On Being Real

If you have been following me at all up here, you know I’m taking this three-month course called Abundance Group, where we aim at developing our talents and gifts into abundance. It’s amazing. And it’s challenging to see that our acquired sense of self is often the jailer for all that we could be. That’s what I want to talk about today.

What I’ve come to notice is that I didn’t have any problems stating who I was. This is the question I’ve been dealing with fort he past decade:“Who am I, really?” And I’ve come to definitions and I’ve come to conclusions and I’ve come to internalize a set of beliefs about me that I hold dear to my heart and that make me feel right. For example, ever since I came to know the hippie movement from the late 1960’s in my early teens, I just knew: “Mom, I’m a hippie.” What got me about the hippies was their FREEDOM, but what made me stay was the prison that kept my mind believing: “It’s alright if I’m penniless, at least I’m free.” Excuse me, mind, but having a child and being penniless is no fun. Even the freedom, which was the reason that I signed up in the first place, turns to anxiety and rage when my son needs winter boots and I am in no way capable of buying a pair. I wasn’t, but luckily I always had family and friends who were. 

And then I started asking myself whether this was really who I was supposed to be? “Honestly, I’m here to be broke?”, I asked myself and paused.

The voice of the wise answered for me: “Well, if you’re buying this, I’m certainly not.” It was time to acquire a new sense of self. This sense of self made me describe myself as I did a few days ago.

I’m a woman and a mother who is aiming at balance of body, mind and soul. I am a researcher of life whose job is to find pleasure in every little step on the way. I am here to tell the truth about the way and I am here to be REAL.

Seeing the world that is fake and the people who fake in order to please or reach some sort of standards,  lights the fire on my way, because I’m here to question: “Whose standards?”. If you know the answer to this, right you are; if not, go deep inside and look for them for the answers always await until you come inside. We are our own standards and once we’ve caught a glimpse of ourselves, of our true light in being … that light is loyal enough to never let us go. Whatever we sense, or see, or feel, or hear, or touch inside – it’s all good. And if your mind can’t categorize that as good yet, know that that exact thing is a call for love; your love.

We are here to do pure magic, get it?

We are pure magic! From head to toe.

But in order to let the magic shine through, we must love and accept ourselves first. We have to come to terms with all of our pieces because none are better then others. None! Sure, we have come to accept the light and the dark, the up and the down, the left and the right, and yes, even the right and the wrong. But we have only come to know these because we live in a dualistic reality, where it’s easier to understand our different pieces as contrasts. There is no harm in that – as long as we also keep in mind that all of these contrasts can only apply to our particular viewpoints (that are unavoidably the products of our upbringing, education and experiences).

Try not to label your contrasts as right or wrong. If you do that, you will show the world only the pieces in you that you think are right and hide the rest. And that’s fake. And not only is it not REAL, but it will make the unloved, unappreciated pieces of you either sink in and hold a grudge – or (if you’re anything like me) rebel.

All of our pieces are right, because they are ours and because they are real and thus make us REAL. And if they’re showing you a part of yourself that you don’t like or try to ignore or deprive of love or starve to death … they are here because of that alone: to point the finger.

Today bathe the parts that you don’t accept in yourself with love. And let them be.

They make you REAL.

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I am RICH

The past ten days were quite intense. I know, I am fully aware of the fact that I often say this. It’s because I often feel this, too. And I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the decision that I made many a year ago: I will never be bored in this life. And although I still agree with this, I reject the notion that if’m not bored, I have to feel the exact opposite of »bored«. I reject the notion that we live in a boring, linear, either-or reality, because the world that I want to experience is jucier, richer, vaster, deeper, more abundant than that.

