movement from the late 1960’s in my early teens, I just knew: “Mom, I’m a hippie.” What got me about the hippies was their FREEDOM, but what made me stay was the prison that kept my mind believing: “It’s alright if I’m penniless, at least I’m free.” Excuse me, mind, but having a child and being penniless is no fun. Even the freedom, which was the reason that I signed up in the first place, turns to anxiety and rage when my son needs winter boots and I am in no way capable of buying a pair. I wasn’t, but luckily I always had family and friends who were. 

And then I started asking myself whether this was really who I was supposed to be? “Honestly, I’m here to be broke?”, I asked myself and paused.

The voice of the wise answered for me: “Well, if you’re buying this, I’m certainly not.” It was time to acquire a new sense of self. This sense of self made me describe myself as I did a few days ago.

I’m a woman and a mother who is aiming at balance of body, mind and soul. I am a researcher of life whose job is to find pleasure in every little step on the way. I am here to tell the truth about the way and I am here to be REAL.

Seeing the world that is fake and the people who fake in order to please or reach some sort of standards,  lights the fire on my way, because I’m here to question: “Whose standards?”. If you know the answer to this, right you are; if not, go deep inside and look for them for the answers always await until you come inside. We are our own standards and once we’ve caught a glimpse of ourselves, of our true light in being … that light is loyal enough to never let us go. Whatever we sense, or see, or feel, or hear, or touch inside – it’s all good. And if your mind can’t categorize that as good yet, know that that exact thing is a call for love; your love.

We are here to do pure magic, get it?

We are pure magic! From head to toe.

But in order to let the magic shine through, we must love and accept ourselves first. We have to come to terms with all of our pieces because none are better then others. None! Sure, we have come to accept the light and the dark, the up and the down, the left and the right, and yes, even the right and the wrong. But we have only come to know these because we live in a dualistic reality, where it’s easier to understand our different pieces as contrasts. There is no harm in that – as long as we also keep in mind that all of these contrasts can only apply to our particular viewpoints (that are unavoidably the products of our upbringing, education and experiences).

Try not to label your contrasts as right or wrong. If you do that, you will show the world only the pieces in you that you think are right and hide the rest. And that’s fake. And not only is it not REAL, but it will make the unloved, unappreciated pieces of you either sink in and hold a grudge – or (if you’re anything like me) rebel.

All of our pieces are right, because they are ours and because they are real and thus make us REAL. And if they’re showing you a part of yourself that you don’t like or try to ignore or deprive of love or starve to death … they are here because of that alone: to point the finger.

Today bathe the parts that you don’t accept in yourself with love. And let them be.

They make you REAL.

23627228_10155597563147819_222033367_o

Buttons

Svarun has the ability to press all of my premenstrual self’s buttons. If anyone, he has a gift of finding those hidden ones that catapult me into a wretch. One such button that really opens up my head is obeying. Or rather, disobeying, his tendency to do the exact opposite of what I tell him to. Of course I can thus conceptually understand that what I should do is tell him to do the opposite of what I want him to do and make a joke out of it, but it’s like this non-behaving thing puts my roof on fire. I know I should invite more easiness into this situation, but it still has me in its claws. I don’t believe in punishment as a way to cease the unwanted behaviour. I don’t believe there is anything about Svarun that is to be fixed; he’s perfect as he is and a perfect mirror of what he sees most. Me.

I mean, how can I expect my child to do what I tell him to if he’s never seen me do anything anyone else told or even advised me? How can I expect him to trust me if he’s spent his life watching me “fight” my parents for what I believe in? How could he even know how to obey without struggle if the only thing he’s ever seen is me opposing the supposed authority?

I don’t believe in fixing the child. I believe in fixing me and fixating me upon peace in relationships.

IMG_20160101_083006.jpg

Rollercoaster, anyone?

How many times were we as girls, maidens, and women told we were being too sensitive? If you are anything like me, it was way too many times to count. On the other hand, how many times were they told they were being rude, violent, brazen?

