Highs and Lows

Yesterday was Mary Magdalene’s memorial and my desire to spend it in a women’s circle came true. I went to an Indian sweat lodge at a friend’s place. It was held exclusively for women and each and every one of us felt the strong, natural, raw feminine energies that are present when women gather in a circle, sing and share. The feminine energy has a lot to do with the feeling of support that I was talking about yesterday, and it has nothing to do with shame, comparison, or jealousy. The sisterhood means we are all equal in front of The Great Spirit, Wakan Tanka, God and/or Goddess, the Universe, and at the same time every one of us has a special flavour to her essence.  At one point in between our chanting, our fire-keeper (also a woman) went from sitting to lying down on her mat, opened her legs and showed her yoni to the sacred fire in the middle of the circle. Can you imagine how relaxed she must have felt? Being natural is what happens when you shave off of shame.

As this was my first sweat lodge ever, I didn’t know what to expect and I felt a bit of tension. However, everything turned out amazing, though: Svarun visited me and talked to me about our mission, and at a certain point I even had a totally unexpected vision of a totem animal. All of this was possible because of surrender. During the second break, where we delved deep into the relationships with fellow humans, I felt the urge to run outside and lie on the ground, tummy side down. In the moment when the cold, humid grass kissed my hot body, I had this transcendental experience of not being totally in the body anymore, but somewhere in between. It was then when it crossed my mind: “The Indians really knew how to push their bodies to the limit and make them surrender to the experience, so that the soul could have a spiritual experience.” All in all, we had an amazing time.

As we were closing the circle this morning, one of the women said: “I wish I knew how to keep this elevated feeling forever, but it always vanishes after a few days.” I remembered my experiences of flying high and then crashing down low when reality hit in with bills to pay and things to take care of. It’s a contrast. One day you’re all centred, calm, hyped up and blissfully aware of all and everything, and then the next day you’re back in a non-tidy home, back in all of the relationships and back running out of time to do your yoga. Abraham says we should love this contrast, but sometimes it seems like a really hard thing to do, doesn’t it? I mean, who wouldn’t want to be high-flying all the time? The thing is, if we were flying high all the time, it wouldn’t even seem that high anymore. Until there is a contrast, we can’t really grasp how high we actually were. Life doesn’t go straight down the road, it goes in circles so that we are able to: a) appreciate how high we can get, and b) train ourselves how to go back up as quickly as possible. Practicing how to get on a higher vibration gives us power, gives us strength, and it convinces us that we are the captains of our boats.

How do we do it? The best way is to be mindful when something awesome is happening by closing our eyes and becoming aware of everything that we are feeling. A tingling in your nose? Mouth corners up? A beating excitement in your chest? Stardust on your crown chakra?

Consider it all.

Memorize how it feels when you are flying high, and where in your body you feel it.

Practice applying the indicators when you don’t feel on top of the world anymore. The will is the key.

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With my dear sister Nika, who took piano lessons with me in third grade. Our friendship started thus 20 years ago.
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Happy Feast Day, Everyone!

Today is the 2nd time we get to celebrate St. Mary Magdalene’s Day since Pope Francis raised her memorial last year. Once considered a prostitute by the Church, she was now proclaimed a saint. There is nothing more terrifying to men in position than an awakened woman, says Dale Allen Hoffman, who has been studying the topic of Biblical mysticism for decades now. I encountered his work a few weeks ago, and I just can’t get enough of the inspiration. He is a “civilian scholar”, mystic and energetic healer, who works with sound a lot. At the beginning of each of his events, he does the arameic (the language that Jesus and Mary Magdalene spoke) toning, because he says that us humans we can feel the sound vibration of words better then understand the meaning of them. Amazing.

