Renewal

This moon’s cycle is all about Renewal. Renewal of Trust.

Yesterday I spiralled down to the place where I felt hopeless. Is everything I used to believe a lie? Is this the kind of world where I want to raise my son? I went to bed with my mouth full of bitter ash and I had a hard time sleeping with all these pictures running through my mind. I didn’t want to feel what I felt but I knew I had to feel it. Once a month I allow myself to take the pains of the world as my own; I drown myself in the scars and sink deep … only to rise again stronger and lighter then before.

Today I rose again. I was blessed with time and space for me, as my boys were away. I was working on an inspiring project that I’m preparing for all of you, guys. Reminding myself of what I stand for, what I believe in, and what I praise and preach towards instilled in me a new sense of Trust. Trust into the World that I doubted yesterday. Trust into My World. This meant: no, I didn’t feel like cooking. I felt the way I feel every menstruation, and it is to spiral down, cuddle up and dig, dig. No, I didn’t feel like cooking, but instilled with the new sense of Trust into the world that wants to caress us … I knew we would be fed.

So I finished work, and went for a ten minute barefoot walk on my meadow before picking my boys. I followed the sun’s invitation and cuddled up with golden grass beneath the top of the hill, where the Bora couldn’t get me, and soaked in the last autumn rays … when my mother called. She seemed excited to invite us all for dinner because she was blessed with beginner’s luck to find three big mushrooms on a walk through the woods.

Mushroom pasta for dinner? Thank you, heavens, for guarding my descent to renew my Belief into the world.

I knew we would be fed. And I knew, even in the darkest hour, when I had trouble sleeping, that everything would be okay. Everything is always okay, if there’s Trust in the okay. It’s the same kind of Trust that the story will come; even if it is 8 p.m., when I slowly unplug myself from the World.

If I Trust that there is a story to come, the story will come.

If I Trust that everything will be okay, everything is always okay. The question is … are we okay with the okay, or are we aiming at something else?

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Hey, guys, I’m in …

… France.

We arrived last Tuesday to do some seasonal work of grape-picking in Champagne. As soon as I learned about the possibility of it this year, I knew this was something I wanted to pursue. I heard a lot of warnings about it being a really hard work and I didn’t want to be away from Svarun for two weeks, but if I listened closely, I could hear my soul clearly, telling me that this was the experience she wanted. This would be a unique opportunity to earn good money in a short while, to spend some more than 24 hours’ worth quality-time with my boyfriend alone; this is something we haven’t done in eighteen months of knowing each other. And it would be a good time to recalibrate myself within the relationships I have with the people I love the most: my son, my boyfriend, my parents, my friends and my sisters. The Universe agreed, so we took off on Monday night.

Thus far I can’t tell you what the work is like and – maybe even more important – what the payment amounts to, because we start the work tomorrow. But I can tell you about

Being in an intimate relationship that works for me is hardest thing ever. I am certain I have come here to learn how to make it work, while being me, and being happy and whole all the way through. They say that the ego is the price for true love and I have come to think that it might be true, because being here with my loved one is boiling my stubborn self onto the surface big time. My stubborn self tells me I’m the captain of my boat, and I am eternally grateful for being able to hear the echo of these words on the inside. She mostly acts as my cheerleader, who gives me the faith in myself that I need if I want to do things that matter. Sometimes, though, she will make me believe that I should always come up with my own solutions, even though others’ ideas may serve me better. You see, my stubborn self considers taking an advice to be a failure, because it’s not mine enough. My stubborn self is doing everything to protect me from getting hurt she’ll even say things like:

You’ve come this far to get a glimpse of who you are that I’m afraid you might forget what being you is all about if you follow the path of least resistance.”

Come to think about it, that does not serve, but imprisons me into thinking that I should always do it on my own. And “on my own” sometimes feels like a very lonely place. Basically, it is just like saying: “I’ve travelled 1200 kilometers to get a glimpse of what a vreiment croissant beurre (the real deal butter croissant) tastes like that I’m afraid I might forget the taste when I get home. So whenever I want a butter croissant, I should travel 1200 kilometers because purchasing it at a local French bakery doesn’t cut it.” What?!

