Indecisiveness

“What happened to you?” he asks me, munching on his dinner, while I’m holding the computer in my hands and letting myself be receptive to today’s story.

“What do you mean?” I ask, totally knowing what he meant.

“What happened so that you can finally be relaxed?”

“I don’t know yet. I haven’t gotten to the end of tonight’s story.” It so happens that I often realize things after I’ve written them down right here on this blog.

I have this ongoing story with somebody. He is a man and I love him. I never doubted that. What I do doubt, though, is the ability of the two of us to make a life together. Being with him always feels like I’m stealing sweet moments from my real life; the life of money and work and bills to pay. The part of life I haven’t been willing to observe in detail yet, but I really feel I ought to now. And because I have had the abovementioned fear (and many others), I have been indecisive with him. It’s a severe degree of indecisiveness that borders on bipolarity. I love you – I love you not – I want to be with you – I want to be with you not. Except from my personal experience of a fundamental deep-seated restlessness, I didn’t know what this must feel like from a perspective outside of me. I wondered and the answer was given. Ask, and you shall be given, right?

Remember when I said parenting is the spiritual practice for the bold? My son has once again shown me the mirror. I knew I could count on him.

The day we left home, I gave him a choice of either staying at home with my father or going with me to our dearest Soča river valley, where we’ve had our second home for the past year and a half. I was O.K. with both outcomes, so I thought making a decision might be a good practice for a weighing libra. This turned out to be a bad idea in terms of practice, but a good one for me to see what indecisiveness looks like in action. Whoa! Svarun couldn’t decide. Not only could he not decide, he would make up his mind ten times in a minute then break up, change and repeat. This went on for more than half an hour, including me already taking him over to my parents’ and saying goodbye for a dozen times. Every time we’d said goodbye and I sat in the car, he would stop me to climb in, and when I’d try to help him put on the seat belt, he would start climbing back down, telling me he has changed his mind. I was looking at him, but could only see myself in him. And every time I thought must be the last time to bounce, he would bounce again and again. The bouncing was unstoppable.

Such is therefore our indecisiveness, when we are unstoppably bouncing from fear to love, and back?

We are here to recognize that each and every little thing we do holds sponsorship from either love or fear. Once we conceptually know this, the rest of the world seems easy peasy. Is easy peasy. If we know where we stand, and we know that everything we create we in fact cocreate with the Universe, we can take care of our part, right?

So, yeah … indecisiveness. It’s time to fear the fears and surrender them to love. Mmmm, took any decisions lately? The one decision I have made so far is to ask myself every single time before undertaking any kind of task or emotional endeavour:

Am I acting out of love, or out of fear?

I ask and the answer is given.

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Fighting

When we start discovering who we are and we’re happy and we’re proud of the time we took and the bridges we’d burnt and the challenges we’d managed to see as gifts … it is likely we become overprotective of the new sense of self. Whenever we feel the need to protect something, it’s because we fear we can lose it. We feel the need to defend what’s ours so nobody can stampede over it … until we realize nobody can take anything from us but ourselves.

If we fight to defend ourselves, we have to literally go out of our bodies, our comfort zones, our peace to do it. Along the way we lose the exact same thing we feared we would – the new-found sense of self. Actually, we don’t lise it, we drop it to replace it with a sword.

A better way to preserve yourself is to be it. To shine whatever you’re preaching. To Teach whatever you’re shining.

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Yesterday we went on a holiday, where we were first greeted by the green hills, the mountains with cloudy hats, and our dear, magical river Soča. Then we were gifted a dark, rainy afternoon and evening of live music; it was all about the French cafe swing vibes, upgraded by gypsy and jazzy undertones. Sweet and happy it was, and oh, how we enjoyed ourselves.

Having live music played for me always makes me feel luxurious. But a luxury of a weekday live concerto of the musical styles where you come from, played for you by professional musicians personally made me enjoy myself to the point of … guilt.

»I should be really doing something now! I know! I should be making money. I should be sweating and working my arse off to pay the bills and make the ends meet; again. I shouldn’t be just enjoying myself and taking this precious time in my life to burn a few bridges, jump a few obstacles, and discover what I really am all about – today. What I really am, if there’s no shame in my dictionary, telling me to move around make myself useful.

But honestly – am I a Human Being or a Human Doing? It seems to me that our patriarchal society only values that which meets the eye. The work that we do in ourselves is ignored: the work of getting to the bottom of something to start going up again, the work of climbing over the mountain of fear to see more clearly, and the work of just being with yourself, listening to the body’s whispers, shutters, moves. All of that is work, too. If you ask me, it’s the hardest work ever. It requires your full awareness, whereas keeping up with the lifestyle you’ve been prescribed doesn’t. It requires your loving attention as every man-made creation does. For what you are creating when no result can be felt or touched is better playground where your soul can express itself. Doing the thinking, reprogramming tasks today to enjoy a better day tomorrow? Most definitely.

Should I feel guilty  I’m lifting the lid of this wonderful boiling broth that is my life experience?

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What a Day

I. Can’t. Write.

 

My feelings are feeling me.

How do I know? I’m out of control.

My thoughts are thinking me.