I consider Mary Magdalene one of my guardians, which simply means that I keep her energy close to my heart at all times. The sacred feminine is something that I’ve been drawn to embody for the past six years, and I got in touch with Mary Magdalene’s archetype via a dear friend. As a priestess of the Temple of Isis (the ancient Egyptian virgin goddess, whose story suspiciously resembles the story of Mary, mother of Jesus), her biggest quality in my opinion is drawing together women of all colours and sizes, but with the same burning desire within their hearts and their yonis. This desire is to embrace the sacred feminine energy into our bodies, minds and souls and to live it. Mary Magdalene draws together priestesses, and this quality is highly necessary nowadays, because us women need sisterhood. We need it just as men need brotherhood, none is more important than the other. But up to this day, it has been easier for men to “join in circle” (ha, men would never say that) because in most cases women are the keepers of the home and thus … well, stuck home. Women need sisterhood not in order to survive – although this is debatable – but to thrive and grow and expand beyond the imagination of our minds and into the limitless potential of our souls. Because all we are really up to is grow and expand. Grow out of yesterday’s skin and expand through the experience of a new day. Now just imagine what it would be like if you knew that there was a circle of women, a circle of sisters standing behind you and cheering your way every time you faced a challenge?

The world needs women who are stepping out and into the world, to give that precious gift that only they can give to help our planet thrive. Giving is the most natural thing to women because of our innate knowledge that the well of love cannot be emptied. But if this giving is not in balance with receiving, we are left tired and unkept. So what the women who are stepping our need is to receive support and acknowledgement and respect. And if this patriarchal society won’t give it to them, then their sisterhood will. Won’t we?

If there is a women’s circle where you live or nearby, go attend, or have a girl’s night out. I’m just heading out to join women at a sweat lodge, where we’ll have a ritual. I am really looking forward to it, because there are a lot of things that are no longer serving me and I need to let go and give them to Mother Nature, trusting that she will transform them into something that serves all of us. As ever. If there is no such thing taking place, at least go listen to one of Dale’s amazing lectures and tone with him in the ancient language that cannot leave you stoic.

Happy sisterhood day, loves.

Hasta mañana.

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Getting Warmed Up

This post usually starts downloading in the morning.

When I come out of my meditation and start to run errands, the inspiration comes flowing down, so I’m taking notes with one hand while making breakfast with the other. The inspiration always comes from the Universe, Source, God or whatever you want to name it, but I can hear it via many different routes: in a talk or an interview that I’m listening on YouTube while working, in a book that falls out of the shelf, in a social encounter, or in a memory. I really like it when downloading takes place throughout the whole morning, because then I really feel like I’m nesting in the energies of the daily topic. And when I nest in a specific topic, that’s when more and more pieces of information come and round up the message. You know, like attracts like.

So today I got the inspiration to talk about how to get going: how to get on a path of personal growth, spiritual development and self-discovery.

  1. Loosen up + Laugh

I used to be so serious because I thought that if I wanted to grow as a person, I needed to be stuck up most of the time. The truth is quite the opposite, actually. All of the people who are of inspiration to me laugh constantly. They laugh at life, at themselves, and they laugh at jokes; brace yourselves – yes, even the nasty and black humour ones. I used to feel so bad when I would laugh at nasty jokes. And while I will not say you need to embrace black humour, I will however encourage you to laugh more, whatever the cause. That doesn’t mean you need to be happy-go-lucky all the time; I am after all a woman, and a Pisces at that, so the amplitude of emotions is my primary navigational system. Just … embrace happy and funny into your day to day life. Like, right here, right now.

There is this joke that I’ve felt guilty to tell or laugh at, although I think it’s witty. And before I tell you about it, I need to explain it because it only works in Slovene. It involves thyme. I’m sure you know thyme, the herb, right? Ok, so there’s this species of wild thyme here in the Mediterranean with tiny pink flowers, that we call materina dušica, which in literal translation means mother’s soul. Me and Svarun were just picking it yesterday, and we need to take another foraging trip very soon because it’s in bloom right now. Now you know, here goes the joke: What do you get if you put a baby into a cup of boiling water? The materina dušica tea. “Ha, and you call yourself a mother,” my mind is telling me and trying to lure me into guilt as we speak. But I know better than to go that way. I’m loosening up and having a laugh, that’s all.

  1. Breathe

I’ve talked about breathing before and I will do more because breathing is always up to date, isn’t it? It’s the very fact of our existence. It is the first indicator of our aliveness. It is also the indicator of whether we are living or not, which is not the same as alive,  because to live means to take full responsibility of our experience. The way we breathe tells the story of our lives. If our breathing is shallow and fast, we are surviving. If we take deep and long breaths, we live our lives. Your breath is your birth right, and besides, a conscious breath is the best tool to bring you into the here and now. If you are aware of your breathing, you are present. If you are present, you live your life from moment to moment. If your breathing is on autopilot, the events of your life pass you by, and before you know it you’re old and alone and wondering:”Where did everybody go?”

