Sadness

Two days ago I woke up feeling sad. I had had a very busy menstrual week that led to an exhausting weekend, and Monday when I didn’t take care of my spiritual needs but rather cleaned the after-party house. I got up, snuggled with Svarun, and went to the bathroom, where I found Her in the mirror.

»What are you doing here?« I asked Her. She didn’t say anything but I knew that she’s here for a reason. Sadness never came without one.

I tried to waltz her out: »Listen, I think you got it wrong. I’m having a great time, you see. And for the first time in history, I can feel that my life is going in the right direction. I can smell it and sense it and nearly touch it. And I can feel it’s good. It’s real good. So you can just leave because I’m doing alright. Besides,  I don’t have time to lay around and cry all day. I mean, why should I if I know everything is fine and I’m just a little tired, that’s all?«

»It’s not me who got it wrong. You did,« said She.

This made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to hang out with Sadness, I had huge plans for myself that day. So I started again, a little less patient, a little less calm: »Please leave, I’m busy.«

Svarun crawled into the bathroom to pee. We were late, really late, so I told him to hurry up and dress himself: »Nona will be here any minute now and it’s not fair to leave her waiting.«

My mum picks Svarun up every morning and takes him to his daycare because she works a few hundred meters away.

»I won’t be bothering you. I’ll just sit down and wait until you’re not busy anymore, ok?« she said, swinging herself on my red sofa and making herself very comfortable.

My mom came, and because we weren’t ready, I told her – barely sucking it up – that I will take Svarun to kindergarten.

»Look, I’m not going to be not busy anytime soon, so maybe we can agree to meet some other time. I have to take Svarun to kindergarten now and then I have a bunch of things to do because I’m going to be late anyway, this ride is going to take me at least an hour and …«

»I’ll go with you,« she reasoned and sneaked into the car.

I cried. And cried. And cried. And as I escorted Svarun to his daycare, I cried some more.

I cried for the past few years, when I related more with DOING than with BEING. I cried for that. I cried for all of us who got caught up in this patriarchal wound. When did doing become more important than being? When did our achievements become more important than how loving we are towards each other?

The more I cried, the better I felt. Me and Sadness were both very quiet, and yet we knew exactly what the other meant.

She was saying: »You’ve been ignoring me.«

I was saying, »I don’t want to be Sad.«

She was saying: »You’re making me feel like I’m bad or something.«

I was saying: »Well, you make me feel bad.«

She was saying: »That’s yours to deal with, not mine.«

I was saying »What do you mean? I’m not supposed to feel sad if I’m conscious of my path.«

She said: »Whoever told you that, hasn’t got it all figured out.«

I stopped my thoughts. I stopped crying. She was right. Whoever told us Sadness was bad? Whoever told us to stop being sad, because we should have thought before about it, when our favourite toy broke? Whoever told us that we’re not supposed to think about sad things because then sad things will happen?

Well, only Everybody.

And now it’s enough.

Feel your Sadness, she’s here to guide you somewhere.

Accept your Sadness, because she’s a part of your equation.

Rethink your relationship to your Sadness, because she’s not the bad that you need to steer clear of. She part of the story, your story. And it’s a real story, where positive and the negative live together in harmony. She is not here to lure you down into depression; she’s here to remind you of all the reasons that you have to feel good. She’s here with you all the time, to help you be the best you you can be at this point in time. She is you and you are her.  

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Abracadabra

I can feel my period approaching. My body just wants to rest because the lower back is in its monthly pain. My mind wants to lure me into mellow thoughts upon waking up in the middle of the night – furious – due to Svarun’s kicking; I was raging and since this is not my usual response, it is a clear sign of tension building up inside of me. But my soul, however, just wants to feel joyful. Both for no reason, and for a good reason.

Remember how I told you I had lost my wallet about a month ago? Well, today I went on my meadow to do my peace work. The barefoot walk alone woke me up and put a smile on my face, as it always does. I put down my yoga mat and looked at the serenity of the sea, when all of a sudden a thought hit me: “The wallet is in the couch.” You see, the sitting part of my blood red couch can be moved forward and thus offers a storage place within the framework. That’s about the only place I haven’t checked, and that’s exactly where my wallet was hiding from my sometimes splurging self. Joyful, joyful! But that’s not all I wanted to talk about today.