How do I know? I want control.

 

I knew it couldn’t have been long

until I burst into the song

of who’s right and who’s wrong.

 

Do I let myself cherish the good

or do I keep coming up with new things that could trigger a flood?

The flood of feelings that I always felt

and always knew I would.

 

Do I still play according to “no pain, no game”?

Well, that’s a shame.

Haven’t I learned anything this year?

But wait, there’s a feeling here …

If I put my hands over my womb,

I hear it whispered softly

… that my peace resides there where my pain hides.

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8:8:8, Lion’s Gate

Today is a big day. The astrologers call it the Lion’s Gate, and the energies of 8:8:8: invite us to Start Living our Calling. The calling isn’t just something grandiose that we want to put in our Facebook profile. It can be something as simple as being the kind of mother that you wanted as a kid, saying no when you mean no, listen to others but listen to your own voice deep inside that’s always right. Apart from that, Lion’s Gate invites us to ditch the old to make room for the new, which is fully, truly, sincerely ~ us.

I read somewhere that the first part of 2017 was just the 2016 exam that we had to take again, but with this fresh knowing that we amounted since. I feel this to be very true for me. How about you? And what is it that you want to say goodbye to, because it doesn’t serve you anymore?

Me?

I’m burning the bridges to my compensation today. I don’t want to live in the “either – or” but in the “both – and” kind of reality.

Select not, embrace.

The last couple of days I have had these existential questions going on. What I feel I need to do in my life is very clear to me. However, it has been exceedingly unclear how I was going to make a living out of it, because I knew I was highly uprooted. By rejecting my own body in my teens, I also rejected everything Earthy for a long period of time in my life: I was telling myself and others I didn’t need or want any money, because I believed that money is addictive and bad; I didn’t want to have sex because I thought “sex was just body and I want to connect in spirit”; I didn’t goof around and be silly with my girlfriends because laughter is just something that loosens things up on this Earth plane.

But little by little, I came to my senses; quite literally. Laughter, even when provoked by silly jokes or god-forbid black humour, has become a way for me to loosen up and come to Here and Now. Sex, ditto, but much, much more than that and counting, since it offers a portal for human beings to turn into gods. As for money, it is something that reflects our inner well-being; if we feel abundant, we will attract abundance into our lives, and if not … well, I think we know what happens in that case. And abundance is something that we need in order to give all of our gifts to the world.

When I became a mother, I didn’t know that. It was then that I settled for the compensation that I’m breaking off tonight. Knowing that I didn’t move about this Earth plane very well, I proposed to the Universe: “I’m going to be making these energy bars and nut butters and other awesome healthy foods to keep the people happy and healthy, and you, my dear Earth are going to keep me grounded.” We both agreed to agree, so mote it be.

Tonight I’m breaking the deal. Compensation has helped me rediscover my Earthy self, meet many a beautiful souls, and get to a place, where I know I need to take a step further. Compensation can no longer serve my purpose now. You see, it has brought about a lot of worrying to make a living. That’s not how I roll anymore. I’m shifting the focus from trying to make a living to … first of all, not trying anymore but doing it, man, and second of all, making a life, not a living. The life is here to take care of the living, I swear I believe that. If we listen, and hear, and follow the lead, and live all that we’re supposed to live and give out all of the gifts that we brought along, we are abundant in nature, and so the material abundance must seek its way into our existence.

You know why: like attracts like.

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Afraid of Being Bored?

The past few days at a festival were busy, diverse, and lively. As I was going, I could barely keep up with the pace and the heat. But retrospectively, at the end of each day, I felt relaxed, nurtured and full. The happening made me realize how much I’d missed diversity … so I drank it all up these past few days. In fact, I downed it – bottoms up! And it felt good because it made me feel truly alive. The abundance of impressions, change, and fluidity settle for a day fully lived.

But when the routine kicks in, I find myself barely differing a Monday from a Saturday. Although my days tend to still be diverse with a three-year-old on batteries, I slow down. I start to let go and I stop to expect phenomenal things to happen. Quite the contrary from those adrenalin-filled days … when I, not a keen night driver, find myself determined and excited to go on a festival that same night, set up the tent when I get there at 11:30 pm, and go catch the last concert afterwards. I am way more likely to remember these days than those, when my life revolves around cooking and bedtime stories.

And, filling my days to the brim with people, tasks, recipes to try out, new things to show to Svarun, and places to go,  I ask myself … am I worried of being bored?

I had a boyfriend who was afraid of getting bored in the bedroom department, so he kept coming up with proposals of threesomes, foursomes, fools and horses. Clearly, I’m joking about the last, but it’s true about the rest. I never tried to understand his inclinations, but I knew that what he really needed not to get bored was the gentleness of a Goddess to lead him by the hand and into the land of Sacred Sexuality, where every breath is different from the other and where the key is not in diversity, but in surrendering to the moment. I didn’t know how to be that Goddess at that point, but I’m getting there now. I feel the Goddess’ pull into the Sacred Realms of Awareness especially in moments such as the below, where I get to exercise my own surrendering to the moment. That is only possible by cultivating your presence.