Kindness is the highest form of wisdom, they say. I agree with them. When we don’t consciously work on being kind to our fellow humans, we often create a space of void in between us. We create separateness and pain. Sure, I am conceptually fully aware that nobody can really hurt me. I am aware that when I’m in my peace, nobody and nothing can bring me down. I take full responsibility for my peace, I do. But what if I still got hurt?

It usually went something like this: He would tell me something I didn’t want to hear in a manner I wasn’t prepared to receive. I would close my heart, change my mind, and start playing the break-up game of minding my own business, ditching our future plans, and start focusing on my things alone. The closing of the heart would cool me down completely, and I would get by with snapping, rudeness and indifference. Eventually, he’d get my point and I’d tell him I didn’t want to be with him anymore … until I’d start missing him. I know for a fact that we both love each other immensely, but I also know that the languages we speak could sometimes not be more foreign.

“You’re hot and you’re cold, you’re yes and you’re no,” says one Katy Perry song that used to be quite popular. It got into my ear today because it sums up perfectly the way I relationships used to portray an emotional rollercoaster for me. While rollercoaster might sound fun to you, this really wasn’t. Plus I lost a ton of energy by first heating things up, then suddenly freezing them down, and spinning round and round. Seeing this energy waste for what it was really rang my bell today, and made me say: “I’m not going there today. I don’t need the drama.”

I didn’t roll on a rollercoaster today. Because how I roll as of today is by hugging and kissing myself, telling me that nobody is here to hurt me, that the Universe has my back, and that these are the lessons I need to learn.

Upon today’s lesson, he calls me and says: “I’m sorry I was cranky earlier.”

“I’m sorry I took the advantage of things and let them hurt me. Hmm. No, wait, that’s not right … Hmmm, wait, I got this …”

“You’re sorry you helped the conversation go that way?”

“That’s it.”

Peace. No energy loss. Big heart gain.

bovc.jpg

 

Indecisiveness

“What happened to you?” he asks me, munching on his dinner, while I’m holding the computer in my hands and letting myself be receptive to today’s story.

“What do you mean?” I ask, totally knowing what he meant.

“What happened so that you can finally be relaxed?”

“I don’t know yet. I haven’t gotten to the end of tonight’s story.” It so happens that I often realize things after I’ve written them down right here on this blog.

I have this ongoing story with somebody. He is a man and I love him. I never doubted that. What I do doubt, though, is the ability of the two of us to make a life together. Being with him always feels like I’m stealing sweet moments from my real life; the life of money and work and bills to pay. The part of life I haven’t been willing to observe in detail yet, but I really feel I ought to now. And because I have had the abovementioned fear (and many others), I have been indecisive with him. It’s a severe degree of indecisiveness that borders on bipolarity. I love you – I love you not – I want to be with you – I want to be with you not. Except from my personal experience of a fundamental deep-seated restlessness, I didn’t know what this must feel like from a perspective outside of me. I wondered and the answer was given. Ask, and you shall be given, right?

Remember when I said parenting is the spiritual practice for the bold? My son has once again shown me the mirror. I knew I could count on him.

The day we left home, I gave him a choice of either staying at home with my father or going with me to our dearest Soča river valley, where we’ve had our second home for the past year and a half. I was O.K. with both outcomes, so I thought making a decision might be a good practice for a weighing libra. This turned out to be a bad idea in terms of practice, but a good one for me to see what indecisiveness looks like in action. Whoa! Svarun couldn’t decide. Not only could he not decide, he would make up his mind ten times in a minute then break up, change and repeat. This went on for more than half an hour, including me already taking him over to my parents’ and saying goodbye for a dozen times. Every time we’d said goodbye and I sat in the car, he would stop me to climb in, and when I’d try to help him put on the seat belt, he would start climbing back down, telling me he has changed his mind. I was looking at him, but could only see myself in him. And every time I thought must be the last time to bounce, he would bounce again and again. The bouncing was unstoppable.

Such is therefore our indecisiveness, when we are unstoppably bouncing from fear to love, and back?

We are here to recognize that each and every little thing we do holds sponsorship from either love or fear. Once we conceptually know this, the rest of the world seems easy peasy. Is easy peasy. If we know where we stand, and we know that everything we create we in fact cocreate with the Universe, we can take care of our part, right?