Lately, stuff has been happening. Good stuff, amazing stuff, actually. The Universe has sent me technological angels that help me round up my talents into what I’m here to offer to the world, while they do the “computer paperwork”. The latter used to bore me to tears and sucked out all of my zest for life and mission, so I call it a miracle that I now have two amazing business ladies, helping me out with my weak spot. I can now finally grasp a picture of the coming months, both in terms of my wellbeing and creation. I can now see where I’m going professionally, which from the plateau I had hit a few months ago, seemed highly utopic. Boy, oh boy, do I like this picture!

How did this happen? I set an intention.

I wholeheartedly intended that I wanted more clarity in my life, my business, and my relationships, and – viola – clarity came to me. That’s where these two angels came from: a clear vision of the brightest future that takes into account all of my values and needs (that are thus far known to me). Similarly, last Friday I intended that I shall find my wallet this week, and – violà – the wallet came back to me. It’s as though I had said the words that the so-called magicians performing tricks in front of children always say: “Abracadabra.” And while you may think that this is a nonsense word, let me suggest to you otherwise.

Abracadabra may come from old Arameic, the language that Jesus and Mary Magdalene spoke, where it translates as “I create as I speak” or “I create as the word”. In Hebrew, which belongs to the Canaanite language group alongside Arameic, the word translates as “it came to pass as it was spoken”. It was said to possess healing powers and was used as a magical formula by the Gnostics to invoke the help of beneficial spirits against misfortune.

Surprised? Not anymore, if we know that a word has more substance than a thought. This is the reason why it is advised to write down everything you desire on a piece of paper, instead of just thinking it through in your mind. The mind is airy, but the word is watery – it goes deeper than you may know. And although I may not have inspired you to use “abracadabra” when you are invoking something into your life – make sure you use words that are beneficial, flattering, positive, healing.

What shall I do about my back pain, then?

“Abracadabra, I will feel joyful all day long; and when my mind floats, and when my back pains, I will come back to the joy that I find in my breath, with my eyes closed.”

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Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abracadabra

Further reading: https://mosaicmagazine.com/observation/2015/07/are-the-origins-of-abracadabra-jewish/

Forgetting to Breathe?

We all find ourselves in situations that feel uneasy, right?

Sometimes it’s because our unconscious mind takes the lead, without us taking any part. Other times we consciously create them, but ignore the alarm that turns on when we plan. I often do that. I have this fear of being bored or something (that definitely needs further investigation), plus I take no conscious notice of time, so I rather keep myself on a tight schedule than no schedule at all. I did this today, too.

A friend of mine invited us to go for a dip in our lovely river Glinščica, just below the old railway tracks Trieste (Italy) – Rijeka (Croatia). A dip in the river in the middle of summer sounded wonderful, and so did hanging out with new friends who were on the same wave-length, so naturally I said yes. The walk down the canyon was supposed to take half an hour, but actually took us at least an hour with Svarun’s pace. We had a wonderful time, but when we got back, we felt exhausted. Nothing wrong with that, though. Except I had to go to Ljubljana to pick a friend of mine and Svarun’s grandmother who were both visiting us, spend the night here, and go researching the Dragonja river valley here in Istria tomorrow. Right now I feel drenched. But as I said: I love being busy and there is nothing wrong with that. Except – am I capable of not being busy?

When we got to our place, Svarun was hitting the roof. He often does that when grandparents are involved, because they have no authority over him. It was in the midst of his jumping around on my birthing ball that I had this moment of peace; I realized I took no notice of me today. What that means is I forgot to breathe. Breathing is what connects us with ourselves, as well as to our time and space. Breathing is what keeps us grounded. When we are not aware of our breath, we aren’t aware of ourselves. When we aren’t aware of ourselves, life lives us. When we are aware of our breath and thus ourselves, we live our lives.

So what I did was let Svarun go for an ice-cream with his grandmother, which I decided would do less damage than a freaked-out mother. I took a quartz crystal, which is a great cleansing stone, and my dearest obsidian that a friend of mine found in the wilderness of Tenerife; the latter grounds and reminds me like no other. I had no measure of peace this morning (my yoga and meditation practices), so I took one now. I sat in stillness and listened to the life around me until I could hear the wild birds chirping in my mind. When that happens, I know I’m good. I’m back. And I was: breathing and being. And it was enough.

