I am Awake

I’m awake on the eve of 19th of October, just as I was awake exactly four years ago. Back then, I had just been awakened by labor contractions, fortelling my son was about to come earthside. I went to bed really late because I went on a late night walk to watch the starts, selected the music that would sway our forcoming birth, took a long hot bath and a cup of cocoa afterwards. I went to bed peaceful. After about half an hour of so-called sleep, I woke up in the midst of what I would only later realize was a full blown contraction. In a haze I recalled waking up with contractions many times that night, so I decided it was no use to pursue lying in bed. I sat on the ball and started circling with my hips, being as present as I could, every time I would sense the familiar rushes at the bottom of my henna-tattoo-ed belly.

I could swear I felt the exact same contraction in my womb just as I thought about those rushes four years ago. Sure, it’s the first day of my period, but now again I have found myself to be birthing something into this world yet again; I’m baking a cake for my son’s kindergarten birthday celebration. It’s the second one I’m making because the first one turned out watery enough to be called – a pudding.

Now, I really don’t like late nights. They get me every time, honestly. It was late when I started, but when I realized the pudding thingy was not going to cut it, I almost felt the need to cry. Wait, I wholly truly did. And the need to feel sorry for myself kept creeping in: »Oh, man. It’s the first day of my period, the time when I should be resting, and I’m not even going to get a good night’s sleep and tomorrow I’m going to be out and about the whole day and why do I always do this to myself on my period, it’s always the same …«

But then I realized what I was doing. I stood up. I thought about my son. I thought about how much I wanted him to have a surprise cake for his birthday. So I looked up, and prayed. I prayed to the goddess to give me the strenght to pull this off. And I sat down in my car, started it and drove to my parent’s house a few miles away to pick up the eggs that I need to make the cake (try one was a vegan experiment that failed).

I came back, bursting with energy and commitment. And I noticed it. And I thanked it. And I meant it. And I trusted her when she said I had made the right decision. And I trust her when she says that this is only the start of the best day ever.

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Hey, guys, I’m in …

… France.

We arrived last Tuesday to do some seasonal work of grape-picking in Champagne. As soon as I learned about the possibility of it this year, I knew this was something I wanted to pursue. I heard a lot of warnings about it being a really hard work and I didn’t want to be away from Svarun for two weeks, but if I listened closely, I could hear my soul clearly, telling me that this was the experience she wanted. This would be a unique opportunity to earn good money in a short while, to spend some more than 24 hours’ worth quality-time with my boyfriend alone; this is something we haven’t done in eighteen months of knowing each other. And it would be a good time to recalibrate myself within the relationships I have with the people I love the most: my son, my boyfriend, my parents, my friends and my sisters. The Universe agreed, so we took off on Monday night.

Thus far I can’t tell you what the work is like and – maybe even more important – what the payment amounts to, because we start the work tomorrow. But I can tell you about

Being in an intimate relationship that works for me is hardest thing ever. I am certain I have come here to learn how to make it work, while being me, and being happy and whole all the way through. They say that the ego is the price for true love and I have come to think that it might be true, because being here with my loved one is boiling my stubborn self onto the surface big time. My stubborn self tells me I’m the captain of my boat, and I am eternally grateful for being able to hear the echo of these words on the inside. She mostly acts as my cheerleader, who gives me the faith in myself that I need if I want to do things that matter. Sometimes, though, she will make me believe that I should always come up with my own solutions, even though others’ ideas may serve me better. You see, my stubborn self considers taking an advice to be a failure, because it’s not mine enough. My stubborn self is doing everything to protect me from getting hurt she’ll even say things like:

You’ve come this far to get a glimpse of who you are that I’m afraid you might forget what being you is all about if you follow the path of least resistance.”

Come to think about it, that does not serve, but imprisons me into thinking that I should always do it on my own. And “on my own” sometimes feels like a very lonely place. Basically, it is just like saying: “I’ve travelled 1200 kilometers to get a glimpse of what a vreiment croissant beurre (the real deal butter croissant) tastes like that I’m afraid I might forget the taste when I get home. So whenever I want a butter croissant, I should travel 1200 kilometers because purchasing it at a local French bakery doesn’t cut it.” What?!

Aren’t we here to learn to distinguish what works and what doesn’t? Aren’t we here to learn to recognize the path of least resistance and follow the signs onward?