Aren’t we here to learn to distinguish what works and what doesn’t? Aren’t we here to learn to recognize the path of least resistance and follow the signs onward?

Doing my own thing, even when I recognize is not working, is not the path of least resistance, while dissolving the attachment to “mine” is. While I still believe all of the answers are dug deep inside of us, I have come to accept that I’m not less of myself when I follow an advice. I’m not less of myself if I can admit I’m wrong, or I’m being mean, or I’m being insulting; I’m on the way to more. And expansion is what my soul loves to do.

The path of least resistance is the one we can follow only if we’re done believing what we’ve been told; that live is a struggle, that we ought to fight to do it right, that most of our energy should be used to make a living … not a life.

Life, anyone?

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A Ten Second Ritual

I remember mentioning up here already that I have acquired a new habit of doing my morning sādhanā outside in the meadows of our Karst prairie. It’s the best decision I’ve taken in a while because it grounds me like nothing else, connects me to everything else and our beloved, loyal Bora blows all the negativity away. There were times when deer and rabbits were jumping not far away from me, and the top of the cliff with the view of the valley underneath, wrapped up by the immenseness of the Adriatic Sea is sure to reinforce the feeling of freedom within.

I started doing my Peace work outside when Svarun was away on holiday with my parents, but noticing how much better I felt if I started the day out in nature, I decided to keep the habit even when Svarun was back. So the weekends, when he doesn’t go to preschool, mean we’re out and about soon upon waking up, taking the breakfast that was prepared the night before, alongside.

But today was one of the days that we went out really late. My dearest spiritual running buddy came over first thing in the morning for the last chat, hug and a cultural culinary experience (as she put it) while visiting her homeland, so we didn’t manage to get outdoorsy until  almost noon (good thing the Bora was so strong today, so we didn’t feel the heat as much). I did my yoga, whereby Svarun used my Downward-Facing Dog as a bridge to go under, but I didn’t get to meditate; not because Svarun likes to use my silence as a profoundly valuable background for his powerful Bella Ciao* chanting, but because it was time for him to go to bed.

When we were leaving, it was very late, so Svarun’s stopping me every few steps didn’t help my keeping up the pace. First he needed to go pee and then he would order me to close my eyes and look away a few times. Although I knew he was doing that to bring me surprise gifts from the nature, I had been feeling a bit stressed out. I mean, I didn’t get to meditate in a few days’ time and all I wanted was some Peace of Mind. But when he told me to close my eyes and look away, a split second happened. Suddenly, I knew that I had a choice! I could either go on fussing around and wondering what time it was or I could take these ten seconds of time to my benefit. Right there and then, I was offered ten seconds of Peace for me. Peace is what I had longed for but my mind was telling me it was aiming at half an hour, as opposed to ten seconds. I chose to shush the mind.

As Svarun walked away, I closed my eyes and noticed my breathing. Immediately I felt Peace. And I felt teased by the sun that was warming up my face that was softening from the crankiness. And I felt my bare feet on the ground and the weight of the bag, the yoga mat and my flip-flops I was carrying. I checked in, and I felt me. I felt happy I accepted the invitation for this ten-second Peace ritual, and even happier when I realized I was given such invitations all the time. Every hour of every day, we are invited to take moments of Peace, just to plug in more often. Do we accept the invitations? Do we even notice them?

When we know that ritual is not something that requires a specific amount of time, but even seconds … we can make no more excuses.

Svarun returned smiling and shouting: “Surpriiiiiiiiiiise!!!”

He was holding a few flowers in his chubby little hand, and a juniper berry in the other. I felt royal and regal, not just because my soul flourished at the sight of the flowers that were picked for me, but because I had taken the moment for my little Ritual, which made life nothing short of Sacred.

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Highs and Lows

Yesterday was Mary Magdalene’s memorial and my desire to spend it in a women’s circle came true. I went to an Indian sweat lodge at a friend’s place. It was held exclusively for women and each and every one of us felt the strong, natural, raw feminine energies that are present when women gather in a circle, sing and share. The feminine energy has a lot to do with the feeling of support that I was talking about yesterday, and it has nothing to do with shame, comparison, or jealousy. The sisterhood means we are all equal in front of The Great Spirit, Wakan Tanka, God and/or Goddess, the Universe, and at the same time every one of us has a special flavour to her essence.  At one point in between our chanting, our fire-keeper (also a woman) went from sitting to lying down on her mat, opened her legs and showed her yoni to the sacred fire in the middle of the circle. Can you imagine how relaxed she must have felt? Being natural is what happens when you shave off of shame.