So, yeah … indecisiveness. It’s time to fear the fears and surrender them to love. Mmmm, took any decisions lately? The one decision I have made so far is to ask myself every single time before undertaking any kind of task or emotional endeavour:

Am I acting out of love, or out of fear?

I ask and the answer is given.

soča2

Afraid of Being Bored?

The past few days at a festival were busy, diverse, and lively. As I was going, I could barely keep up with the pace and the heat. But retrospectively, at the end of each day, I felt relaxed, nurtured and full. The happening made me realize how much I’d missed diversity … so I drank it all up these past few days. In fact, I downed it – bottoms up! And it felt good because it made me feel truly alive. The abundance of impressions, change, and fluidity settle for a day fully lived.

But when the routine kicks in, I find myself barely differing a Monday from a Saturday. Although my days tend to still be diverse with a three-year-old on batteries, I slow down. I start to let go and I stop to expect phenomenal things to happen. Quite the contrary from those adrenalin-filled days … when I, not a keen night driver, find myself determined and excited to go on a festival that same night, set up the tent when I get there at 11:30 pm, and go catch the last concert afterwards. I am way more likely to remember these days than those, when my life revolves around cooking and bedtime stories.

And, filling my days to the brim with people, tasks, recipes to try out, new things to show to Svarun, and places to go,  I ask myself … am I worried of being bored?

I had a boyfriend who was afraid of getting bored in the bedroom department, so he kept coming up with proposals of threesomes, foursomes, fools and horses. Clearly, I’m joking about the last, but it’s true about the rest. I never tried to understand his inclinations, but I knew that what he really needed not to get bored was the gentleness of a Goddess to lead him by the hand and into the land of Sacred Sexuality, where every breath is different from the other and where the key is not in diversity, but in surrendering to the moment. I didn’t know how to be that Goddess at that point, but I’m getting there now. I feel the Goddess’ pull into the Sacred Realms of Awareness especially in moments such as the below, where I get to exercise my own surrendering to the moment. That is only possible by cultivating your presence.

Today it hit me that I want more adrenalin-filled free-flowing days of music and dance. I want to dance. And when it hit me that I want more things “exciting enough to be worth remembering”, life lovingly showed me the other side of the equation.

Me and Svarun were driving in the car, and we had some dates in a jar in the back seat of the car from the festival. Svarun took and munched on the dates, and gave one to me.

Then he says: “Can you give me two hazelnuts, please? Then I can put them in the dates and eat the nom-nom goodies.”

That’s something we frequently do: we take a nut of choice and put it inside a date for a healthy, happy and nutritious dessert, or dip the date inside a nut butter for an occasional revelation. He inspired me to put a hazelnut inside my half-eaten date as well. I could easily munch down the concoction without paying much attention, but the Goddess made me look at my dessert and notice … I was eating an acorn. The golden brown date hat sat upon a sandy hazelnut and looked too cute to eat. I was driving my car, looking at the acorn, and my heart was smiling. I was being there and then. I surrendered to the moment, enjoying it to the brim because I recognized the value in it. It may have only looked like a car ride and dates, but it much more to offer: presence, surrender, beauty.

What if every moment of the day has so much to offer if we surrender to it?

I thought to myself: “Won’t you look at this. We’re eating acorns in the middle of the afternoon, having a laugh with my boy. Life is good.” The feeling of contentment flushed my body, followed by the feeling of gratitude – to that very moment and to life that helped me realize my Here and Now are what is worth living for, to myself for being able to notice the goodness of life, and to Svarun for slowing down my pace constantly so I can just … BE.

Later I thought how many different thoughts could have entered my awareness as I was eating my dessert, thoughts like “Why am I eating at this point, anyway?” or “I’m not hungry anyway, but I do have a sweet tooth” or ”What else do I have to do after Svarun falls asleep tonight?”. But the call for more Sacredness in my life, which I call The Goddess, brought me by the hand to an everyday moment of staring at a made-up acorn and surrendering to the moment. Being present. Seeing the gift that the moment brought.

The call for more Sacredness in my life brought me to the tools of Those Who Create Life.

DSC_1641.JPG