Speaking of which, let me tell you about this amazing experience that I had yesterday night. I tried hope for the first time. Hope is a ground mixture of tobacco and herbs that the Amazon Indians forage, and is used to clean your nose, sinuses, and third eye. I was up for it instantly, because I’m very much tripping on the third-eye-anything at the moment. When I inhaled the dust into my sinuses, one nostril at a time, tears came flushing down my cheeks and so did booger. But after the first reaction, my breathing pathways cleared and I started feeling a lot of heat congesting in the middle of my brain, in the pineal gland. I started feeling utterly present. The presence was penetrating my being, as though I was having a breathing orgasm. I was breathing and living, that’s it. And it was enough. When we gathered around the fire, my friend was asking me whether I’d sing something, because he knows I love singing. I looked at him peacefully and said: “Maybe later. Now I’m just enjoying my breathing like I never have before.” A breathing orgasm. Go get yourself some.

 

What I Call Magic

Today I felt the need to write about touch. It’s something I really, truly love and at the same time something I’m rather new to. What do I mean by that and I managed to conceive a child if I’m new to touch? Well, let me tell you.

I’m new to touch in a way that I feel comfortable receiving and giving it. Before I was only used to touch as a matter of foreplay, necessarily leading to intercourse. But then I started hanging out more with people who are touchy-feely and I started noticing how I cringe every time someone touches me beyond the “hello” and “goodbye” hugs, you know? As somebody touched me when I didn’t expect it, the alarm in my mind went on, keeping me on hold: “What do they want from us?” It’s when I repeatedly noticed the alarm popping up at the exact same moments, I started thinking. And then I started observing, and feeling.

I’ve got this friend who is like a brother to me. We met some ten years ago in college in order to do music together. We did some and then we didn’t for a long time and when the time is due, we’re going to pull our socks up. So naturally, over the years we became very close. And as he is a very touchy-feely kind of guy, he hugged me a lot. At first I felt awkward and then I got used to it and then I stopped thinking about it completely. Until recently. One day last month he came over and as I was still working on my computer, he simply stepped behind me and massaged my neck and shoulders. It felt fantastic and even if I wanted to I could not feel in any way threatened by his touch. I just realized one major thing: he was massaging me because he loved me. And I could feel that the cause of my begotten massage was his appreciation for all that I meant to him. He didn’t want anything from me. He just wanted to crystallize his appreciation of our relationship into physicality.

This incident even manifested in the calendar that I’m working on with a friend, which helps women live more fully. The thought, if I translate it from Slovene, went something like:

“Do you know the touch of gratitude for all that you are worth? Or are you solely used to the touch that triggers intercourse? The palpable power of a touch is here to worship the BEAUTY of your soul that craves the feeling of closeness.”

By the way, did you know that the children, who are touched and hugged more, tend to do better later on in life in the earthly sphere? This is something that one of my teachers, dearest Sara, talked about in her daily video this morning and I felt so glad I hugged and kissed Svarun about a million times this morning before he went to kindergarten. Money, work, self-worth, joie the vivre all belong into the earthly sphere and if we take a closer look, all of these things represent the core for our perception of this time-space reality. Crazy, isn’t it?

So go … hug your kids and parents, and hug your friends. You can even hug neighbors and strangers if you’re of the brave sort. Just a reminder, maybe. I read somewhere that a hug should last for at least 30 seconds. It takes the nervous system that time to fully incorporate the experience before the healing can begin. Because when we come together into embrace, we can heal one another and if you’re really still, you can just feel the neurons jumping and throwing a party in the energy field around your hugging bodies.

That’s what I call magic.

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Always Look for the Gift

Some loves go strong, others go long. And there are those who go long and strong, I’m sure.

This one went strong. Our ride was wild, but we drove the final mile today. I can feel there is a lot of things that want my attention, coming up right now. And I have a choice. Observing my overflowing emotional body, I can either sink in or turn my back. I can either do the work now, or leave it for later, but the work must be done. Intimate relationships really require some sort of work on our part, if we don’t want the same old ride every time around.