Doing my own thing, even when I recognize is not working, is not the path of least resistance, while dissolving the attachment to “mine” is. While I still believe all of the answers are dug deep inside of us, I have come to accept that I’m not less of myself when I follow an advice. I’m not less of myself if I can admit I’m wrong, or I’m being mean, or I’m being insulting; I’m on the way to more. And expansion is what my soul loves to do.

The path of least resistance is the one we can follow only if we’re done believing what we’ve been told; that live is a struggle, that we ought to fight to do it right, that most of our energy should be used to make a living … not a life.

Life, anyone?

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Abracadabra

I can feel my period approaching. My body just wants to rest because the lower back is in its monthly pain. My mind wants to lure me into mellow thoughts upon waking up in the middle of the night – furious – due to Svarun’s kicking; I was raging and since this is not my usual response, it is a clear sign of tension building up inside of me. But my soul, however, just wants to feel joyful. Both for no reason, and for a good reason.

Remember how I told you I had lost my wallet about a month ago? Well, today I went on my meadow to do my peace work. The barefoot walk alone woke me up and put a smile on my face, as it always does. I put down my yoga mat and looked at the serenity of the sea, when all of a sudden a thought hit me: “The wallet is in the couch.” You see, the sitting part of my blood red couch can be moved forward and thus offers a storage place within the framework. That’s about the only place I haven’t checked, and that’s exactly where my wallet was hiding from my sometimes splurging self. Joyful, joyful! But that’s not all I wanted to talk about today.

Lately, stuff has been happening. Good stuff, amazing stuff, actually. The Universe has sent me technological angels that help me round up my talents into what I’m here to offer to the world, while they do the “computer paperwork”. The latter used to bore me to tears and sucked out all of my zest for life and mission, so I call it a miracle that I now have two amazing business ladies, helping me out with my weak spot. I can now finally grasp a picture of the coming months, both in terms of my wellbeing and creation. I can now see where I’m going professionally, which from the plateau I had hit a few months ago, seemed highly utopic. Boy, oh boy, do I like this picture!

How did this happen? I set an intention.

I wholeheartedly intended that I wanted more clarity in my life, my business, and my relationships, and – viola – clarity came to me. That’s where these two angels came from: a clear vision of the brightest future that takes into account all of my values and needs (that are thus far known to me). Similarly, last Friday I intended that I shall find my wallet this week, and – violà – the wallet came back to me. It’s as though I had said the words that the so-called magicians performing tricks in front of children always say: “Abracadabra.” And while you may think that this is a nonsense word, let me suggest to you otherwise.

Abracadabra may come from old Arameic, the language that Jesus and Mary Magdalene spoke, where it translates as “I create as I speak” or “I create as the word”. In Hebrew, which belongs to the Canaanite language group alongside Arameic, the word translates as “it came to pass as it was spoken”. It was said to possess healing powers and was used as a magical formula by the Gnostics to invoke the help of beneficial spirits against misfortune.

Surprised? Not anymore, if we know that a word has more substance than a thought. This is the reason why it is advised to write down everything you desire on a piece of paper, instead of just thinking it through in your mind. The mind is airy, but the word is watery – it goes deeper than you may know. And although I may not have inspired you to use “abracadabra” when you are invoking something into your life – make sure you use words that are beneficial, flattering, positive, healing.

What shall I do about my back pain, then?

“Abracadabra, I will feel joyful all day long; and when my mind floats, and when my back pains, I will come back to the joy that I find in my breath, with my eyes closed.”

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Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abracadabra

Further reading: https://mosaicmagazine.com/observation/2015/07/are-the-origins-of-abracadabra-jewish/

The Need for Rituals

I’m not a creature of habit, and I have never really made friends with routine. If anything, I found it scary because I usually felt so comfortable with change. But one thing is change, and the other is chaos and I was definitely leaning more in the direction of the second.

My best friend once told me: “Your middle name should have been Chaos, you know!” I don’t actually have a middle name, nor do I think Chaos would sit exceptionally well beside Tamara. However, if I take into consideration the meanings of both names (Chaos and Tamara, which in Hebrew means “date”, the fruit of the date palm), I come to think that I might just be here to find the sweet spot within my thunder, the calm within the storm.

*How do I do that? Daily rituals.

