Rollercoaster, anyone?

How many times were we as girls, maidens, and women told we were being too sensitive? If you are anything like me, it was way too many times to count. On the other hand, how many times were they told they were being rude, violent, brazen?

Kindness is the highest form of wisdom, they say. I agree with them. When we don’t consciously work on being kind to our fellow humans, we often create a space of void in between us. We create separateness and pain. Sure, I am conceptually fully aware that nobody can really hurt me. I am aware that when I’m in my peace, nobody and nothing can bring me down. I take full responsibility for my peace, I do. But what if I still got hurt?

It usually went something like this: He would tell me something I didn’t want to hear in a manner I wasn’t prepared to receive. I would close my heart, change my mind, and start playing the break-up game of minding my own business, ditching our future plans, and start focusing on my things alone. The closing of the heart would cool me down completely, and I would get by with snapping, rudeness and indifference. Eventually, he’d get my point and I’d tell him I didn’t want to be with him anymore … until I’d start missing him. I know for a fact that we both love each other immensely, but I also know that the languages we speak could sometimes not be more foreign.

“You’re hot and you’re cold, you’re yes and you’re no,” says one Katy Perry song that used to be quite popular. It got into my ear today because it sums up perfectly the way I relationships used to portray an emotional rollercoaster for me. While rollercoaster might sound fun to you, this really wasn’t. Plus I lost a ton of energy by first heating things up, then suddenly freezing them down, and spinning round and round. Seeing this energy waste for what it was really rang my bell today, and made me say: “I’m not going there today. I don’t need the drama.”

I didn’t roll on a rollercoaster today. Because how I roll as of today is by hugging and kissing myself, telling me that nobody is here to hurt me, that the Universe has my back, and that these are the lessons I need to learn.

Upon today’s lesson, he calls me and says: “I’m sorry I was cranky earlier.”

“I’m sorry I took the advantage of things and let them hurt me. Hmm. No, wait, that’s not right … Hmmm, wait, I got this …”

“You’re sorry you helped the conversation go that way?”

“That’s it.”

Peace. No energy loss. Big heart gain.

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A Sense of Worthiness

When was the last time you asked yourself a couple of questions:

*What do I consider worthy?

*What is my worth?

I got to thinking about worth because I’m digging deep into my perception of abundance, and the two appear to be inherently linked, so let’s see.

I was talking to my grandmother the other day, when she suddenly asked me a question: “How worthy am I if your sister didn’t even come and say hi when she went away for her holiday?” My sister lives next door from her, so my grandmother expected her to come and greet before she set off.  She didn’t come, my grandmother felt hurt. Of course you’re not allowed to say out loud that you’re feeling hurt, because that would imply you’re vulnerable, which is totally unacceptable, so she asked me the above question to camouflage it. I told her that she was feeling hurt because she expected Jana to come and say hi and that Jana didn’t have anything to do with her worth; or rather, her sense of worthiness. That is something we decide for ourselves. You get to choose your worth by everything you do or say, every moment of every day.

She didn’t follow my lead. She couldn’t grasp the concept I was trying to feed her: “Me determining my own worth?! Bollocks.” I can understand that. She has after all been taught throughout her whole life that one’s worth is estimated by others given their attitude. External verification of one’s light is a domain that the patriarchal society and church have bestowed upon us.

In an attempt to change the subject, my grandmother went on to say she should have really cut her fingernails, but ran out of time because she prioritized doing everything else for everybody else instead. I exclaimed, eppur-si-muove-dly: “See, this is it! That’s the reason Jana never came to say goodbye! She doesn’t know your worth because you never affirmed it yourself.” Not only did she not affirm her worth, my grandma demeans it on every occasion. Whenever she invites us for lunch, she starts of my belittling herself and her work with: “oh, it’s not salty enough”, or “it’s too watery” and “this is only good to flush your bowels”. One can’t feel worthy when one says that. It’s just not possible. And when we thank her for the meal before leacing, she never says: “You’re welcome”. By that she would acknowledge her service and affirm her worth. Instead she always says: “Thank you? For that poverty?”

It breaks my heart to witness the suffocated feminine. But it’s us, it’s our generation who must change that; on behalf of our mothers, grandmothers and all of the generations of women who came before us. Only after we determine that we are the most important person in our lives, we start feeling worthy. And when we live out of that kind of worthy, others can see it and respect it, cherish it, monitor it, copy it. When we feel worthy, people around us can feel it, too, and therefore give us all the respect we want and need. But it is ourselves who must initiate it!

*What’s my worth?

To answer that, we need to get naked, both physically and spiritually, and ask ourselves: WHAT AM I …

… without my job

… without my flat

… without my family and friends

… without my money

… without my kids

… without the expressions of self, be it writing, singing, dance, macramé, yoga, ceramics, clothes or whatever way you find to bring the essence of self into something you can see and hold in your hands?

Worthiness is a big topic. It’s huge, actually. We’re not nearly done yet, for the more I am willing to open up and unveil the parts of me I didn’t know existed, the more vulnerable I feel. The more vulnerable I feel, the readier I become to shed off the shades. The more shades I disarm myself of, the stronger I stand in what’s remained.

And that is my worth, today.

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