I’m not going to tell you to start breathing, because if you’re reading this, the odds-on are that you are already doing it. The question is, are you conscious of your breath? Various disciplines like yoga, meditation, tai chi, chi gong (and many more) really help you focus on the breath, so you might want to undertake one or more. I really like practising vinyasa yoga, a dynamic yoga flow, where your movement follows your breath, and yin yoga, which in my opinion is the most meditative yoga, because you hold postures for up to 5 minutes and in that time, you really need to let go of the mind and just – breathe. If you’re not yet practising, I highly recommend meditation to everyone. It not only clears your mind, but also catapults you to a creative universe, where all of the magic happens and you get to be the boss of your existence. Not for you in this moment in time? In case you don’t want to get into yoga or meditation just yet, at least commit to your breath by regularly taking me-breaks throughout the day. Whenever you catch yourself breathing shallowly, start taking deep relaxing breaths with eyes closed, and check up on yourself by asking yourself: “How do I feel?” Shallow breathing can be the result of big emotions or the autopilot you had turned on. Notice it, thank it. Then imagine inhaling golden rays of positivity and exhaling all of the negativity that has gathered in your body. This visualisation alone will do wonders, I guarantee.

I’ll be talking about this more, and until I do, I wish you all good night.

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Invitation: Let’s Do This Together

I’m not perfect. I’m not. Quite honestly, I’m highly imperfect. You can ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you how my insecurity gets in the way of my strength and will oftentimes. Or how my fears dare me to trust. Or how the hole from a belly button in my navel literally exploded when I was pregnant with Svarun and now looks like … well, as though it had exploded. So yeah, pretty much imperfect.

I’ve been thinking about “perfect” lately. What is perfect anyway? It means separate, actually. I had a boyfriend with a golden heart, a lot of compassion and an awesomely working mind, who could make a wonderful leader one day. But because he considered himself perfect, he was always in conflict and everybody eventually ran away from him. Us humans can’t relate to perfect because being perfect as we know it is not humane. I said “as we know it” because we use the word perfect as an outside evaluation of an internal criteria. Etymologically, the word perfect comes from the Latin word perfectus, which meant “to bring to full development”. What happens when we bring something, including ourselves, to full development? The end. When we are perfect, there is nothing more for us to do or be, and when that happens, there is no aim, no inspiration, and no path for us to walk. Nothing. Perfect is the ultimate end of the road.

And being human is about the road, it really is. Just think: what happens when you get somewhere you were dreaming or you get something you really desired? There is that initial flow of excitement, sure, but after that? You want something else. And the way you are going to get it will outweigh the thing, or place, or a relationship you’re going to get. It always does.

Before I became a mother, I would turn my back and go away whenever I felt restless. I’d go somewhere else and when the initial excitement there burnt off, I was left with myself, again. And then I’d go somewhere else, but nowhere else was fine, because everywhere else would tell me the same old thing: where you really want to go is INSIDE. And at first, I was left terrified at what I may find. But I’m here now. Are you?

Are you ready to dig deeper? The way within is the way to happiness, wholeheartedness, harmony. To love, to expression. And I’m here, inviting you on this journey with me, because we’re all in this together. Haven’t you noticed that the people around you go through many similar things? The fact that we’re all so intrinsically connected so as to bring into fruition the same sort of things at present … both amazes and inspires me. And forces me to stand up and stand out and share my experience of self-discovery. Through my writing, through my songs and music, through my motherhood, through my food and movement. Through all of it and more, but right here – through my writing. Sara, whom I take for my teacher, says: “Whatever I recognize in others, it’s because I own it, too. There are pieces of me in everyone else. When I realize this, I can be free.”

So. Do you wanna grow with me? Right here, ritually, every day?

 And you know what? Let’s ditch the word perfect for true. True is being able to look at the places in us that we’ve tried to hide. I’m talking about really looking, confronting the shadows. And then alchemically transforming them into … light.

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Bathing in the sunLIGHT at the river Dragonja. Photo courtesy of my dear soul sister Anja Orian, who made the wonderful linen skirt I’m wearing. You can check out her masterpieces on https://www.etsy.com/shop/InteriorHandmade?ref=l2-shopheader-name.

