Some loves go strong, others go long. And there are those who go long and strong, I’m sure.
This one went strong. Our ride was wild, but we drove the final mile today. I can feel there is a lot of things that want my attention, coming up right now. And I have a choice. Observing my overflowing emotional body, I can either sink in or turn my back. I can either do the work now, or leave it for later, but the work must be done. Intimate relationships really require some sort of work on our part, if we don’t want the same old ride every time around.
I decide to sink in. If I left the emotional work for later, it would be much like leaving the dishes for tomorrow, when everything sticks and stinks and there is not a time when I don’t wish I had done that before. I go deep, I feel my feels, cry my cries and scream the words that should have been spoken earlier; the words that I let sit and wait gained my attention and power with each passing day. If I expressed the words before, they would come out as clear as a peaceful lake, emanating the sovereignty of its depths. But because I let them sit, they gained the momentum of attention and are now ready to burst out like the craziest lava from a pissed off volcano. If you let your feelings rest unexpressed, it seems that their easy waters will turn to the destructiveness of fire.
Still, there is this place in me where he resides. It’s his home. But since I’m still the boss of me, I get to choose who gets to stay. The thing is, he’s not renting his home in me. Oh, no. I invited him to be with me, as close as our physical bodies will let our souls come close. And now that there is no more we as in him and me, will I just kick him out?
The greater part of me still wants to be nice and respectful, and really – why shouldn’t I be? But the mind is restless, it just wants things to be over. Now. Asap. Basta, ya. I could evacuate him. I could do that with all my might, and chances are that I might be successful. But using the power that he himself helped me gain against him, feels like betrayal. Fighting his existence until he’s gone would leave scars on me and him. Besides, what I would be left with is a big giant hole the size of his soul. Do I really want that? What’s the other way?
I know! What I will do is let him be until he is good to go.
Every day, I will go down there and say hello. I will wish him a good day, leave him there and go on to live my life. I will not uproot him and try to fill the void. I will heal us both with my loving recognition of his presence. Until the day that he is gone. The winds will come and take him away. The only thing that’s here to stay is a giant gift box with a bow still on. It’s what he came in. My gift.