I have felt the need to dig deeper for as long as I can remember. The »why’s« seemed to have no end. And although I looked for answers in many places, I was more often than not – dissasitsfied. I didn’t conceptually know the answers to my questions, but the answers I was getting didn’t seem right; they didn’t click. They were what was know nor accepted within this linear society, but they weren’t the answers to my questions. In this society we are taught to see things white or black, good or bad, light or dark, up or down, and we are taught to favour only one: the white, the good, the light, the up. We are taught, many would argue, right, while wrong would mean … seeing things for what they really are?

Shakespeare said: »Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so.«

It is time to learn ourselves subjectivity. Things are what they are, it’s just that. Yes, they stir emotions inside of us. Yes, we are here to feel all of the feels … but we are not here to dwell in them. We are here to use them as guidelines. If something stirs a feeling within us, let it come, for it’s here for us to gain from it.

No, I will never be bored in this live, I’m a single mother after all. What I will be is RICH with all of the abundant feelings that a powerful, creative, passionate woman’s life can be.

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Taking Responsibility

The past week has been a roller-coaster.

Do you know the feeling when you know you’re doing the right thing, but everything you keep bumping into are obstacles upon obstacles upon obstacles? I sure do. I sure know how to feel sorry for myself. My mantra used to be: »I knew something was gonna go wrong.« I really liked that mantra. For a long time, it served me, because it saved me from responsibility. I hated responsibility and I never learned how to take responsibility … for my life. What does that even mean?

I liked my mantra, although the statement wasn’t actually true. I didn’t literally know what was going to happen, but I did always happily consider everything that could go wrong before everything that could go right. I was in the state of mind that Sara, my dear teacher, calls »God’s mercy«: when you think about the obstacle and you realize you really don’t want it to happen, but you feel like there’s nothing you can do to prevent it. You feel like somebody else is navigating your boat, while you sit silently under the deck; you’re small, yet you’re safe. And if the going gets rough, it’s not your fault.

I fell into that state a few times this week. I just stopped something and launched something new. I oh-so-know that what I started is the right thing. I can feel it in my body; I feel twinkles of excitement whenever I think about this project, and rushes of excitement when new ideas unfold and upgrade and reveal. It’s so right that it scares me.

So I go on … showing up late, not handling things, manifesting Svarun’s one-night-stand diseases, spilling chamomile tea all over the car, forgetting my laptop, forgetting the essentials, buying the wrong camera that the program doesn’t accept. There were approximately a million things why I could give up. But strangely my insistence seems to override my resistance. There have been a million instances when I could simply say: »The Universe is testing my persistence.« But I know that’s not the case. And another thing I know … I am responsible for my life. I take full responsibility for my life by always being in tune with what I feel. And I know that the obstacles I created are just my inability to accept … abundance. Abundance does not have one face alone. All that happened and nearly made me cry but in the end made me crack up open, is colorful and varied and very abundant. Oh, yeah.

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8:8:8, Lion’s Gate

Today is a big day. The astrologers call it the Lion’s Gate, and the energies of 8:8:8: invite us to Start Living our Calling. The calling isn’t just something grandiose that we want to put in our Facebook profile. It can be something as simple as being the kind of mother that you wanted as a kid, saying no when you mean no, listen to others but listen to your own voice deep inside that’s always right. Apart from that, Lion’s Gate invites us to ditch the old to make room for the new, which is fully, truly, sincerely ~ us.

I read somewhere that the first part of 2017 was just the 2016 exam that we had to take again, but with this fresh knowing that we amounted since. I feel this to be very true for me. How about you? And what is it that you want to say goodbye to, because it doesn’t serve you anymore?

Me?

I’m burning the bridges to my compensation today. I don’t want to live in the “either – or” but in the “both – and” kind of reality.

Select not, embrace.

The last couple of days I have had these existential questions going on. What I feel I need to do in my life is very clear to me. However, it has been exceedingly unclear how I was going to make a living out of it, because I knew I was highly uprooted. By rejecting my own body in my teens, I also rejected everything Earthy for a long period of time in my life: I was telling myself and others I didn’t need or want any money, because I believed that money is addictive and bad; I didn’t want to have sex because I thought “sex was just body and I want to connect in spirit”; I didn’t goof around and be silly with my girlfriends because laughter is just something that loosens things up on this Earth plane.

