Rollercoaster, anyone?

How many times were we as girls, maidens, and women told we were being too sensitive? If you are anything like me, it was way too many times to count. On the other hand, how many times were they told they were being rude, violent, brazen?

Kindness is the highest form of wisdom, they say. I agree with them. When we don’t consciously work on being kind to our fellow humans, we often create a space of void in between us. We create separateness and pain. Sure, I am conceptually fully aware that nobody can really hurt me. I am aware that when I’m in my peace, nobody and nothing can bring me down. I take full responsibility for my peace, I do. But what if I still got hurt?

It usually went something like this: He would tell me something I didn’t want to hear in a manner I wasn’t prepared to receive. I would close my heart, change my mind, and start playing the break-up game of minding my own business, ditching our future plans, and start focusing on my things alone. The closing of the heart would cool me down completely, and I would get by with snapping, rudeness and indifference. Eventually, he’d get my point and I’d tell him I didn’t want to be with him anymore … until I’d start missing him. I know for a fact that we both love each other immensely, but I also know that the languages we speak could sometimes not be more foreign.

“You’re hot and you’re cold, you’re yes and you’re no,” says one Katy Perry song that used to be quite popular. It got into my ear today because it sums up perfectly the way I relationships used to portray an emotional rollercoaster for me. While rollercoaster might sound fun to you, this really wasn’t. Plus I lost a ton of energy by first heating things up, then suddenly freezing them down, and spinning round and round. Seeing this energy waste for what it was really rang my bell today, and made me say: “I’m not going there today. I don’t need the drama.”

I didn’t roll on a rollercoaster today. Because how I roll as of today is by hugging and kissing myself, telling me that nobody is here to hurt me, that the Universe has my back, and that these are the lessons I need to learn.

Upon today’s lesson, he calls me and says: “I’m sorry I was cranky earlier.”

“I’m sorry I took the advantage of things and let them hurt me. Hmm. No, wait, that’s not right … Hmmm, wait, I got this …”

“You’re sorry you helped the conversation go that way?”

“That’s it.”

Peace. No energy loss. Big heart gain.

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Transformation

I’m in the dark, in the wintertime. Not just this month’s winter, but the winter of my Abundance. I hit a rough patch there.

On the one hand, I’ve got my mother telling me that if she were me, she would go and clean toilets to offer her child more things. She is still the one to think that kids, just like many adults, need things to fill the emotional void inside and thus be happy. The things will set him free? She is still the one to think that only a real job offers the safety net that chasing after my dreams of being a writer and a singer never will. That’s right! Chasing after my dreams will never get me into a place of financial security. I must be the one to set the tempo of manifestation and my dreams will follow, not vice versa. However, being a mother and still following my soul’s desire seems outrageous and irresponsible. There we have it, example number 1 (of what, you’ll soon learn).

On the other hand, we’ve got a typical visit of our farmer’s market/ health food store/ local shop. My wallet may be pretty much empty, but I’ve always had this feeling that abundance is right around the corner for me. Honestly. I can feel it. I can definitely believe it. I just don’t know how to get from A to B, you see. “A little less conversation, a little more action,” may be a good advice. I can feel the abundance that’s waiting for me to take a step forward; it’s funny, unexplainable, and it’s leaving me perplexed when I go to the store, calculating and browsing for change in the holes of my pockets. And regardless of the impending abundance, I think to myself: “This ain’t no life, this ain’t no living.” There we have it, example number 2 … of my worthiness issues.

I’ve heard it said that money is the compensation for the value that you give out to the world. But if you don’t mind I’ll complete this statement by saying that the value that we are talking about always comes from the first person singular, the doer. For how could anything valuable come from a person who doesn’t value himself? Money is therefore the reflection of our self-worth. Huh?

Um, let’s delve even deeper. And deeper. Into the dark.

The dark is very welcoming. It makes us calm down, become present and take another perspective on our lives. It makes it possible for us to trace our moons and stars and all the other things and people and situations that shine and make our lives brighter. Can you recognize yours? By contrasting the light, the dark also helps us see what exactly doesn’t qualify in our lives anymore. And then it also gives space for transformation to occur, the alchemy, which is the natural ability of our cyclical nature.

