Yesterday we went on a holiday, where we were first greeted by the green hills, the mountains with cloudy hats, and our dear, magical river Soča. Then we were gifted a dark, rainy afternoon and evening of live music; it was all about the French cafe swing vibes, upgraded by gypsy and jazzy undertones. Sweet and happy it was, and oh, how we enjoyed ourselves.

Having live music played for me always makes me feel luxurious. But a luxury of a weekday live concerto of the musical styles where you come from, played for you by professional musicians personally made me enjoy myself to the point of … guilt.

»I should be really doing something now! I know! I should be making money. I should be sweating and working my arse off to pay the bills and make the ends meet; again. I shouldn’t be just enjoying myself and taking this precious time in my life to burn a few bridges, jump a few obstacles, and discover what I really am all about – today. What I really am, if there’s no shame in my dictionary, telling me to move around make myself useful.

But honestly – am I a Human Being or a Human Doing? It seems to me that our patriarchal society only values that which meets the eye. The work that we do in ourselves is ignored: the work of getting to the bottom of something to start going up again, the work of climbing over the mountain of fear to see more clearly, and the work of just being with yourself, listening to the body’s whispers, shutters, moves. All of that is work, too. If you ask me, it’s the hardest work ever. It requires your full awareness, whereas keeping up with the lifestyle you’ve been prescribed doesn’t. It requires your loving attention as every man-made creation does. For what you are creating when no result can be felt or touched is better playground where your soul can express itself. Doing the thinking, reprogramming tasks today to enjoy a better day tomorrow? Most definitely.

Should I feel guilty  I’m lifting the lid of this wonderful boiling broth that is my life experience?


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