But little by little, I came to my senses; quite literally. Laughter, even when provoked by silly jokes or god-forbid black humour, has become a way for me to loosen up and come to Here and Now. Sex, ditto, but much, much more than that and counting, since it offers a portal for human beings to turn into gods. As for money, it is something that reflects our inner well-being; if we feel abundant, we will attract abundance into our lives, and if not … well, I think we know what happens in that case. And abundance is something that we need in order to give all of our gifts to the world.

When I became a mother, I didn’t know that. It was then that I settled for the compensation that I’m breaking off tonight. Knowing that I didn’t move about this Earth plane very well, I proposed to the Universe: “I’m going to be making these energy bars and nut butters and other awesome healthy foods to keep the people happy and healthy, and you, my dear Earth are going to keep me grounded.” We both agreed to agree, so mote it be.

Tonight I’m breaking the deal. Compensation has helped me rediscover my Earthy self, meet many a beautiful souls, and get to a place, where I know I need to take a step further. Compensation can no longer serve my purpose now. You see, it has brought about a lot of worrying to make a living. That’s not how I roll anymore. I’m shifting the focus from trying to make a living to … first of all, not trying anymore but doing it, man, and second of all, making a life, not a living. The life is here to take care of the living, I swear I believe that. If we listen, and hear, and follow the lead, and live all that we’re supposed to live and give out all of the gifts that we brought along, we are abundant in nature, and so the material abundance must seek its way into our existence.

You know why: like attracts like.

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A Sense of Worthiness

When was the last time you asked yourself a couple of questions:

*What do I consider worthy?

*What is my worth?

I got to thinking about worth because I’m digging deep into my perception of abundance, and the two appear to be inherently linked, so let’s see.

I was talking to my grandmother the other day, when she suddenly asked me a question: “How worthy am I if your sister didn’t even come and say hi when she went away for her holiday?” My sister lives next door from her, so my grandmother expected her to come and greet before she set off.  She didn’t come, my grandmother felt hurt. Of course you’re not allowed to say out loud that you’re feeling hurt, because that would imply you’re vulnerable, which is totally unacceptable, so she asked me the above question to camouflage it. I told her that she was feeling hurt because she expected Jana to come and say hi and that Jana didn’t have anything to do with her worth; or rather, her sense of worthiness. That is something we decide for ourselves. You get to choose your worth by everything you do or say, every moment of every day.

She didn’t follow my lead. She couldn’t grasp the concept I was trying to feed her: “Me determining my own worth?! Bollocks.” I can understand that. She has after all been taught throughout her whole life that one’s worth is estimated by others given their attitude. External verification of one’s light is a domain that the patriarchal society and church have bestowed upon us.

In an attempt to change the subject, my grandmother went on to say she should have really cut her fingernails, but ran out of time because she prioritized doing everything else for everybody else instead. I exclaimed, eppur-si-muove-dly: “See, this is it! That’s the reason Jana never came to say goodbye! She doesn’t know your worth because you never affirmed it yourself.” Not only did she not affirm her worth, my grandma demeans it on every occasion. Whenever she invites us for lunch, she starts of my belittling herself and her work with: “oh, it’s not salty enough”, or “it’s too watery” and “this is only good to flush your bowels”. One can’t feel worthy when one says that. It’s just not possible. And when we thank her for the meal before leacing, she never says: “You’re welcome”. By that she would acknowledge her service and affirm her worth. Instead she always says: “Thank you? For that poverty?”

It breaks my heart to witness the suffocated feminine. But it’s us, it’s our generation who must change that; on behalf of our mothers, grandmothers and all of the generations of women who came before us. Only after we determine that we are the most important person in our lives, we start feeling worthy. And when we live out of that kind of worthy, others can see it and respect it, cherish it, monitor it, copy it. When we feel worthy, people around us can feel it, too, and therefore give us all the respect we want and need. But it is ourselves who must initiate it!