I’m not necessarily only talking about the morning routine, but a night one, and maybe a midday one, and before and after meals. What I’m talking about is Sādhanā. The word comes from Sanskrit, where it means “spiritual exertion towards an intended goal”. I have witnessed Hindus make poojas several times per day, each day, but I never really thought about the whys, until recently. It’s to keep the connection with God/ the Universe/ all that is/ Earth/ yourself/ life at arms’ length. It’s just that. No matter what your religion or no religion is, everyone’s “intended goal” is to be happy, right? In other words – peaceful.

There are certainly different paths to happy. In fact, I will go thus far as to claim that there are as many ways as there are people. It’s true. Blessed be our uniqueness, blessed be our equality.

I said Sādhanā was a spiritual practice. What that means is it’s a life practice, because all of life is spiritual, even taking out the trash, washing the dishes, freaking out, crying out loud, having sex. This only goes to prove that your rituals might include a warm cup of tea drank before going to bed, a blog that you read daily right before you start working, the walk that you take over to the grocer’, a stare at a night’s sky, a massage of your breasts at dawn, listening to that song, pulling those oracle cards, looking yourself in the mirror and saying out loud how much you miss yourself, going to pick up wood for fireplace, a green smoothie, a combing of your hair, a dance to the dark goddess. It may be anything and everything. The only thing that’s important is that you recognize it, and cherish it for it’s here to aid you.

It’s not like we lose the connection if we don’t pray/ meditate/ do breathing exercises regularly. The connection is always here because we are a part of all that is and that cannot be undone. However, if we don’t keep our rituals regular, we tend to forget about the connection more easily because there’s less (no) things reminding us of the sacredness of life.

I think that is what brings us peace in the first place: seeing, and feeling, and smelling, and touching, and tasting the sacredness of life and of ourselves.

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Indecisiveness

“What happened to you?” he asks me, munching on his dinner, while I’m holding the computer in my hands and letting myself be receptive to today’s story.

“What do you mean?” I ask, totally knowing what he meant.

“What happened so that you can finally be relaxed?”

“I don’t know yet. I haven’t gotten to the end of tonight’s story.” It so happens that I often realize things after I’ve written them down right here on this blog.

I have this ongoing story with somebody. He is a man and I love him. I never doubted that. What I do doubt, though, is the ability of the two of us to make a life together. Being with him always feels like I’m stealing sweet moments from my real life; the life of money and work and bills to pay. The part of life I haven’t been willing to observe in detail yet, but I really feel I ought to now. And because I have had the abovementioned fear (and many others), I have been indecisive with him. It’s a severe degree of indecisiveness that borders on bipolarity. I love you – I love you not – I want to be with you – I want to be with you not. Except from my personal experience of a fundamental deep-seated restlessness, I didn’t know what this must feel like from a perspective outside of me. I wondered and the answer was given. Ask, and you shall be given, right?

Remember when I said parenting is the spiritual practice for the bold? My son has once again shown me the mirror. I knew I could count on him.

The day we left home, I gave him a choice of either staying at home with my father or going with me to our dearest Soča river valley, where we’ve had our second home for the past year and a half. I was O.K. with both outcomes, so I thought making a decision might be a good practice for a weighing libra. This turned out to be a bad idea in terms of practice, but a good one for me to see what indecisiveness looks like in action. Whoa! Svarun couldn’t decide. Not only could he not decide, he would make up his mind ten times in a minute then break up, change and repeat. This went on for more than half an hour, including me already taking him over to my parents’ and saying goodbye for a dozen times. Every time we’d said goodbye and I sat in the car, he would stop me to climb in, and when I’d try to help him put on the seat belt, he would start climbing back down, telling me he has changed his mind. I was looking at him, but could only see myself in him. And every time I thought must be the last time to bounce, he would bounce again and again. The bouncing was unstoppable.

Such is therefore our indecisiveness, when we are unstoppably bouncing from fear to love, and back?

We are here to recognize that each and every little thing we do holds sponsorship from either love or fear. Once we conceptually know this, the rest of the world seems easy peasy. Is easy peasy. If we know where we stand, and we know that everything we create we in fact cocreate with the Universe, we can take care of our part, right?

So, yeah … indecisiveness. It’s time to fear the fears and surrender them to love. Mmmm, took any decisions lately? The one decision I have made so far is to ask myself every single time before undertaking any kind of task or emotional endeavour:

Am I acting out of love, or out of fear?

I ask and the answer is given.

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What a Day

I. Can’t. Write.

 

My feelings are feeling me.