I decide to sink in. If I left the emotional work for later, it would be much like leaving the dishes for tomorrow, when everything sticks and stinks and there is not a time when I don’t wish I had done that before. I go deep, I feel my feels, cry my cries and scream the words that should have been spoken earlier; the words that I let sit and wait gained my attention and power with each passing day. If I expressed the words before, they would come out as clear as a peaceful lake, emanating the sovereignty of its depths. But because I let them sit, they gained the momentum of attention and are now ready to burst out like the craziest lava from a pissed off volcano. If you let your feelings rest unexpressed, it seems that their easy waters will turn to the destructiveness of fire.

Still, there is this place in me where he resides. It’s his home. But since I’m still the boss of me, I get to choose who gets to stay. The thing is, he’s not renting his home in me. Oh, no. I invited him to be with me, as close as our physical bodies will let our souls come close. And now that there is no more we as in him and me, will I just kick him out?

The greater part of me still wants to be nice and respectful, and really – why shouldn’t I be? But the mind is restless, it just wants things to be over. Now. Asap. Basta, ya. I could evacuate him. I could do that with all my might, and chances are that I might be successful. But using the power that he himself helped me gain against him, feels like betrayal. Fighting his existence until he’s gone would leave scars on me and him. Besides, what I would be left with is a big giant hole the size of his soul. Do I really want that? What’s the other way?

I know! What I will do is let him be until he is good to go.

Every day, I will go down there and say hello. I will wish him a good day, leave him there and go on to live my life. I will not uproot him and try to fill the void. I will heal us both with my loving recognition of his presence. Until the day that he is gone. The winds will come and take him away. The only thing that’s here to stay is a giant gift box with a bow still on. It’s what he came in. My gift.

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Magnesium Menstrual Smoothie

Yesterday was quite a day. I was expecting my period. It usually comes the moment I wake up in the morning, but yesterday was different in that regard. I did my yoga, meditation, started photo shooting this very smoothie, finished, started writing, had a meeting, went on writing and managed to visit my son’s kindergarten teacher. I rescheduled the meeting from today to yesterday, because I knew that if the red moon didn’t come yesterday, it would come today. And on the first day of my period, I want to be able to do whatever the heck I want.

 

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I knew I was going to get my period, because I experienced the famous drop in body temperature, according to Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) that I’ve been practising quite consistently now (well done, me). Do you know it? FAM helps you determine your fertile days by monitoring three bodily factors daily: your body temperature, vaginal secretion, and the position and softness of your cervix. Basically, FAM is natural birth control, but really it’s much more than that. It’s a way of getting closer to your body and your cycles. Something I wish I had known before, at least prior to popping the birth control pills a decade ago, and feeling oh-so-grown-up as I did it. Of course, every other girl was doing it, and when I got my first white and orange box (that would afterward challenge gigantic emotional turmoil), I finally felt like part of the clan; I somehow felt initiated into womanhood, if you will.

Funny, isn’t it? Funny and absurd, that I felt grown-up as I was numbing and deceiving my body, when in fact true wisdom comes from knowing and cherishing your body.

But how could I know? Nobody told me. In fact, how could anyone know if women of the last few centuries had to forget about the power of their cycles, if they were to survive, and not be burnt at the stake?

I’m not going into much detail about the inquisition today because frankly, I’m still not quite over it; I get goose bumps and tears flood down my cheeks uncontrollably every time I even think about it. But I will tell you this: every month this very thing reminds me of the great power us women possess. Shakti!

Why the frequency, you might ask yourself? Oh, just because of my Holy Menstrual Trinity. Whenever I have my moon cycles, all I want are three things. The first one is chocolatey-something for breakfast. The second one is endless scriptures, books, talks and interviews on the topic of feminine power and spirituality. The third one is me-time to do whatever the heck I will. If I thick all of the above boxes, I’m a happy woman.