As this was my first sweat lodge ever, I didn’t know what to expect and I felt a bit of tension. However, everything turned out amazing, though: Svarun visited me and talked to me about our mission, and at a certain point I even had a totally unexpected vision of a totem animal. All of this was possible because of surrender. During the second break, where we delved deep into the relationships with fellow humans, I felt the urge to run outside and lie on the ground, tummy side down. In the moment when the cold, humid grass kissed my hot body, I had this transcendental experience of not being totally in the body anymore, but somewhere in between. It was then when it crossed my mind: “The Indians really knew how to push their bodies to the limit and make them surrender to the experience, so that the soul could have a spiritual experience.” All in all, we had an amazing time.

As we were closing the circle this morning, one of the women said: “I wish I knew how to keep this elevated feeling forever, but it always vanishes after a few days.” I remembered my experiences of flying high and then crashing down low when reality hit in with bills to pay and things to take care of. It’s a contrast. One day you’re all centred, calm, hyped up and blissfully aware of all and everything, and then the next day you’re back in a non-tidy home, back in all of the relationships and back running out of time to do your yoga. Abraham says we should love this contrast, but sometimes it seems like a really hard thing to do, doesn’t it? I mean, who wouldn’t want to be high-flying all the time? The thing is, if we were flying high all the time, it wouldn’t even seem that high anymore. Until there is a contrast, we can’t really grasp how high we actually were. Life doesn’t go straight down the road, it goes in circles so that we are able to: a) appreciate how high we can get, and b) train ourselves how to go back up as quickly as possible. Practicing how to get on a higher vibration gives us power, gives us strength, and it convinces us that we are the captains of our boats.

How do we do it? The best way is to be mindful when something awesome is happening by closing our eyes and becoming aware of everything that we are feeling. A tingling in your nose? Mouth corners up? A beating excitement in your chest? Stardust on your crown chakra?

Consider it all.

Memorize how it feels when you are flying high, and where in your body you feel it.

Practice applying the indicators when you don’t feel on top of the world anymore. The will is the key.

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With my dear sister Nika, who took piano lessons with me in third grade. Our friendship started thus 20 years ago.

Getting Warmed Up

This post usually starts downloading in the morning.

When I come out of my meditation and start to run errands, the inspiration comes flowing down, so I’m taking notes with one hand while making breakfast with the other. The inspiration always comes from the Universe, Source, God or whatever you want to name it, but I can hear it via many different routes: in a talk or an interview that I’m listening on YouTube while working, in a book that falls out of the shelf, in a social encounter, or in a memory. I really like it when downloading takes place throughout the whole morning, because then I really feel like I’m nesting in the energies of the daily topic. And when I nest in a specific topic, that’s when more and more pieces of information come and round up the message. You know, like attracts like.

So today I got the inspiration to talk about how to get going: how to get on a path of personal growth, spiritual development and self-discovery.

  1. Loosen up + Laugh

I used to be so serious because I thought that if I wanted to grow as a person, I needed to be stuck up most of the time. The truth is quite the opposite, actually. All of the people who are of inspiration to me laugh constantly. They laugh at life, at themselves, and they laugh at jokes; brace yourselves – yes, even the nasty and black humour ones. I used to feel so bad when I would laugh at nasty jokes. And while I will not say you need to embrace black humour, I will however encourage you to laugh more, whatever the cause. That doesn’t mean you need to be happy-go-lucky all the time; I am after all a woman, and a Pisces at that, so the amplitude of emotions is my primary navigational system. Just … embrace happy and funny into your day to day life. Like, right here, right now.