The Tool of Mindfulness

My New Year’s resolution for 2017 was sovereignty. I decided to love and to be myself in any given situation. It took focus. For the first time in my life putting some virgin coconut oil on my body after showering didn’t seem like a complete waste of time. It felt right. And for the first time in my life, I did better at speaking up, rather than swallowing down. It felt right. And as I was communicating with people and observing their ways, I couldn’t help but notice how they handle situations where one has to stand up for themselves. Some were mindful, while others confronted others like bulldozers. I decided I wanted to be mindful in my confrontation, so I set out on a journey of self-discovery, where I would decipher everything that didn’t serve me and turn it into what serves and supports me. You know, if you want to handle the world, it’s imperative to first handle yourself.

Do you know the saying “Kindness is the highest form of wisdom”? Don’t you think we could always be kind to our fellow humans? I do. The same way we can always be kind to ourselves, because that’s what supports us. Kindness supports us. Being nasty towards ourselves does not serve us in any way. What it does is put more bad emotions into our system until they are gathered into a group called disease. When we realize this, we are given a tool, called mindfulness. It is what pushes us towards kindness, and away from nastiness.

Mindfulness.

How do we become more mindful? By realizing the magic of each and every moment.

Ok. Well, then, how do we realize the magic of each and every moment? By inhaling the moments that touch us; that way we allow them to turn on the light whenever we’re in the darkness, being blind to the magic.

Let’s take today, for example. I had to go pick up Svarun from day-care, which is something my mother normally does because she works in the same town. To celebrate the out-of-the-ordinary event, I decided to take him for a scoop of ice-cream. When we got to the best ice-cream place in town, I realized I had no change. They told me they didn’t take credit cards, and I knew there was absolutely no way I could ever remember the credit card number that I haven’t used in months. I didn’t panic, I still saw the ice-cream coming, I just didn’t know how. Then I heard somebody say to the waitress: “Give her the ice-cream, I’ve got change.” I looked behind me and there stood a father with two sons. My heart was telling me “while my mouth couldn’t say “thank you” enough.  He looked at me and said: “That’s no biggy, honestly. I don’t want to see the kid coming for ice-cream and leaving without it.” He didn’t just buy Svarun ice-cream, but me as well, and we left, feeling so grateful and filled.

This was magic. And it’s what happens every day.

What kind of magic supported your day today? Put it in your diary, and remember it often. Let it turn on the light when you’re blind to the magic. Go on. Mindfully.

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A Goodnight Story

I had very intense days lately. There has been a lot going on, a lot of jumping around, and a lot of communicating. While these are all the things that I love, I did feel like my creative juice was missing. I felt like there was nothing I could put out here, both because my mind was too tired to express itself, and because my spirit was too distraught to hear what I should write about tonight. Well, this was true until five minutes ago. As I was telling Svarun a goodnight story, I got a message to share. A reminder, more like. So my dear ones, since telling you to close your eyes and listen to the story would be absurd, rather keep your eyes open and keep on reading.

There once was a mother goat that had two little goats: billy goat named Rudi, who was three and a half, and a baby goat called Alice. One night after dinner, mother goat said to Rudi: “My dearest boy, it’s getting late. Go pee, put your pajamas on and brush your teeth.”

Rudi looked at his mother and nonchalantly said: “No.”

His mother looked at him, and said: “I beg your pardon?” Rudi repeated: “No, I won’t.”

His mother looked at him and said nothing, but took Alice into her arms and started breastfeeding her, while Rudi went to play with his Lego’s.

After a few minutes, mother goat said again: “Rudi, it’s time you went to bed. Go pee, put on your pajamas, brush your teeth and go to bed.”

Rudi didn’t even look at his mother, but said: “No.”

His mother looked at him, and said: “I beg your pardon?” Rudi told her again: “No, I won’t.”

His mother looked at him and said nothing, but continued to breastfeed his little sister. At some point, Rudi asked his mother: “Mommy, can you give me some water?”