I feel that I’m in the transformation from the Maiden to the Mother archetype. Sure, I’ve been an actual mother for the past three and a half years, but up until now I didn’t exactly know my place in our family of two. I was in between minds. I was either both, the mother and the father, or just hanging around, waiting for someone to come and partner me and father my son. But now I’m ready to take responsibility, for the Universe is kicking me to leave behind the girlish insecurity and rise as a woman.

The Maiden is so insecure and therefore afraid to commit to anything by fear of being marked as just someone who’s making these delicious energy bars for you. “I’m not just your f*** cook,” her surly temper’s got the best of her. This skin is becoming too tight. I think I’ll move on … to the Mother, who knows what she is and none of her descriptions of herself involve the demeaning words, such as “only” or “just”. She knows she’s got it all. She owns it. And she doesn’t give a flying f*** as to what others may think of her. She knows what she’s here to do and she goes and does it, because the world needs her loving presence. And the world needs her natural feeling of abundance, that she radiates forward.

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Commitment Yes, Commitment No?

Svarun is finally home! Boy, oh boy, did I ever miss that golden, fiery, talkative boy. Today we had an amazing day together; long and full, but amazing.

But after he’s gone to bed, the things that challenged me throughout the day surfaced. The things were many. I’m in the midst of my period. My mind is scattered all over, trying to figure a way out of what I would call “a mess”. I feel cranky and tired. I feel like there are things happening against my will. And I feel everything would be just fine if there were someone here to pat me on back. If there were someone here to say “there, there” or grab the reins when I need a nap.

Basically, what I’m feeling is very sorry for myself and just realizing it now. Whoa! Hello again, you, feeling. Feeling sorry for myself used to be my dominant way of feeling. It’s what I was brought up with. It goes something like this: I’ll take it if I get to complain about it. If I get to complain, I’m not happy. Not being happy is normal, so I’m in my comfort zone. All is well.

Being in the “poor me” is the easiest thing you could do, but it brings the least joy, if any at all. As my dear teacher Sara always says: “When nothing depends upon you, you needn’t take any responsibility for your life.”  Easy? Sure. Happy? Doubt it.

For example, me and Sara were talking for quite some time today. In the meantime Svarun found a two cups’ worth of oat flakes and got the inspiration to bake something on his own. He gathered oat flakes, organic baking powder, rice syrup, and water and came asking for permission to use each of the ingredients. I was like “yeah, yeah”, trying to divide my attention between the phone call and my son. Now, this may not have been the first time he decided to bake something, but it was the first time he committed to it. His commitment to pull it off, find a baking tray, put it into the oven and wait patiently for it to be done resulted in the very first time we got to eat his cake and, more importantly, a very excited and proud young man! It’s entirely edible and beyond – it’s delicious. But for me to see that took some strength. I could have stayed in the “poor me” and stick to my moth cashew tragedy, I could. But if I did, I wouldn’t realize how big this moment was for him. Seeing the victimhood game for what it was, I could shift the focus to the present moment and commit to being happy for my son’s rite of passage.

How do we take responsibility for our lives, then? By committing.

The other day somebody was asking me about my constant frequent updates here on the blog. I was asked about commitment and I remember using physics to explain my feelings. Now, I’m not a physicist or a left-brainer per se (two of my best friends are, though), but I swear I couldn’t find a more understandable explanation of what it feels like to commit than using centrifugal and centripetal forces to illustrate. Before you commit to your calling, you’re further away from the centre of the curve. You’re in the outskirts of the curve and don’t take responsibility for your life and your being. You have a job that doesn’t fulfil you and you complain about it, but feel you can’t do anything to change it. You don’t live your life, your life lives you. Then, once you realize you can’t afford such mediocre existence in this astonishing time-space reality, you commit to do whatever it takes to feel good and be the boss of your own life. You are then stepping on a whole new frequency, my friend. You’re coming closer to the centre of the circle, the rolling circle being you, your path and your calling. The closer you get to the centre, the more centripetal force you feel. The centripetal force stands for good feelings in the inertia that result from your decision to commit: fulfilment, calmness, happiness, feeling of being taken care of, and feeling of a cooperative Universe. Once you’ve had a sip of the fulfilment that you get when you carry out your soul’s desire, you want more and more of it because it just feels good. However, the more centripetal force you feel, the more centrifugal force there is. The latter is said to result from inertia and is “the tendency of an object to resist any change in its state of rest or motion”. There we have it, the perfect explanation of … fear. Right? The more you’re giving yourself in, the more fear you are feeling. Fear accompanies every creative venture, pushing us to either give in and commit, or give up and go back to the outskirts until we decide it’s time to commit to the inertia.