There is this joke that I’ve felt guilty to tell or laugh at, although I think it’s witty. And before I tell you about it, I need to explain it because it only works in Slovene. It involves thyme. I’m sure you know thyme, the herb, right? Ok, so there’s this species of wild thyme here in the Mediterranean with tiny pink flowers, that we call materina dušica, which in literal translation means mother’s soul. Me and Svarun were just picking it yesterday, and we need to take another foraging trip very soon because it’s in bloom right now. Now you know, here goes the joke: What do you get if you put a baby into a cup of boiling water? The materina dušica tea. “Ha, and you call yourself a mother,” my mind is telling me and trying to lure me into guilt as we speak. But I know better than to go that way. I’m loosening up and having a laugh, that’s all.

  1. Breathe

I’ve talked about breathing before and I will do more because breathing is always up to date, isn’t it? It’s the very fact of our existence. It is the first indicator of our aliveness. It is also the indicator of whether we are living or not, which is not the same as alive,  because to live means to take full responsibility of our experience. The way we breathe tells the story of our lives. If our breathing is shallow and fast, we are surviving. If we take deep and long breaths, we live our lives. Your breath is your birth right, and besides, a conscious breath is the best tool to bring you into the here and now. If you are aware of your breathing, you are present. If you are present, you live your life from moment to moment. If your breathing is on autopilot, the events of your life pass you by, and before you know it you’re old and alone and wondering:”Where did everybody go?”

I’m not going to tell you to start breathing, because if you’re reading this, the odds-on are that you are already doing it. The question is, are you conscious of your breath? Various disciplines like yoga, meditation, tai chi, chi gong (and many more) really help you focus on the breath, so you might want to undertake one or more. I really like practising vinyasa yoga, a dynamic yoga flow, where your movement follows your breath, and yin yoga, which in my opinion is the most meditative yoga, because you hold postures for up to 5 minutes and in that time, you really need to let go of the mind and just – breathe. If you’re not yet practising, I highly recommend meditation to everyone. It not only clears your mind, but also catapults you to a creative universe, where all of the magic happens and you get to be the boss of your existence. Not for you in this moment in time? In case you don’t want to get into yoga or meditation just yet, at least commit to your breath by regularly taking me-breaks throughout the day. Whenever you catch yourself breathing shallowly, start taking deep relaxing breaths with eyes closed, and check up on yourself by asking yourself: “How do I feel?” Shallow breathing can be the result of big emotions or the autopilot you had turned on. Notice it, thank it. Then imagine inhaling golden rays of positivity and exhaling all of the negativity that has gathered in your body. This visualisation alone will do wonders, I guarantee.

I’ll be talking about this more, and until I do, I wish you all good night.

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Invitation: Let’s Do This Together

I’m not perfect. I’m not. Quite honestly, I’m highly imperfect. You can ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you how my insecurity gets in the way of my strength and will oftentimes. Or how my fears dare me to trust. Or how the hole from a belly button in my navel literally exploded when I was pregnant with Svarun and now looks like … well, as though it had exploded. So yeah, pretty much imperfect.

I’ve been thinking about “perfect” lately. What is perfect anyway? It means separate, actually. I had a boyfriend with a golden heart, a lot of compassion and an awesomely working mind, who could make a wonderful leader one day. But because he considered himself perfect, he was always in conflict and everybody eventually ran away from him. Us humans can’t relate to perfect because being perfect as we know it is not humane. I said “as we know it” because we use the word perfect as an outside evaluation of an internal criteria. Etymologically, the word perfect comes from the Latin word perfectus, which meant “to bring to full development”. What happens when we bring something, including ourselves, to full development? The end. When we are perfect, there is nothing more for us to do or be, and when that happens, there is no aim, no inspiration, and no path for us to walk. Nothing. Perfect is the ultimate end of the road.

And being human is about the road, it really is. Just think: what happens when you get somewhere you were dreaming or you get something you really desired? There is that initial flow of excitement, sure, but after that? You want something else. And the way you are going to get it will outweigh the thing, or place, or a relationship you’re going to get. It always does.

Before I became a mother, I would turn my back and go away whenever I felt restless. I’d go somewhere else and when the initial excitement there burnt off, I was left with myself, again. And then I’d go somewhere else, but nowhere else was fine, because everywhere else would tell me the same old thing: where you really want to go is INSIDE. And at first, I was left terrified at what I may find. But I’m here now. Are you?