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I asked my mother to babysit Svarun yesterday, so I could reschedule and see his teacher. What she told me was: “My goodness, why are you telling everyone about your period as it were an illness, for God’s sake!” And I thought to myself: “Is it wrong to schedule my days around my cycles? It’s not that I’m crying for attention or want everyone to pat me on the back. I’m not being “poor me”. I just … want to be true to my body. That is, after thirty years of neglect.” But then I remembered. I was eleven when I got my first period. My mother looked at me pitifully and said: “You poor thing, you.” Poor thing?  For becoming a woman? Now this makes me want to choke, you see. This has to do with Christianity, that’s been deeply rooted in Slovenian belief systems of what our social roles should look like. Women here are expected to take care of everyone except themselves; to give it all and ask for nothing in return. Their happiness is granted by seeing others with full bellies. While I do feel happy when I see Svarun happy, that’s not the only thing that makes me happy! That is to say, although I do feel happy when I give, accepting makes me happy, too. And for a lot of us women, the latter is something that’s not being practised enough.

Did you know that the greatest feminine virtue is that of acceptance? Can you accept … the air into your lungs, the money into your wallet, the painful memories into your story, your man into the whole of your being? Can you accept that you’re different every week, as part of being a woman? Can you accept that on the first day of menstruation, you don’t want to see or hear anyone/ don’t feel like cooking/ working/ being all patient and giving? Can you accept that your family still wants you to play small? Can you accept … all that you are?

If you’re still struggling with any of the above, I’m pretty sure you can accept this smoothie recipe without much thought.

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Mind your Magnesium

 It is said that magnesium deficiency is the commonest of all deficiencies, but virtually nobody talks about it, because it’s a new thing. And blood tests don’t show it because only 1% of magnesium is stored in your blood, while the rest lies in your bones. The catch is that magnesium dietary sources don’t grant it anymore, because the majority of it is lost in the refinement process. Magnesium content in vegetables has declined for up to 80% since 1950’s because of industrial farming, and grain refining processes remove up to 95% of total magnesium. What can you do about it? Your best bet is to grow your own vegetable garden, if you can; dark leafy greens are one of the easiest crops to grow and they are loaded with magnesium. If you don’t have access to a piece of land, at least boycott industrial farming by purchasing organic crops only. Since pesticides destroy organisms that provide nutrients to plants and fertilizers diminish the absorption of minerals, organic fruit and vegetables are way more likely to contain more magnesium.

I noticed a huge shift from very painful to slightly uncomfortable periods once I started minding my magnesium intake around menstruation. As you may know, magnesium is vital in nerve function, blood sugar control, and neurotransmitter release. It also relaxes the muscles and thus prevents cramps, which is good to know if you have painful menstruations. My speculation is that if I were mindful about my magnesium intake all through the month, the moon cycle discomfort would totally be gone. I’m about to try this, just for the experiment’s sake. I don’t expect my back pain, the heaviness in the legs, and general tiredness a week ahead will subside, and frankly – I don’t mind. Why? Because what I want the most is to know my body. I want to it so profoundly, so that I am able to aid my discomforts in ways of finding the right yoga poses, the right mindset, or enough rest. Know what I mean?

A few days ahead of menstruation I thus up my magnesium intake. I consume a lot of dark leafy greens, pumpkin seeds, cashews, cacao nibs, and use magnesium oil (that I highly recommend). I might experience a craving for chocolate, and it’s not a coincidence, since one square of organic dark chocolate contains approximately 95mg of magnesium, which is 24% of RDA. Other foods that include high values of magnesium are: bananas, avocados, almonds, figs, black beans, goat cheese, dates, yogurt, etc. But two months ago upon seeing this list of magnesium-rich foods, I took as many as I could and blend them into a delicious, chocolatey breakfast smoothie that I’m sharing today. It’s the best thing you can do for you, and the prescribed quantities will amount to two big bowls for you to enjoy.

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Magnesium Menstrual Smoothie

1 banana
½ avocado
fistful of dark leafy greens (I use the chard from my own garden, yay, 
but you can use spinach, kale or other)
fistful of soaked (or soaked + dehydrated) almonds, around 35g
fistful of Medjool or soaked regular dates, around 80g
3 tbsp of organic (possibly fair-trade) cacao, around 45g
pinch of salt
pinch of cinnamon
pinch of pepper
a squeeze of lemon juice (very important!)

Pit the dates, peel the banana, pit the avocado. Use only ripe fruit. 
Put everything into blender. Blend. Enjoy and accept the luxury of it. 
You know you can.

 

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I wish you all big love and acceptance,

Tamara