How do I know? I’m out of control.

My thoughts are thinking me.

How do I know? I want control.

 

I knew it couldn’t have been long

until I burst into the song

of who’s right and who’s wrong.

 

Do I let myself cherish the good

or do I keep coming up with new things that could trigger a flood?

The flood of feelings that I always felt

and always knew I would.

 

Do I still play according to “no pain, no game”?

Well, that’s a shame.

Haven’t I learned anything this year?

But wait, there’s a feeling here …

If I put my hands over my womb,

I hear it whispered softly

… that my peace resides there where my pain hides.

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Afraid of Being Bored?

The past few days at a festival were busy, diverse, and lively. As I was going, I could barely keep up with the pace and the heat. But retrospectively, at the end of each day, I felt relaxed, nurtured and full. The happening made me realize how much I’d missed diversity … so I drank it all up these past few days. In fact, I downed it – bottoms up! And it felt good because it made me feel truly alive. The abundance of impressions, change, and fluidity settle for a day fully lived.

But when the routine kicks in, I find myself barely differing a Monday from a Saturday. Although my days tend to still be diverse with a three-year-old on batteries, I slow down. I start to let go and I stop to expect phenomenal things to happen. Quite the contrary from those adrenalin-filled days … when I, not a keen night driver, find myself determined and excited to go on a festival that same night, set up the tent when I get there at 11:30 pm, and go catch the last concert afterwards. I am way more likely to remember these days than those, when my life revolves around cooking and bedtime stories.

And, filling my days to the brim with people, tasks, recipes to try out, new things to show to Svarun, and places to go,  I ask myself … am I worried of being bored?

I had a boyfriend who was afraid of getting bored in the bedroom department, so he kept coming up with proposals of threesomes, foursomes, fools and horses. Clearly, I’m joking about the last, but it’s true about the rest. I never tried to understand his inclinations, but I knew that what he really needed not to get bored was the gentleness of a Goddess to lead him by the hand and into the land of Sacred Sexuality, where every breath is different from the other and where the key is not in diversity, but in surrendering to the moment. I didn’t know how to be that Goddess at that point, but I’m getting there now. I feel the Goddess’ pull into the Sacred Realms of Awareness especially in moments such as the below, where I get to exercise my own surrendering to the moment. That is only possible by cultivating your presence.

Today it hit me that I want more adrenalin-filled free-flowing days of music and dance. I want to dance. And when it hit me that I want more things “exciting enough to be worth remembering”, life lovingly showed me the other side of the equation.

Me and Svarun were driving in the car, and we had some dates in a jar in the back seat of the car from the festival. Svarun took and munched on the dates, and gave one to me.

Then he says: “Can you give me two hazelnuts, please? Then I can put them in the dates and eat the nom-nom goodies.”

That’s something we frequently do: we take a nut of choice and put it inside a date for a healthy, happy and nutritious dessert, or dip the date inside a nut butter for an occasional revelation. He inspired me to put a hazelnut inside my half-eaten date as well. I could easily munch down the concoction without paying much attention, but the Goddess made me look at my dessert and notice … I was eating an acorn. The golden brown date hat sat upon a sandy hazelnut and looked too cute to eat. I was driving my car, looking at the acorn, and my heart was smiling. I was being there and then. I surrendered to the moment, enjoying it to the brim because I recognized the value in it. It may have only looked like a car ride and dates, but it much more to offer: presence, surrender, beauty.

What if every moment of the day has so much to offer if we surrender to it?

I thought to myself: “Won’t you look at this. We’re eating acorns in the middle of the afternoon, having a laugh with my boy. Life is good.” The feeling of contentment flushed my body, followed by the feeling of gratitude – to that very moment and to life that helped me realize my Here and Now are what is worth living for, to myself for being able to notice the goodness of life, and to Svarun for slowing down my pace constantly so I can just … BE.

Later I thought how many different thoughts could have entered my awareness as I was eating my dessert, thoughts like “Why am I eating at this point, anyway?” or “I’m not hungry anyway, but I do have a sweet tooth” or ”What else do I have to do after Svarun falls asleep tonight?”. But the call for more Sacredness in my life, which I call The Goddess, brought me by the hand to an everyday moment of staring at a made-up acorn and surrendering to the moment. Being present. Seeing the gift that the moment brought.

The call for more Sacredness in my life brought me to the tools of Those Who Create Life.

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