Are you ready to dig deeper? The way within is the way to happiness, wholeheartedness, harmony. To love, to expression. And I’m here, inviting you on this journey with me, because we’re all in this together. Haven’t you noticed that the people around you go through many similar things? The fact that we’re all so intrinsically connected so as to bring into fruition the same sort of things at present … both amazes and inspires me. And forces me to stand up and stand out and share my experience of self-discovery. Through my writing, through my songs and music, through my motherhood, through my food and movement. Through all of it and more, but right here – through my writing. Sara, whom I take for my teacher, says: “Whatever I recognize in others, it’s because I own it, too. There are pieces of me in everyone else. When I realize this, I can be free.”

So. Do you wanna grow with me? Right here, ritually, every day?

 And you know what? Let’s ditch the word perfect for true. True is being able to look at the places in us that we’ve tried to hide. I’m talking about really looking, confronting the shadows. And then alchemically transforming them into … light.

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Bathing in the sunLIGHT at the river Dragonja. Photo courtesy of my dear soul sister Anja Orian, who made the wonderful linen skirt I’m wearing. You can check out her masterpieces on https://www.etsy.com/shop/InteriorHandmade?ref=l2-shopheader-name.

A Goodnight Story

I had very intense days lately. There has been a lot going on, a lot of jumping around, and a lot of communicating. While these are all the things that I love, I did feel like my creative juice was missing. I felt like there was nothing I could put out here, both because my mind was too tired to express itself, and because my spirit was too distraught to hear what I should write about tonight. Well, this was true until five minutes ago. As I was telling Svarun a goodnight story, I got a message to share. A reminder, more like. So my dear ones, since telling you to close your eyes and listen to the story would be absurd, rather keep your eyes open and keep on reading.

There once was a mother goat that had two little goats: billy goat named Rudi, who was three and a half, and a baby goat called Alice. One night after dinner, mother goat said to Rudi: “My dearest boy, it’s getting late. Go pee, put your pajamas on and brush your teeth.”

Rudi looked at his mother and nonchalantly said: “No.”

His mother looked at him, and said: “I beg your pardon?” Rudi repeated: “No, I won’t.”

His mother looked at him and said nothing, but took Alice into her arms and started breastfeeding her, while Rudi went to play with his Lego’s.

After a few minutes, mother goat said again: “Rudi, it’s time you went to bed. Go pee, put on your pajamas, brush your teeth and go to bed.”

Rudi didn’t even look at his mother, but said: “No.”

His mother looked at him, and said: “I beg your pardon?” Rudi told her again: “No, I won’t.”

His mother looked at him and said nothing, but continued to breastfeed his little sister. At some point, Rudi asked his mother: “Mommy, can you give me some water?”

Rudi’s mother said: “No, I can’t.” Rudi didn’t like her answer, so he got a bit angry. He stood up fiery and started marching towards the kitchen, when he stepped on a Lego. Now, anybody who ever stepped on a Lego knows it’s no fun. But Rudi’s anger made his step a bit too heavy and the accident much more painful. Rudi shrieked, crashed down on the floor and started crying over his accident.

He said: “Mommy, come help me. I’m hurting.” But his mother said: “No, I won’t.”

Rudi cried: “Why won’t you help me? Don’t you love me?” His mother replied: “My dear Rudi. Why didn’t you do the things I asked you to? Don’t you love me?” Rudi said nothing.

His mother kneeled to him and in the most compassionate way said: “My dear, don’t you know that everything I tell you to do is for your own good? If you did what I told you, the accident wouldn’t even happen, because you would be lying in bed by now, where there are no Lego’s to step on. What I’m here for is to protect you and what you are here for is to learn to trust me.”

I went on to tell the story until the final hug and kiss, but I’m stopping here now. I feel that in a lot of ways, we are all like billy goat Rudi, while the Universe is the mother goat. All of us are constantly given gentle guidance from the Universe in form of feelings, the sequences of angelic numbers, the songs we hear on the radio, our “mistakes”. The answers are given before we ask, but do we listen? Are we willing to receive and trust?

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