Abracadabra

I can feel my period approaching. My body just wants to rest because the lower back is in its monthly pain. My mind wants to lure me into mellow thoughts upon waking up in the middle of the night – furious – due to Svarun’s kicking; I was raging and since this is not my usual response, it is a clear sign of tension building up inside of me. But my soul, however, just wants to feel joyful. Both for no reason, and for a good reason.

Remember how I told you I had lost my wallet about a month ago? Well, today I went on my meadow to do my peace work. The barefoot walk alone woke me up and put a smile on my face, as it always does. I put down my yoga mat and looked at the serenity of the sea, when all of a sudden a thought hit me: “The wallet is in the couch.” You see, the sitting part of my blood red couch can be moved forward and thus offers a storage place within the framework. That’s about the only place I haven’t checked, and that’s exactly where my wallet was hiding from my sometimes splurging self. Joyful, joyful! But that’s not all I wanted to talk about today.

Lately, stuff has been happening. Good stuff, amazing stuff, actually. The Universe has sent me technological angels that help me round up my talents into what I’m here to offer to the world, while they do the “computer paperwork”. The latter used to bore me to tears and sucked out all of my zest for life and mission, so I call it a miracle that I now have two amazing business ladies, helping me out with my weak spot. I can now finally grasp a picture of the coming months, both in terms of my wellbeing and creation. I can now see where I’m going professionally, which from the plateau I had hit a few months ago, seemed highly utopic. Boy, oh boy, do I like this picture!

How did this happen? I set an intention.

I wholeheartedly intended that I wanted more clarity in my life, my business, and my relationships, and – viola – clarity came to me. That’s where these two angels came from: a clear vision of the brightest future that takes into account all of my values and needs (that are thus far known to me). Similarly, last Friday I intended that I shall find my wallet this week, and – violà – the wallet came back to me. It’s as though I had said the words that the so-called magicians performing tricks in front of children always say: “Abracadabra.” And while you may think that this is a nonsense word, let me suggest to you otherwise.

Abracadabra may come from old Arameic, the language that Jesus and Mary Magdalene spoke, where it translates as “I create as I speak” or “I create as the word”. In Hebrew, which belongs to the Canaanite language group alongside Arameic, the word translates as “it came to pass as it was spoken”. It was said to possess healing powers and was used as a magical formula by the Gnostics to invoke the help of beneficial spirits against misfortune.

Surprised? Not anymore, if we know that a word has more substance than a thought. This is the reason why it is advised to write down everything you desire on a piece of paper, instead of just thinking it through in your mind. The mind is airy, but the word is watery – it goes deeper than you may know. And although I may not have inspired you to use “abracadabra” when you are invoking something into your life – make sure you use words that are beneficial, flattering, positive, healing.

What shall I do about my back pain, then?

“Abracadabra, I will feel joyful all day long; and when my mind floats, and when my back pains, I will come back to the joy that I find in my breath, with my eyes closed.”

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Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abracadabra

Further reading: https://mosaicmagazine.com/observation/2015/07/are-the-origins-of-abracadabra-jewish/

Transformation

I’m in the dark, in the wintertime. Not just this month’s winter, but the winter of my Abundance. I hit a rough patch there.

On the one hand, I’ve got my mother telling me that if she were me, she would go and clean toilets to offer her child more things. She is still the one to think that kids, just like many adults, need things to fill the emotional void inside and thus be happy. The things will set him free? She is still the one to think that only a real job offers the safety net that chasing after my dreams of being a writer and a singer never will. That’s right! Chasing after my dreams will never get me into a place of financial security. I must be the one to set the tempo of manifestation and my dreams will follow, not vice versa. However, being a mother and still following my soul’s desire seems outrageous and irresponsible. There we have it, example number 1 (of what, you’ll soon learn).

On the other hand, we’ve got a typical visit of our farmer’s market/ health food store/ local shop. My wallet may be pretty much empty, but I’ve always had this feeling that abundance is right around the corner for me. Honestly. I can feel it. I can definitely believe it. I just don’t know how to get from A to B, you see. “A little less conversation, a little more action,” may be a good advice. I can feel the abundance that’s waiting for me to take a step forward; it’s funny, unexplainable, and it’s leaving me perplexed when I go to the store, calculating and browsing for change in the holes of my pockets. And regardless of the impending abundance, I think to myself: “This ain’t no life, this ain’t no living.” There we have it, example number 2 … of my worthiness issues.

I’ve heard it said that money is the compensation for the value that you give out to the world. But if you don’t mind I’ll complete this statement by saying that the value that we are talking about always comes from the first person singular, the doer. For how could anything valuable come from a person who doesn’t value himself? Money is therefore the reflection of our self-worth. Huh?

Um, let’s delve even deeper. And deeper. Into the dark.

The dark is very welcoming. It makes us calm down, become present and take another perspective on our lives. It makes it possible for us to trace our moons and stars and all the other things and people and situations that shine and make our lives brighter. Can you recognize yours? By contrasting the light, the dark also helps us see what exactly doesn’t qualify in our lives anymore. And then it also gives space for transformation to occur, the alchemy, which is the natural ability of our cyclical nature.

I feel that I’m in the transformation from the Maiden to the Mother archetype. Sure, I’ve been an actual mother for the past three and a half years, but up until now I didn’t exactly know my place in our family of two. I was in between minds. I was either both, the mother and the father, or just hanging around, waiting for someone to come and partner me and father my son. But now I’m ready to take responsibility, for the Universe is kicking me to leave behind the girlish insecurity and rise as a woman.

The Maiden is so insecure and therefore afraid to commit to anything by fear of being marked as just someone who’s making these delicious energy bars for you. “I’m not just your f*** cook,” her surly temper’s got the best of her. This skin is becoming too tight. I think I’ll move on … to the Mother, who knows what she is and none of her descriptions of herself involve the demeaning words, such as “only” or “just”. She knows she’s got it all. She owns it. And she doesn’t give a flying f*** as to what others may think of her. She knows what she’s here to do and she goes and does it, because the world needs her loving presence. And the world needs her natural feeling of abundance, that she radiates forward.

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Light and Dark

Life is a balance of light and dark. Everyone gets to choose how much of each he’s willing to put up with … until he or she realizes that what we call dark is really just a cry for more light.

I have always been into experimenting with the darkness. I was drawn to people with a certain shadow quality that I wanted to … experience. I fell in love with boys and men with addictive patterns of damaging themselves because I wanted to … observe it. And I was delving deep into my insecurities, fears, anger. Although I was very intrigued by the darkness, I never feared it. It thought that darkness was just a good place to hide, and so I wanted to lift the veil for everyone, including me, to come out – shamelessly, painlessly, fearlessly. I learned the hard way that I couldn’t lift the veil for others; it’s not mine to lift. That was then. That was me as a Maiden.

Now, as a woman, I came to know that darkness is not just a good place to hide, it’s also a good place to rest, to restore, to meditate, to dream, and to be. It’s a good place. As we speak I’m sinking into my menstrual mode, the time of truth. The time to face my darkness and my light; to face what tools I’ve got in my hands to work with. Menstruation is the time of barren winter fields, the time of Death. I’m lifting the veil of that, which the rest of the month doesn’t get to see.

I said that darkness was just a cry for more light. We are the ones to shine that light. Darkness is a place where your fears reside, but when you shine your light of truth upon them, they disappear. The same way as a dark room is no longer dark when you turn on the light.

That is what happens during our menstruation. We delve deep into the underworld to nest the fears and once ready, we shine the light of understanding, of experience, of knowing upon them and they become transformed. It’s called alchemy and it’s what’s calling me to face it.

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