Rudi’s mother said: “No, I can’t.” Rudi didn’t like her answer, so he got a bit angry. He stood up fiery and started marching towards the kitchen, when he stepped on a Lego. Now, anybody who ever stepped on a Lego knows it’s no fun. But Rudi’s anger made his step a bit too heavy and the accident much more painful. Rudi shrieked, crashed down on the floor and started crying over his accident.

He said: “Mommy, come help me. I’m hurting.” But his mother said: “No, I won’t.”

Rudi cried: “Why won’t you help me? Don’t you love me?” His mother replied: “My dear Rudi. Why didn’t you do the things I asked you to? Don’t you love me?” Rudi said nothing.

His mother kneeled to him and in the most compassionate way said: “My dear, don’t you know that everything I tell you to do is for your own good? If you did what I told you, the accident wouldn’t even happen, because you would be lying in bed by now, where there are no Lego’s to step on. What I’m here for is to protect you and what you are here for is to learn to trust me.”

I went on to tell the story until the final hug and kiss, but I’m stopping here now. I feel that in a lot of ways, we are all like billy goat Rudi, while the Universe is the mother goat. All of us are constantly given gentle guidance from the Universe in form of feelings, the sequences of angelic numbers, the songs we hear on the radio, our “mistakes”. The answers are given before we ask, but do we listen? Are we willing to receive and trust?

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Forgetting to Breathe?

We all find ourselves in situations that feel uneasy, right?

Sometimes it’s because our unconscious mind takes the lead, without us taking any part. Other times we consciously create them, but ignore the alarm that turns on when we plan. I often do that. I have this fear of being bored or something (that definitely needs further investigation), plus I take no conscious notice of time, so I rather keep myself on a tight schedule than no schedule at all. I did this today, too.

A friend of mine invited us to go for a dip in our lovely river Glinščica, just below the old railway tracks Trieste (Italy) – Rijeka (Croatia). A dip in the river in the middle of summer sounded wonderful, and so did hanging out with new friends who were on the same wave-length, so naturally I said yes. The walk down the canyon was supposed to take half an hour, but actually took us at least an hour with Svarun’s pace. We had a wonderful time, but when we got back, we felt exhausted. Nothing wrong with that, though. Except I had to go to Ljubljana to pick a friend of mine and Svarun’s grandmother who were both visiting us, spend the night here, and go researching the Dragonja river valley here in Istria tomorrow. Right now I feel drenched. But as I said: I love being busy and there is nothing wrong with that. Except – am I capable of not being busy?

When we got to our place, Svarun was hitting the roof. He often does that when grandparents are involved, because they have no authority over him. It was in the midst of his jumping around on my birthing ball that I had this moment of peace; I realized I took no notice of me today. What that means is I forgot to breathe. Breathing is what connects us with ourselves, as well as to our time and space. Breathing is what keeps us grounded. When we are not aware of our breath, we aren’t aware of ourselves. When we aren’t aware of ourselves, life lives us. When we are aware of our breath and thus ourselves, we live our lives.

So what I did was let Svarun go for an ice-cream with his grandmother, which I decided would do less damage than a freaked-out mother. I took a quartz crystal, which is a great cleansing stone, and my dearest obsidian that a friend of mine found in the wilderness of Tenerife; the latter grounds and reminds me like no other. I had no measure of peace this morning (my yoga and meditation practices), so I took one now. I sat in stillness and listened to the life around me until I could hear the wild birds chirping in my mind. When that happens, I know I’m good. I’m back. And I was: breathing and being. And it was enough.

Speaking of which, let me tell you about this amazing experience that I had yesterday night. I tried hope for the first time. Hope is a ground mixture of tobacco and herbs that the Amazon Indians forage, and is used to clean your nose, sinuses, and third eye. I was up for it instantly, because I’m very much tripping on the third-eye-anything at the moment. When I inhaled the dust into my sinuses, one nostril at a time, tears came flushing down my cheeks and so did booger. But after the first reaction, my breathing pathways cleared and I started feeling a lot of heat congesting in the middle of my brain, in the pineal gland. I started feeling utterly present. The presence was penetrating my being, as though I was having a breathing orgasm. I was breathing and living, that’s it. And it was enough. When we gathered around the fire, my friend was asking me whether I’d sing something, because he knows I love singing. I looked at him peacefully and said: “Maybe later. Now I’m just enjoying my breathing like I never have before.” A breathing orgasm. Go get yourself some.