What will we do? What will ye do? Can you find something to commit to?

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Having to Decide? 

There is this subject in my life upon which I constantly feel the need to decide. Am I willing to put up with this or not? How will my life unfold if I walk away? There is this something that’s still keeping me from doing what I know I should and I don’t know what it is. Correction: my soul knows, but my mind is not ready to accept it. Which leaves me between a rock and a hard place. Indecisive. And every time I do take a decision and make it official, a new test is on the rise, checking up on me and having a good laugh: “Are you sure this time around?”

Whenever we are trying to decide upon something, we become stiff. All of the flexibility, which is the primal characteristic of our soul, vanishes and makes it impossible for us to dance and move and be. What to do instead? Let go.

Our soul is expansive beyond our imagination. It is constantly seeking new experiences, because those help our soul to realize itself in new ways. When we try hard to decide upon something, what we are really doing is caging our soul. Svarun is the perfect example of this; for one, he is a child and on top of that a libra, which probably makes his mind weigh things a bit further. What I noticed is very profound. Whenever I give him two or more options, he becomes frustrated, restless and willing to pick a fight. This is no wonder, since his soul wants all of it, but the mind is trying to convince him he only needs one of the two. Bollocks.

When our mind is not in alignment with our soul it is because the latter wants expression, while the first just wants control, at least most of the time. So in order to “decide”, let’s stop deciding right now. This very moment let us give our souls the experience of all of it by giving our minds the experience of nothing. No thing, no think, no thinking. Ha! When the soul is given the chance to experience everything within arm’s reach, it is sure to guide us, saying “this is me” when it finds fascination, and “this isn’t me” when it doesn’t.

Inspiration is the main food for our soul. When our soul experiences something fascinating, inspiring, exhilarating or exciting, you will know you’ve make the right decision. And the right decision is always the same: expand. Getting to know more makes it possible for us to be more.

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Always Look for the Gift

Some loves go strong, others go long. And there are those who go long and strong, I’m sure.

This one went strong. Our ride was wild, but we drove the final mile today. I can feel there is a lot of things that want my attention, coming up right now. And I have a choice. Observing my overflowing emotional body, I can either sink in or turn my back. I can either do the work now, or leave it for later, but the work must be done. Intimate relationships really require some sort of work on our part, if we don’t want the same old ride every time around.

I decide to sink in. If I left the emotional work for later, it would be much like leaving the dishes for tomorrow, when everything sticks and stinks and there is not a time when I don’t wish I had done that before. I go deep, I feel my feels, cry my cries and scream the words that should have been spoken earlier; the words that I let sit and wait gained my attention and power with each passing day. If I expressed the words before, they would come out as clear as a peaceful lake, emanating the sovereignty of its depths. But because I let them sit, they gained the momentum of attention and are now ready to burst out like the craziest lava from a pissed off volcano. If you let your feelings rest unexpressed, it seems that their easy waters will turn to the destructiveness of fire.

Still, there is this place in me where he resides. It’s his home. But since I’m still the boss of me, I get to choose who gets to stay. The thing is, he’s not renting his home in me. Oh, no. I invited him to be with me, as close as our physical bodies will let our souls come close. And now that there is no more we as in him and me, will I just kick him out?

The greater part of me still wants to be nice and respectful, and really – why shouldn’t I be? But the mind is restless, it just wants things to be over. Now. Asap. Basta, ya. I could evacuate him. I could do that with all my might, and chances are that I might be successful. But using the power that he himself helped me gain against him, feels like betrayal. Fighting his existence until he’s gone would leave scars on me and him. Besides, what I would be left with is a big giant hole the size of his soul. Do I really want that? What’s the other way?

I know! What I will do is let him be until he is good to go.

Every day, I will go down there and say hello. I will wish him a good day, leave him there and go on to live my life. I will not uproot him and try to fill the void. I will heal us both with my loving recognition of his presence. Until the day that he is gone. The winds will come and take him away. The only thing that’s here to stay is a giant gift box with a bow still on. It’s what he came in. My gift.

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