Today it hit me that I want more adrenalin-filled free-flowing days of music and dance. I want to dance. And when it hit me that I want more things “exciting enough to be worth remembering”, life lovingly showed me the other side of the equation.

Me and Svarun were driving in the car, and we had some dates in a jar in the back seat of the car from the festival. Svarun took and munched on the dates, and gave one to me.

Then he says: “Can you give me two hazelnuts, please? Then I can put them in the dates and eat the nom-nom goodies.”

That’s something we frequently do: we take a nut of choice and put it inside a date for a healthy, happy and nutritious dessert, or dip the date inside a nut butter for an occasional revelation. He inspired me to put a hazelnut inside my half-eaten date as well. I could easily munch down the concoction without paying much attention, but the Goddess made me look at my dessert and notice … I was eating an acorn. The golden brown date hat sat upon a sandy hazelnut and looked too cute to eat. I was driving my car, looking at the acorn, and my heart was smiling. I was being there and then. I surrendered to the moment, enjoying it to the brim because I recognized the value in it. It may have only looked like a car ride and dates, but it much more to offer: presence, surrender, beauty.

What if every moment of the day has so much to offer if we surrender to it?

I thought to myself: “Won’t you look at this. We’re eating acorns in the middle of the afternoon, having a laugh with my boy. Life is good.” The feeling of contentment flushed my body, followed by the feeling of gratitude – to that very moment and to life that helped me realize my Here and Now are what is worth living for, to myself for being able to notice the goodness of life, and to Svarun for slowing down my pace constantly so I can just … BE.

Later I thought how many different thoughts could have entered my awareness as I was eating my dessert, thoughts like “Why am I eating at this point, anyway?” or “I’m not hungry anyway, but I do have a sweet tooth” or ”What else do I have to do after Svarun falls asleep tonight?”. But the call for more Sacredness in my life, which I call The Goddess, brought me by the hand to an everyday moment of staring at a made-up acorn and surrendering to the moment. Being present. Seeing the gift that the moment brought.

The call for more Sacredness in my life brought me to the tools of Those Who Create Life.

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Dancing Soul

After three days at the Floating Castle festival out in nature, we just got back home to our colourful, clean and cosy home. Svarun has just finished a painting of our car while I’m typing this, not being entirely sure what I ought to speak about tonight because my head is pretty busy right now. I’m full of lively impressions of the music and the dance; I’m full of fluid feelings, being stirred up to the surface by well-known dramatic stories that my mind has been replaying for the past three days; and I’m simply, purely, entirely – full. When a friend asked me this morning whether I wanted some breakfast, it just hit me: “No, I don’t want to put any more information in until most of it goes out of me.” (Food is also information: one that we pass on to our body, about our very relationship towards it.)

How can I be free, if I can’t dance in front of thee?

Whenever I hear the first couple of tones of a gypsy tune, my body is all eager to tell me: “Come on, I need to move. I need to dance and lose myself in the timeless, where my soul dwells.” I love music, I always have. But dance I’ve only come to meet in the last couple of years. I was first drawn to the belly dance, which led to flamenco, and then to shakti dance last year. The need to dance only came to me as I was coming more and more into my body in my twenties. Before that I lived in my mind most of the time, expect when I went to pee or poo or something. Living in the mind, daydreaming and calculating the whole day, you don’t feel the need to move your body in order to express yourself. The body then only starts to serve as a tool to get from A to B, much like an aging vehicle that you have to feed for it to move around.

But when I first lost myself in the music, dancing, I felt very close to the Goddess. The music cocreated this dancing orgasm with me, moving my body up and about and finally letting it be all that it was meant to be: soft, sexy, sultry, daring, powerful, fluid, gentle, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, all at the same time.

The Goddess shone through me, making me a little more free.

Sofia Sundari, a tantrika whose blog I really like to follow, says: “I think every woman should dance, because what happens when she lets go to the music, is so beautiful.” I couldn’t agree more. Agreeing, I can’t skip the sharp pain in my heart. “Then why can’t I dance when I’m not alone?”

When the music calls to me, I remain petrified of what everyone else is going to think about me.

At the end of the day, the only think that’s important is how I think of me. Because what I think, I shall become. I am the only person who can do something about my life. And if I feel the need to dance to the beat of the drum but don’t go, because I am concerned about other people’s opinions of me, I betray my soul. The latter only craves to experience everything it can in order to come to know itself a little more, a little deeper, a little better. It always cultivates hunger for the everything, that each and every one of us hides within.  If we let ourselves be lived out of our soul, we make the world a better place. How do we do that?

We must lose face to find ourselves again. We must lose the shame to experience the bodily sensation that a certain move has in our body, we must lose control to experience an orgasm, and we must become nothing, so we can experience everything that we are. This reminds me of the depth in our relationships, something I’d been thinking over the last few days. The deeper we go, the more we have to lose all of the boxes that we’ve gladly put ourselves into. The closer we get to the essence of who we are, the more masks we give up.

Do I dare to look up now, after he’s seen me in a different light somehow?

I needn’t dare to look up, as I needn’t have put myself down after behaving in a certain way.

The only think that’s important is how I think of me at the end of the day.

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