*What’s my worth?

To answer that, we need to get naked, both physically and spiritually, and ask ourselves: WHAT AM I …

… without my job

… without my flat

… without my family and friends

… without my money

… without my kids

… without the expressions of self, be it writing, singing, dance, macramé, yoga, ceramics, clothes or whatever way you find to bring the essence of self into something you can see and hold in your hands?

Worthiness is a big topic. It’s huge, actually. We’re not nearly done yet, for the more I am willing to open up and unveil the parts of me I didn’t know existed, the more vulnerable I feel. The more vulnerable I feel, the readier I become to shed off the shades. The more shades I disarm myself of, the stronger I stand in what’s remained.

And that is my worth, today.

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Transformation

I’m in the dark, in the wintertime. Not just this month’s winter, but the winter of my Abundance. I hit a rough patch there.

On the one hand, I’ve got my mother telling me that if she were me, she would go and clean toilets to offer her child more things. She is still the one to think that kids, just like many adults, need things to fill the emotional void inside and thus be happy. The things will set him free? She is still the one to think that only a real job offers the safety net that chasing after my dreams of being a writer and a singer never will. That’s right! Chasing after my dreams will never get me into a place of financial security. I must be the one to set the tempo of manifestation and my dreams will follow, not vice versa. However, being a mother and still following my soul’s desire seems outrageous and irresponsible. There we have it, example number 1 (of what, you’ll soon learn).

On the other hand, we’ve got a typical visit of our farmer’s market/ health food store/ local shop. My wallet may be pretty much empty, but I’ve always had this feeling that abundance is right around the corner for me. Honestly. I can feel it. I can definitely believe it. I just don’t know how to get from A to B, you see. “A little less conversation, a little more action,” may be a good advice. I can feel the abundance that’s waiting for me to take a step forward; it’s funny, unexplainable, and it’s leaving me perplexed when I go to the store, calculating and browsing for change in the holes of my pockets. And regardless of the impending abundance, I think to myself: “This ain’t no life, this ain’t no living.” There we have it, example number 2 … of my worthiness issues.

I’ve heard it said that money is the compensation for the value that you give out to the world. But if you don’t mind I’ll complete this statement by saying that the value that we are talking about always comes from the first person singular, the doer. For how could anything valuable come from a person who doesn’t value himself? Money is therefore the reflection of our self-worth. Huh?

Um, let’s delve even deeper. And deeper. Into the dark.

The dark is very welcoming. It makes us calm down, become present and take another perspective on our lives. It makes it possible for us to trace our moons and stars and all the other things and people and situations that shine and make our lives brighter. Can you recognize yours? By contrasting the light, the dark also helps us see what exactly doesn’t qualify in our lives anymore. And then it also gives space for transformation to occur, the alchemy, which is the natural ability of our cyclical nature.

I feel that I’m in the transformation from the Maiden to the Mother archetype. Sure, I’ve been an actual mother for the past three and a half years, but up until now I didn’t exactly know my place in our family of two. I was in between minds. I was either both, the mother and the father, or just hanging around, waiting for someone to come and partner me and father my son. But now I’m ready to take responsibility, for the Universe is kicking me to leave behind the girlish insecurity and rise as a woman.

The Maiden is so insecure and therefore afraid to commit to anything by fear of being marked as just someone who’s making these delicious energy bars for you. “I’m not just your f*** cook,” her surly temper’s got the best of her. This skin is becoming too tight. I think I’ll move on … to the Mother, who knows what she is and none of her descriptions of herself involve the demeaning words, such as “only” or “just”. She knows she’s got it all. She owns it. And she doesn’t give a flying f*** as to what others may think of her. She knows what she’s here to do and she goes and does it, because the world needs her loving presence. And the world needs her natural feeling of abundance, that she radiates forward.

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